I don’t get thirsty. Ever, really. Have you ever met someone like that?
I am one of those people that, unless I have just worked out for 30 minutes (minimum) and have sweat dripping down my forehead, or have spent an entire day outdoors in the Texas summer heat, I do not feel thirsty. It runs in the family. My mom is the same way. But –
Everyone knows that.
What that means for my daily life is this. To prevent countless headaches and the misery that comes along with that, I have gotten into the habit of giving myself a schedule. I don’t write anything down – it all just happens in my head. Sort of like a mental checklist. Because I drink coffee (and I love it too much to give it up completely), I strive towards drinking 2-3 liters of water per day. I try to have 1 liter of water down by noon, another one by mid-afternoon (around 4pm) and the last one in by bedtime. I have a water bottle that’s 1L to help keep track of the progress.
I noticed that if I don’t do that, if I don’t give myself a deadline of sorts to complete these activities by (even though I don’t know if you can count drinking h2o as an activity) I will easily go a day or two without drinking anything but a cup or two of coffee each day. You can imagine the demise that I am in at the end of that , grabbing the largest dose of ibuprofen possible, often accompanied by my checking out for a couple of hours as I am in bed, unable to do anything at all.
And life gets busy. So if it’s not a mental checklist sort of deal, I WILL forget – I guarantee it. Because I get distracted. Because there are many things going on at the same time and if I don’t stop and listen to that internal tick-tock in my head, it’s just plain not going to happen.
Why am I bringing all this up?
Well, over the years, I have had many clients walk in who believe that their ‘natural state’, so to speak, is nothing to be tampered with. That the way they are wired is just the way they are wired and that’s that. There is nothing they can do about it. Not only do they tell me that as their marriage therapist, they tell their spouse the very same thing.
What do I mean? Someone may tell me that they don’t possess the gift of hospitality or kindness. What that means is this: It doesn’t ever really occur to them (EVER) that they should bring flowers or stop by the grocery store on their way.
Or, others may tell me that they are not wired to think about the fact that the windows in the house need to be washed a couple times a year, or that their spouse might enjoy a check-in phone call during the day or a dinner outing once in a while.
Or, that they just don’t have the cells in their body that reminds them that their husband’s or wife’s birthday is coming up and they should think of getting a gift or sorts, or planning a special dinner. Some have gone so far as to say they can’t even be held responsible for remembering that it is their spouse’s birthday. Because their brain doesn’t work that way.
When it comes to this, as with many other things in life, there is no one size fits all sort of advice.
If your husband or wife does not, in all seriousness, care about any of these things, you are, in fact, off the hook. But do know that there IS something that they do care about and if you haven’t figured out what that is, I would urge you to find that out. ASAP.
Chances are, they may have told you about it once or twice in the past. Whether it happened in the recent past or long-gone past, I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. But I would bet that it came out – somehow, one day. Sometimes, in my marriage counseling sessions, I will have couples go back down the memory lane and connect the dots.
Because EVERYONE cares about SOMETHING. Everyone’s got something they find important and worth their while. But then again, you probably didn’t need someone doing marriage counseling to be telling you this.
And because it’s worth their while, you had better make it worth yours.
And yes, it is for you to figure out. And yes, if you don’t know the answer you are not going to be able to pay attention to those things and do your homework. You are probably also missing out on all sorts of ways to make it a winning day for you as an individual as well as a winning day for you as a couple.
You might have to ask them. So what? You are supposed to talk to each other anyway, right? Make sure you take good notes as you are getting your answer. Remember that you have THE EXPERT sitting right across from you (Or next to you if you are sitting together on a couch).
Depending on what answer you get, maybe that means you are going to make yourself a reminder a month prior to his/her birthday, two weeks before and then again a day or two before.
WhatEVER you have to do (if that is important to your spouse), you do it. Get a friend to help you remember. Schedule an email to yourself with instructions on what to do. Really and truly, there is no excuse that any spouse should ever forget a birthday.
If it’s a little something unexpected every once in a while, be proactive and make a calendar in advance. Maybe you pick a random day every month at the beginning of the year (HINT), put it on your calendar (one that you don’t share) and then surprise the other person with something sweet. Literally or figuratively. Make a plan.
If planning regular dates is something that you don’t automatically think about, do the same thing. Make a plan, make the time, get it on the calendar and make it happen. They won’t EVER just appear on there on their own. Trust me.
Know this: In this day and age, most couples don’t just ACCIDENTALLY stumble upon a perfect day/week/month/year – just like in the movies. Not only that – most couples also don’t stumble upon “The Guide to a Perfect Married Couple Day”. Despite what the film industry still depicts in many ways, leaving many deceived, things don’t just happen in marriage just the same way that they don’t just happen in life. Even when you think about the ways that we depict marriage counseling, period.
That’s your answer to the myth of the perfect day in marriage.
You & I make them happen. If you have ever succeeded at this you will agree with me: More often than not, when they do happen and they turn out well, they are well thought through in advance and prepared with care and love. And maybe sometimes you get lucky. But that’s the exception, not the rule.
So – let’s do our homework, shall we? You and I both.
And have some water while you are at it.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…