We all want great relationships. Who wouldn’t? Yet when push comes to shove, we are often at loss as to how we would go about creating these amazing relationships in our lives. I think it boils down to a couple of things and it starts with needing to talk about the unrealistic (and do I dare say – unhealthy?) expectations that we have for our friends, family members, partners and everyone in between.
So many times when walking into relationships, I hear people voicing these grand hopes and dreams – This person can make me happy. He or she is my dreams come true. I don’t know what I would ever do without them.
And then it continues: I want to marry this person because I know they can make me really happy. They make me want to be a better person. They… (fill in the blank)
Your relationship cannot be made great solely because of what your partner does or doesn’t do. It cannot only hinge on what your partner thinks or doesn’t think. All the weight cannot be on his/her side of the teeter totter.
And yes – you may have heard this before – It takes two to tango. And whether that’s for a mother-daughter relationship, or whether we are talking about your BFF and you. It really doesn’t matter.
For your partner and you, it’s the same thing. Yes, there are two people to put forth effort to create greatness. There are two people to pull in the same direction when, perhaps, the rest of the world is pulling the other way. BUT – the only relationships that will end up in greatness are ones that are able to recognize their own strength and value (as well as weakness and disadvantage) first.
That is why, at weddings, I always cringe a little when I see couples lighting their unity candle, while they end up blowing out completely their own single candles. And just lighting the unity candle. As if we somehow ceased to exist as individuals when we get married. (But that’s a soap-box I can get into at another time and place.)
So I am calling you, husband; you, wife — Know Thyself. What does that mean? Why does it matter?
It’s quite simple, really. If you don’t know thyself, you don’t know what you want and therefore cannot ask for what you need.
Before THEY can know it, YOU need to know who you are, YOU need to know what makes you tick and why, you need to know how the present reality would need to change for you to be content with the given situation.
And just so we are clear, they may be your siblings, your parents, your co-workers, your spouse, your friends or your kids.
Maybe you just came home from a two-week long vacation with your in-laws and their friends, and every minute of every day was spent in company of at least ten people you don’t really know and – do I dare say – care about?
Maybe your spouse just dragged you from one party to the next while you were visiting college friends out on the west coast and, being that you are an introvert, the only memory you have of the entire trip is being miserable and pissed off at him or her, leaving you feeling disappointed and resentful.
Maybe you just spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s sitting at home, as if imprisoned, doing absolutely nothing other than bothering and bring bothered by the person who, of all people, should know better that this is not how you imagined spending your hard-earned vacation.
Do you ever stop to think why you are so bothered? Do you ever stop to figure out what, in this perfect picture of vacation, has gone awry?
It may be someone else’s idea of perfect – but not yours. What was missing? What did you need? Did you need more human interaction than that? Were you hoping for some more outings? Some designed-specifically-for-you activity or day in the outdoors?
Or, going back to my example of the two-week vacation on a cruise – were you hoping for more alone time with just your spouse? More attention from him/her?
Before you can tell anyone else what you are missing and what you need, you have got to figure it out yourself.
And if that means that you will need to take some time away & hide in the corner of a local coffee shop with a cool drink in your hand so that you have uninterrupted time to sit and think, then THAT’S what you do. Maybe you need to schedule a solo retreat for yourself once or twice a year. Maybe you spread it out more and take a couple of hours every couple months. And maybe you just maximize the time that it takes you to get to and from work and make the space in your vehicle sacred that way. Every day.
Whatever that looks like, it is YOUR work to do before it can be anyone else’s work to do.
You have got to start here. Great relationships start with two people who have planted their feet firmly on the ground before they can start walking together in unison and make wonderful things happen.