How You Know Your Marriage Is in Trouble

 

 

How do you know that your marriage is in trouble and you need help?

There is a lot of writing about how you know your relationship needs the help of marriage coaching or therapy.

Or how you know that your marriage is already beyond helping.

Because your relationship has been on life-support for too long.

It’s all talking at the macro level.

Your communication is essentially non-existent.

Your lives are totally disconnected.

You make your own decisions about how you spend your energy, time and money.

You hardly spend any time together.

 

Your Marriage Is in Trouble – The Signs on a Day to Day Basis

 

That’s all fine and dandy.

I want to tackle it at the micro level.

Because while the macro level – or the bird’s eye view, if you will – might be helpful and all, it still remains hundreds of feet (or yards even) away and isn’t typically specific enough.

It’s all taking about the capital I issues.

Like the capital T marital Trauma.

It’s all talking about things in general. Often, way too general.

 

The question then remains : What does that look like in real life?

How do I know that my marriage has taken a wrong turn?

Here’s how:

 

Your Marriage Is in Trouble – EXHIBIT A:

 

You leave work early.

Because your meeting got done earlier than expected, or it didn’t happen at all.

Or you wanted to avoid the snow before it really came down. Or – you actually got your to-do list accomplished early and are able to make it a short afternoon.

Or – just because. Whatever it is.

Driving up your street, you notice your spouse’s car in the driveway.

This is what happens next:

You say to yourself: DANG! and instead of pulling in, you drive past your house, end up driving to the nearest coffee shop instead, reading a book, making a phone call or just putzing around on the social media platform of your choice until you have to go pick up the kids from after school care.

Why?

1. So that you avoid the awkwardness of just the two of you in the room (and you HATE the thickness of the air and keep saying to yourself, who wouldn’t?)
2. So that you aren’t forced to address what was left hanging over both your heads after the conversation last night.

And that’s what you do now.

Like, all the time.

But you remember the first time that it did like it was yesterday.

And the sadness of that moment still weighs heavily on your heart.

 

Your Marriage Is in Trouble – EXHIBIT B:

 

You breathe a sigh of relief when you remember that your spouse had made plans with friends (to do that thing you don’t like to do anyway) and he/she is leaving promptly after dinner.

In your own mind, there is a party happening and nobody is invited.

“Once I get done with the dishes and put the kids to bed, I get to do whatever I want. Unashamed. Me, myself and I.”

You get the house all to yourself after the kids are asleep.

It also means that you won’t have to keep walking around each other on eggshells for what seems like an eternity.

Even though you know that one of you is going to crash before the clock chimes ten times.

‘Cause, you know, you are ‘old’ and can’t stay up until the wee hours of the morning.

It is the prospect of that party that puts a smile on your face.

A smile you quickly wipe away before anyone notices.

Because – heaven forbid someone were to ask about it.

You wouldn’t want to share.

But you wipe the smile off also because there is a level of guilt you feel along with the happy.

A sense of sadness that’s been more the norm than the exception.

That feeling of “I don’t want to be alone with him/her” is more than real.

 

Your Marriage Is in Trouble – EXHIBIT C: 

 

On one of your midnight strolls on the internet, you decide to book the spring break trip.

Because you know that too many times in the past you have missed the deadline for the best of the best.

Either location-wise.

Or deal-wise.

Or timing-wise.

Or all of the above.

Or because this year you REALLY need to get out of town.

But when you do it, you actually only book flights for you and the kids.

And not by accident.

Completely and utterly on purpose.

Because the idea of you going to a different city or state or country altogether without having an excuse (of work/laundry/cooking/cleaning/Netflix…) seems utterly undesirable.

And you plan our in your head the response – if the question ever comes up:

• I didn’t know if they would let you go from work. 
• I didn’t think you had any more vacation days left. 
• I thought with all the travel you had done for work this year, you wouldn’t want to go. 
• I figured you wouldn’t be able to go. 

You are willing to do it even if that means you are taking all the kids and the dogs or cats or pet snakes along.

Dragging the extra suitcase because each of your children will surely need a different stuffed animal for every night that you are there.

You are willing to be totally ok with that.

It all seems less taxing than the alternative. And the realization that this has been the prevalent feeling for who knows how long stresses you out appropriately.

 

Your Marriage Is In Trouble – One Last Thing

 

The fact that you are already thinking about this and questioning whether you should do this now tells you everything you need to know.

As in, reach out to someone and get the help that you need for your marriage before it really is too late.

And at some level, you know that.

Right?

If you are sitting here, wondering how long you can keep going with this. Wondering how much worse it still needs to get – tells both me and you that you have already arrived.

The question now is – will you do what you need to do in order to stand up for your spouse and for your marriage?

Here’s what I want to save you from.

Don’t do what they did.

Honestly.

(Do check it out – the article is based on real life data. Here’s the link again.)

You don’t want to do what they did.

I don’t call it The Single Biggest Mistake for no reason.

Read it first.

And then make your decision.