Let’s talk about money, shall we?
With tax day just behind us, it only seems appropriate to connect around this topic. Particularly because it is, after all, the No. 1 topic that couples avoid talking about. What did you think it was? If asked the question, most people think that the most avoided topic in marriage is, of course, sex. That’s not the case.
Even if you have been married just a year or two, I want you to talk and think about money. And I want you to do so because it’s significant that you both know where you stand on the question of finances. I also want you to be aware that quantity doesn’t matter at all. And, as long as you live, the question of money will be one to come up again and again, sometimes with warning and other times with none.
People have all kinds of ideas about how money should be handled, whether or not it should be talked about at all. We walk into our relationships expecting for things to just fall into place in some sort of magic way, and when that doesn’t happen, we end up disappointed at best, frustrated at worst.
Did you or did you not witness any discussions around money in your family growing up? What was the general result? Was it a conversation you wanted to participate in and (perhaps) learn from or was it instead an endeavor that you wanted to run away from at all cost?
Whose role was it to make financial decisions? Were your parents on the same page about things most of the time or never? Do you talk about it? Do you never talk about it? Can only one person bring it up? IS it a taboo?
This list is not exhaustive. Please know that. I bring these questions up because it is as a direct result of these (and numerous other questions) around the topic of money that you and I have come to believe what we believe about the value of money & the communications around it. Therefore, I advise you as a couple to sit down, on a regular basis, and talk about this.
Yes, it’s true- it doesn’t matter whether you have money coming out your ears, or whether you are struggling short- or long-term financially, the amount of money that you have (or don’t have) at your disposal will not predict how successful you will be in terms of dealing with it. Whether you are trying to go at it alone or with a partner or spouse – it’s all the same.
So, don’t be fooled to think that because you don’t have a lot of money (or have a ton of it), this point doesn’t concern you. Because it concerns EVERYONE. I am not kidding.
Some would say that the happiest people have much less money than the people we would expect to be happiest. So, beware.
When you first met, it was talking about who pays for dinner. Remember those days? Maybe you took a few trips together – did you divide it up equally? Did one of you pay for everything?
When you got engaged, it was about who pays for the wedding. Who makes decisions about who pays for the wedding. And let’s not forget the honeymoon.
When you had your first child, you had to figure out who stays home and for how long and who stays in the work-force full-time. You had to figure out how childcare would be covered – do you have family in town? Do you want to be creative with your childcare needs? Do you have flexibility at all in any of this?
After that, it’s school – do we send the little ones to public school? Private school? What difference does it make? Once you get through that, it’s college. Your kids’ travel. Your own travel. And sprinkle all the little discussions about things like taxes, weekly/monthly spending, preferences, vacations, gifts, clothing, property, investments, toys (big or small) – It literally NEVER ends.
You get what I am saying. The topic of money in marriage is not going anywhere. As long as you are in relationship with another person, money will be a part of it in one way or another.
The way I look at it, if you haven’t started talking about money, it would be well worth your while. And if the first conversation doesn’t go so well, know that it’s pretty common. Practice makes perfect. And the more you know, the better you can figure this money piece our together – and the better for you both.
Because, in the end, don’t you both want to get along better? Be more open about things in life that matter? Be on the same side/team and act accordingly?
I knew it.
If you have ever been a friend to someone who needed to hear some honest truth, you’ll know what I am talking about. You wracked your brain about how to say it. You did your homework (maybe by talking to an expert, maybe by talking to someone in their family, and maybe by just reading a book or finding a few articles online) so that you could support your point of view.
You put a lot of energy into finding JUST THE RIGHT words. You thought about the occasion. You might have even thought about an ideal location for the conversation. And last, but not least, you tried to figure out the timing. And based on your calculations, you did the best of all of these combined and then you went with it.
That day, at that particular place, and at this specific time. You said to them what you thought they so desperately needed to hear. You wanted to the real friend. Right?
And your words totally fell on deaf ears.
Then you tried again. Because you were convinced they needed to hear you. No luck, again. Maybe you gave it another try or two, only to realize that this isn’t going anywhere. You didn’t know how you messed up – you tried changing your approach, maybe changing your tone, maybe prefacing it with something else.
And then, on an ordinary Monday, several months down the road, as you were walking around the mall, you ran into a common acquaintance of yours who at the end of your time together said that exact same thing, almost verbatim – and your friend looks at you with eyes wide open, mouth slightly ajar, and it hits them.
You – you sit there in disbelief, thinking – that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for months!
This same thing may have happened to you with a teenager. Or a 3-year old. Or your aging parent or grandparent who is no longer able to care for him/herself and needed to start considering other options so that, at the least they didn’t have to drive on a daily basis. And then it was the new nurse who they’ve never met before who figured out the magic combination of words (seemingly) to get through. Even though we know there wasn’t any magic and the words really didn’t matter. The timing did.
So, you may have tried to communicate something to your spouse. And you may have had the exact same experience that I described above. Why? Because – Timing is everything. And, as it turns out, I am not the only one who seems to think so.
Have you ever tried to offer marriage advice to someone else? Have you ever tried offering ANY advice to another person when they weren’t ready to receive it? Giving marriage advice is tricky -and I will be the first one to tell you that. Particularly if you are their friend or family. If you missed my previous article on the topic, read it here: Getting Relationship Advice from Friends & Family)
If your spouse is nowhere near being ready to listen and admit that — first of all — there is even something wrong with your relationship, this will also ring true. And given that you both are adults – and I emphasize this in my office quite often – I can’t make you talk about something that you don’t want to talk about. And guess what – neither can you. You can’t make them talk about something they don’t want to talk about as much as you can’t make them do something they don’t want to do. (If you and I were talking about your kids, that would be a completely different story.)
Now, sometimes that may just be PART of the big picture – some small-ish fight or incident that happened years ago, or a traumatic injury that happened to one of your during your childhood years. Or a part of my question that you prefer not to answer.
And that’s alright. I would rather wait a week or two for you (or both of you) to get comfortable with that idea, than push it on you at the wrong time and get no result. Because that’s what tends to happen when the timing is not right. You get nowhere.
IF I think that it’s something we eventually will need to get back to – I will say so. And I will also invite you to uncover that at some point in the future.
But – when I pick up on one in the couple not REALLY being ready to jump in with both feet and readily enter the process of therapy – And to tell you the truth, that happens quite often during our initial phone consultation – chances are that if we were to start counseling, it wouldn’t go very far. Because most of what would happen would fall on deaf ears. It would not produce the outcome that the other person in the relationship was hoping for.
You have to be able to admit that there is a problem and that you need, and more importantly even, WANT, help.
Relationship advice is not easy to come by. If you have ever been in a situation where you needed some, and heaven knows that most of us have at one point or another, you know this to be true. It only makes sense, the people that you want to help you would (generally speaking) hide behind a tree trunk or make themselves invisible. Why is that? Why is getting relationship advice from the people who we think should have our best interest in mind so difficult?
There are several different layers to the problem.
The beginning of it all is just that. You don’t know how to bring it up. Maybe you remember the last time this happened. You were on a walk with your best friend, and every time you’d start doing another circle around the lake, you’d take that breath, determined that you’d start, only to breathe out through your mouth and keep walking in silence. Can I say something? What is she/he going to think about me? What WILL this mean
It’s difficult to start having those conversation because it means that you are going to have to be vulnerable. You are going to have to admit to a few things. Sometimes, the sole idea of having to admit that you are having relationship problems to begin with is nerve-wracking enough, let along asking that person if they have any advice for you. What does that mean about me? Why CAN’T I figure it out?
Needless to say, it’s a delicate topic any way you look at it.
What do I mean when I say special alliance? Your friends and family have an alliance with you in that they want their desires and wants for you to align with yours. And when I say you, that directly or indirectly includes the relationship you are in – AKA the person you chose to be with. Consciously or subconsciously, our brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers (insert other family members if you need to) have our best interest in mind. And, the closer the bond between you and your family member, the more pronounced this alliance is. That makes complete sense.
If you have ever tried this, it will have looked something like this. One day you tell your best friend or sister that you are really in love with this person. They agree. You smile. They smile. It’s a good day. “So good to see you happy.” The next day, you come back and say you are never wanting to see this person again (due to something that transpired, of course). They tell you, good. Whatever you want. They don’t deserve you anyway, forgetting all that happened yesterday and the lovely that he/she was.
Your family members/friends are swaying along with you and lining up to exactly match where you are at any particular moment in time, as if on a teeter-totter. They don’t want to cause any ripples to appear. Causing discord is the last thing on their agenda.
Receiving relationship advice within the parameters of a therapeutic relationship therefore is free of all of the above. Plus, it frees your family and friends to be just that – Family and Friends. And it allows you to stretch & grow in a space that’s designed to do precisely that – stretch & grow.
If you are wondering how counseling with me works and you live in or around the Minneapolis area, look up this article I wrote about how marriage counseling works. If you have any questions, please CONTACT ME HERE. I
Plan. your holidays. NOW.
Yes, I am talking about December 2016. And yes, this is the 1st of February – you are NOT going crazy. Your watch (or should I say phone) is right.
It probably almost sounds crazy, right? Why would anyone in their right mind be telling you to already plan for December 2016? That’s too much even for the overachiever. I mean, ok – You plan three, six months in advance – but not a YEAR ahead! We don’t even know where we will be then…
Others of you will say – and I can hear you already – It’s just been a month since we survived these last holidays – why would we want to hash it out again? I don’t want to keep arguing about all of that any more than we already have…
Well, you are right. It’s recent. And maybe it’s a little earlier than you have been used to – BUT – see for yourself – here are three reasons why you should plan your holidays 2016 now.
You just went through it. It’s only been a month and a few short days. Everything that happened (or didn’t happen) is still in the recent memory folder of your brain. That means you don’t have to dig down I don’t know how deep to get to the good stuff. That means you still remember (and very well so) when you were happy. You also remember when you were not. How different events or things made you feel is still close within your memory’s reach.
You have clear ideas about what was really good and turned out excellent. You might also have some ideas about things/events/people that were missing. The reasons that this year’s holiday season was hard are right at your fingertips.
Now do you see what I am saying?? And you can talk about it because it isn’t 5 years ago. Where you are both digging up dirt that has long been watered, and dug up and messed with a million times over since. Now, instead, it’s still a fresh memory. You can easily recall what happened and when, how and why it wasn’t so great (or if it was, then what made it great).
It’s also been a month since all of it happened and you are way more likely not to be as emotionally charged as you were the day of. And by golly, you and I know that you tried talking about it then but – with no surprise – it blew up in your faces. With a few weeks in between the actual events and the conversation, you are both more likely to have a kind and loving approach to the conversation at hand about the events passed.
It’s hard (or, do I dare say impossible?) to have any sort of conversation when you are trying to pull three dishes out of the oven, put away the kids’ toys that have miraculously piled up in the middle of the dining room while last minute hanging up clean hand towels in the bathroom and trying to respond to the door bell and opening the door – ‘cause – of course, the guests were walking in. That’s a lot. Not just a lot to pile all into one sentence (because that it is too) but more importantly so, in reality even more so.
Now that you have taken care of the ‘fire’ in the kitchen, you are not upset like you were in the moment right then and there, you are able to look at the holidays as a whole with a more calmness in your voice and heart. So, do it.
This one may seem a little matter-of-fact – but I am going to say it out loud anyway. Based on the points above – here is my conclusion for you. Were there things that worked and worked great over the holidays for you as a couple? Were there things that you both can raise a glass to and say in unison:
Congratulations, we did it! – Then – Do more of that.
Make a plan to keep that same system in place, use the same schedule, utilize the same resources to make what worked great awesome again. Because you want to both see a smile on each other’s face instead of a frown, that’s easy.
Now, you probably know what’s coming next. IF there were things or events or times over the holidays that didn’t quite work so well, don’t do it. Make an adjustment. Make a new plan. Try something different. This is your chance to talk about doing something else or just doing it differently so that it works better for you both as individuals and as a couple.
Ok, so I lied – I got one more. It’s a short one though, don’t worry – Think of it as a bonus:
Remember that with marriage, everything is a learning curve. If you ignore all of what I said above and then next year comes and all of what happened this year happens again and you are going to want to get all bent out of shape because it happened AGAIN or something failed to happen again – Remember this:
You can’t expect anything to change if you don’t do anything about it in advance. It’s that simple. You have got to bring it up. You have got to be willing to have a conversation with your spouse and make sure that this year’s holidays are an improvement to last year’s. Nobody can do this for you.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Happy Shmalentine’s day.
I don’t like Valentine’s day.
Can you tell?
If you are surprised, or appalled even, that’s alright.
I don’t mind.
Just hear me out.
There is a reason I say that – I promise.
(And if you are reading this, saying to yourself, ‘ooo, I don’t either’ – I’d love to know if we align.)
First of all, I say that because I find the holiday WAY too commercialized.
I don’t appreciate all the lines in every restaurant or nook you go in (if you can even get in), I don’t really love the extra price tag on every possible item you would buy the week or two before V day.
And I like spending money on things that matter – I guess I just don’t like being told that THIS is the day I ought to do so.
And beyond that, most importantly, I really don’t like the idea of LOVE being on the forefront of a couple’s mind that particular day.
Because there is an underlying understanding that you do this thing once a year (whatever IT is: buy flowers, get a card, maybe write a card, get dinner in, go eat out, go see a show….) and you’re covered.
Not just once a year you don’t.
Not just because someone else decided that’s when you have to do so.
Terry Real taught me this great line that I use in my office all the time when discussing the idea of dating your spouse.
You may have heard the short of it before: Keep dating your spouse.
Terry’s version of it sounds something like this:
“Three dates a year – His BD, Her BD and your anniversary – ain’t gonna cut it.”
My clients have to do their work to remind me to include Valentine’s day as the fourth occasion that should be on every couple’s radar.
But, depending on who you are and who your spouse is, that day/date may not make it to your list of must-celebrate-occasions.
Now, if you are NOT like me, and you care about Valentine’s day – which, by the way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that —
What do you enjoy?
Do you have one in mind?
Now, once you formulate it in your head – is this public knowledge or is it just something you hide inside your head and make it part of a hide-and-seek game for your partner to play (whether they are up for games or not)?
In other words, have you shared with each other what your expectations are?
Are you still trying to play your cards just right, with seemingly no success?
If you have trouble coming up with what you would like, think of a time in the past (with this partner or an ex) when you were ecstatic about the outcome of V day.
When everything went JUST as you hoped, dreamed and desired.
Where you wouldn’t have changed a thing.
What are your ideas for this year?
What did you do last year?
Who planned it?
Was it a combined effort or does one of you surprise the other?
Is (or was) Valentine’s day a day to remember in a good or bad way?
What do YOU like to commemorate the occasion?
Do you each have your preferences or are you easy as long as something happens?
Do you like to contribute to this or are you one to sit back and let the other person take over?
Maybe this is your first V Day together – how high are you gonna set the bar?
And I don’t mean that in a mean way – it’s just plain asking where you both stand on the issue and what would you each like to see. Whatever you do, celebrate Valentine’s day with love.
And you may find out that you aren’t all that into this particular day of the year.
And, you may find out otherwise.
You know how I said earlier that I don’t like Valentine’s day?
(And I know I am not the only one) I think this is what it boils down to:
If we are celebrating our love for each other – and last time I checked, that’s what was behind the entire V-Day enterprise – I think it should be Valentine’s day at least once a week.
And you might even agree.
In fact, I may go so far as to say it should really be a daily habit that after a while becomes the new normal.
I am all about special occasions.
I am all about making special days work.
Just figure out if this is a good one for both of you.
And then – make it a good one.
You have less than a week.
PS: Happy Valentine’s Day!
We all want great relationships. Who wouldn’t? Yet when push comes to shove, we are often at loss as to how we would go about creating these amazing relationships in our lives. I think it boils down to a couple of things and it starts with needing to talk about the unrealistic (and do I dare say – unhealthy?) expectations that we have for our friends, family members, partners and everyone in between.
So many times when walking into relationships, I hear people voicing these grand hopes and dreams – This person can make me happy. He or she is my dreams come true. I don’t know what I would ever do without them.
And then it continues: I want to marry this person because I know they can make me really happy. They make me want to be a better person. They… (fill in the blank)
Your relationship cannot be made great solely because of what your partner does or doesn’t do. It cannot only hinge on what your partner thinks or doesn’t think. All the weight cannot be on his/her side of the teeter totter.
And yes – you may have heard this before – It takes two to tango. And whether that’s for a mother-daughter relationship, or whether we are talking about your BFF and you. It really doesn’t matter.
For your partner and you, it’s the same thing. Yes, there are two people to put forth effort to create greatness. There are two people to pull in the same direction when, perhaps, the rest of the world is pulling the other way. BUT – the only relationships that will end up in greatness are ones that are able to recognize their own strength and value (as well as weakness and disadvantage) first.
That is why, at weddings, I always cringe a little when I see couples lighting their unity candle, while they end up blowing out completely their own single candles. And just lighting the unity candle. As if we somehow ceased to exist as individuals when we get married. (But that’s a soap-box I can get into at another time and place.)
So I am calling you, husband; you, wife — Know Thyself. What does that mean? Why does it matter?
It’s quite simple, really. If you don’t know thyself, you don’t know what you want and therefore cannot ask for what you need.
Before THEY can know it, YOU need to know who you are, YOU need to know what makes you tick and why, you need to know how the present reality would need to change for you to be content with the given situation.
And just so we are clear, they may be your siblings, your parents, your co-workers, your spouse, your friends or your kids.
Maybe you just came home from a two-week long vacation with your in-laws and their friends, and every minute of every day was spent in company of at least ten people you don’t really know and – do I dare say – care about?
Maybe your spouse just dragged you from one party to the next while you were visiting college friends out on the west coast and, being that you are an introvert, the only memory you have of the entire trip is being miserable and pissed off at him or her, leaving you feeling disappointed and resentful.
Maybe you just spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s sitting at home, as if imprisoned, doing absolutely nothing other than bothering and bring bothered by the person who, of all people, should know better that this is not how you imagined spending your hard-earned vacation.
Do you ever stop to think why you are so bothered? Do you ever stop to figure out what, in this perfect picture of vacation, has gone awry?
It may be someone else’s idea of perfect – but not yours. What was missing? What did you need? Did you need more human interaction than that? Were you hoping for some more outings? Some designed-specifically-for-you activity or day in the outdoors?
Or, going back to my example of the two-week vacation on a cruise – were you hoping for more alone time with just your spouse? More attention from him/her?
Before you can tell anyone else what you are missing and what you need, you have got to figure it out yourself.
And if that means that you will need to take some time away & hide in the corner of a local coffee shop with a cool drink in your hand so that you have uninterrupted time to sit and think, then THAT’S what you do. Maybe you need to schedule a solo retreat for yourself once or twice a year. Maybe you spread it out more and take a couple of hours every couple months. And maybe you just maximize the time that it takes you to get to and from work and make the space in your vehicle sacred that way. Every day.
Whatever that looks like, it is YOUR work to do before it can be anyone else’s work to do.
You have got to start here. Great relationships start with two people who have planted their feet firmly on the ground before they can start walking together in unison and make wonderful things happen.
Given that we had just passed the Season of Gratitude and were headed into the Season of Giving, I set out on an adventure to find what other gifts (other than the ones wrapped in fancy paper under a tree) we might be able to offer to those we love and care about deeply.
Couples do things for each other, they get fancy presents, spend time researching what the new thing is that made it to the top-10-gifts of the year. I am a big proponent of things that don’t come all prettied up with a bow on top that happen with more frequency rather than one big shiny something.
So over the course of the month of December, on my Business Facebook Page (link) I collected and came up with the list that I am presenting to you below. If you are ever in need of an idea for a gift, be it the middle of the Holiday Season or not, this should give you an idea or two.
Here you go. And, you’re welcome 🙂
Bogott Counseling’s own ’24 Days of Giving Challenge’.
What would yours have looked like?
Day 1 – Dec 1: The gift of breakfast in bed. Make it something you know they love.
Day 2: The gift of a kind word. From a stranger – or – from your spouse – Which one has more weight? I bet you can figure that one out in no time.
Day 3: The gift of a lovely new friend all because you shoveled a driveway together. A stranger is only a stranger until you know their name.
Day 4: The simple gift of a bed made in the morning. Particularly when done by a certain [single digit]-year old without having to ask.
Day 5: The gift of new & beautiful beginnings (who said you can’t learn how to make something new at our age?) and the gift of a smile on the face of a child that may or may not have partially resulted from said new beginning…
Day 6: The gift of a Christmas Market tradition (from far-away homeland) brought to your table. Right here. Right now.
Day 6: The gift of a true weekend. Turning my laptop on for the first time at 9pm on Sunday night since shutting it off at the office on Friday at four.
Day 7: The gift of a memory – building (over & over again) a tower of human bodies on the couch in our living room, including the little giggly ones bursting into laughter as they were either pretending to sleep, falling off the cliff or making a slide. Laughing so hard, all of our tummies hurt after half an hour – so much so we had to stop.
Day 8: The gift of silence & a quiet morning. Because our children (or anybody that regularly sleeps in our household for that matter) do not generally wake up before I wake them up at 7:30 or 8am. I know.
Day 8: The gift of a spontaneous movie night with little friends topped off with the gift of a special treat from a faraway land, brought and shared by said little friends and their lovely mom and dad.
Day 8: The gift that is the smell of this wonder (again) filling up the house to the point that one is tempted to pretend step out (to check mail, to take out garbage, one item at a time, or whatever it takes…) only so that one can walk back in and inhale. And this time it wasn’t my hands that had all the flour on them.
Day 9: The gift of doing rounds on each side for what seemed like 2 minutes at a time after a LEG day yesterday. Sweat everywhere. (Lindsay, this is for you: If I can’t walk up the stairs to my office, I’llgive you a call and ask for a lift. Literally.)
Day 9: The gift of mandatory playtime. Because your sister is the social butterfly with two birthday parties in one day. And she gets mommy and daddy all to herself.
Day 10: The gift of real mail. And birthdays to celebrate. And friends who remember to do what it takes to put that smile on our faces.
Day 11: The gift of a smile on someone else’s face & the gift of the people who put it there. (Read: Disney on Ice and Skipping School for the whole family)
Day 11: The gift of awe. Compliments of a certain sister-in-law.
Day 13: The gift of spending the day celebrating the Season in community. This was our contribution. Along with ham, mashed potatoes & cinnamon rolls. Turned out pretty well if I may say so myself even though I skipped the orange.
Day 14: The gift of mandatory snuggles prescribed by the thermometer. AKA, The gift of PTO. If only the numbers weren’t so high.
Day 14: The gift of one-on-one conversations. And apple cider. Because you can’t do much of that while you are out of breath next door (at the gym).
Day 15: The gift of a solid cup of coffee when you forget to make your own at home. This morning, it was as if they were all waiting for me. No waiting time, no delay.
Day 15: The gift of an unexpected surprise or a visitor. And you made it happen.
Day 16: The gift of music. Classical (and/or Christmas at this time of year) music is always a hit in our vehicles. And this one – you CAN wrap it up if you’d like.
Day 17: The gift of a warm meal, received or delivered. Best when shared.
Day 17: The gift of beauty. Whether it is a bouquet of flowers, the view of a family of ducks on a lake, the noise of a creek near a cabin in the woods far away or the sight of luggage all packed and ready to go the night before the trip — Whatever it is for you and your spouse: Give. Enjoy. Repeat.
Day 18: The gift of a favorite reading spot. When combined with your favorite drink delivered right to you, in my world, not much else tops that.
Day 18: The gift of the white little delivery trucks bringing things to our doors six days a week. And the work that they do in the office even when some people are not very nice at all.
Day 19: The gift of a great performance proven clearly by your kids having trouble wiping the smiles off their faces.
Day 20: (can you believe it?) The gift of reconnecting with friends from a far-away place. Always a treat. Friends become family.
Day 21: The gift of wise words. You may have seen this one. And I get the privilege of seeing this in action in my office every day. The process of fixing – there is a reason they call it work.
Day 22: The gift of a holiday treat. Both ready and in process. And those delivered with love by our neighbors. On both sides. Our neighbors are better than your neighbors.
Day 23: The gift of a hot bowl of chicken noodle soup. Because 3/4 of our household have seen the unwell side of things.
Day 23: The gift of modern medicine & science in general. The ability to bring high fevers to something more manageable with style. Celebrating the scientists among us today.
Day 24: The gift of modern entertainment. OR When Netflix saves the day because your baby is home sick with a fever and unable to go anywhere on Christmas Eve OR Mandatory snuggle time the night before Christmas.
To view a complete list of the images and videos that went along with these updates, please find us on Facebook and check them out there. I look forward to connecting with you there!
For those of you in need of marriage counseling in Minneapolis, the easiest way to contact us is HERE. We’ll talk to you soon!
Marriage and Finances – Why is it SO HARD for couples to talk about money?
Whether you have been married a day or two or several years, you know that it can sometimes be difficult talking about a lot of things. Some have trouble talking about the in-laws, some don’t really want to discuss their jobs with each other and yet other couples have trouble agreeing on what to do with themselves in their free time – but that’s for another time.
I find that most often, when couples have difficulty discussing finances with each other, it’s because of a number of different reasons.
If this is you, you know that you should never question your spouse’s spending or ask for their bank account login information. If this is you, you might not even really know how many jobs your spouse really has. And, heaven forbid you knew how much they make. It’s always been off the table. Well, perhaps not always – but you only make that mistake once. The second time around, you know NOT to ask.
If this is you, you dread bring up that vacation you have been saving up to take for fear that you are going to get into an argument yet again. And yet again, not really solve or decide anything. If this is you, you may have considered opening up a separate (secret) savings account to put away money for yourself or you and your children because you are worried that your spouse will spend all of it away. As it stands today, you may no longer be able to trust him/her with decisions regarding your marriage and finances.
The first piece of Marriage and Finances piece – we like the power that money provides. We like being able to make decisions. Without interruptions. Without interference. We like to be able to live the life we have always dreamed of. We want to be the people and dress in a way and shop certain places that will show the world that we’ve got power.
WHy? Because having power makes a statement. Having power provides ease. Having power provides security. And so we have gotten accustomed to having this power and to be the only ones standing on the highest platform. Without anyone pushing us around or trying to, heaven forbid, push us out of our spot.
You may not be too surprised – We like control. Most people do. And money, for better or worse, serves us well that way. Now, you may have been used to making ALL the financial decisions by yourself. Maybe it was just a year or two, it could have been a decade or more, depending on what route you took, where you went to school and for what, and when you started working. You and you alone had all the control over money coming in, and money going out.
That control is hard to surrender. What do you mean I can’t have control over my money? What do you mean now I have to share that too? It’s hard to re-adjust to having someone else join the team and have opinions (sometimes strong, other times not so much) about where this money should go, how and when it should be spent. But it, too, can certainly be done.
This one is sort of an extension of the point above – In today’s age when young people don’t get married until their late twenties or thirties, we have gotten accustomed to not only having our own earning potential but, also, seeing the fruit of it.
To you, it’s a no-brainer for you that you’d eat out for lunch every day. Or that you would go to every happy hour you were ever invited to.
Who is this woman to be telling me that I can only go out with the guys once a year? We’ve been going every Friday for what feels like ages. I make good money, I can afford to do this, or go there or spend here.
Who is this man to be telling me that I shouldn’t go get my nails done that often? Or that I don’t need to get my hair done this or that way, or at that place? Or that I don’t need to buy fancy clothes because he finds the exact same quality at the second-hand store down the street?
And because you both work, and have always worked and plan to always work, you each feel entitled to your own ‘stuff’, your own ‘toys’ or your own ways to ‘entertain’ yourself. And ultimately, your own decision making privileges. Without a regard for the person you are with.
Well, that might have worked all your life but it won’t work very well after you get married. You are on one team now. It’s not her money or his money. It’s your (of the both of you) money that you TWO will get to decide about and plan with/for.
The last thing that makes our conversations difficult — and we ought to talk about this because it’s so prevalent when talking about finances within the realm of a marriage relationship — is this: We are, subconsciously as it may be, protecting ourselves for the future. IN CASE something happens, you know. In case things go awry.
You may have been warned by a friend or a relative. You may have seen this happen in your own family growing up where one parent got all the money and the other one was hung out to dry. Most often, this happens after divorce.
So, the smart kid that you are/were, you said to yourself – whatever I am going to do in my life, rest assured – I will NOT do that. I will let anyone do that TO ME. I will keep track of my own money, I will make sure I save enough on the side. I will make certain that I have a cushion stacked somewhere safe. Just in case. Just in case all of this goes haywire. And that’s acting out of fear. And acting or reacting out of fear is hardly ever good.
This is dangerous territory. We do this without realizing that we can, in fact, behave that way all we want. Right? That is, as long as you are a single man or a single woman and have nobody to share with. Once you get married, the rules change. You can no longer behave and make decisions in the same way that you have been doing, even if it had been for years. You can no longer behave that way because you now ARE a Married Man/Woman. That’s what makes all the difference. It will take some adjusting and fine-tuning, but it can be done.
You should try it.
I don’t get thirsty. Ever, really. Have you ever met someone like that?
I am one of those people that, unless I have just worked out for 30 minutes (minimum) and have sweat dripping down my forehead, or have spent an entire day outdoors in the Texas summer heat, I do not feel thirsty. It runs in the family. My mom is the same way. But –
Everyone knows that.
What that means for my daily life is this. To prevent countless headaches and the misery that comes along with that, I have gotten into the habit of giving myself a schedule. I don’t write anything down – it all just happens in my head. Sort of like a mental checklist. Because I drink coffee (and I love it too much to give it up completely), I strive towards drinking 2-3 liters of water per day. I try to have 1 liter of water down by noon, another one by mid-afternoon (around 4pm) and the last one in by bedtime. I have a water bottle that’s 1L to help keep track of the progress.
I noticed that if I don’t do that, if I don’t give myself a deadline of sorts to complete these activities by (even though I don’t know if you can count drinking h2o as an activity) I will easily go a day or two without drinking anything but a cup or two of coffee each day. You can imagine the demise that I am in at the end of that , grabbing the largest dose of ibuprofen possible, often accompanied by my checking out for a couple of hours as I am in bed, unable to do anything at all.
And life gets busy. So if it’s not a mental checklist sort of deal, I WILL forget – I guarantee it. Because I get distracted. Because there are many things going on at the same time and if I don’t stop and listen to that internal tick-tock in my head, it’s just plain not going to happen.
Why am I bringing all this up?
Well, over the years, I have had many clients walk in who believe that their ‘natural state’, so to speak, is nothing to be tampered with. That the way they are wired is just the way they are wired and that’s that. There is nothing they can do about it. Not only do they tell me that as their marriage therapist, they tell their spouse the very same thing.
What do I mean? Someone may tell me that they don’t possess the gift of hospitality or kindness. What that means is this: It doesn’t ever really occur to them (EVER) that they should bring flowers or stop by the grocery store on their way.
Or, others may tell me that they are not wired to think about the fact that the windows in the house need to be washed a couple times a year, or that their spouse might enjoy a check-in phone call during the day or a dinner outing once in a while.
Or, that they just don’t have the cells in their body that reminds them that their husband’s or wife’s birthday is coming up and they should think of getting a gift or sorts, or planning a special dinner. Some have gone so far as to say they can’t even be held responsible for remembering that it is their spouse’s birthday. Because their brain doesn’t work that way.
When it comes to this, as with many other things in life, there is no one size fits all sort of advice.
If your husband or wife does not, in all seriousness, care about any of these things, you are, in fact, off the hook. But do know that there IS something that they do care about and if you haven’t figured out what that is, I would urge you to find that out. ASAP.
Chances are, they may have told you about it once or twice in the past. Whether it happened in the recent past or long-gone past, I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. But I would bet that it came out – somehow, one day. Sometimes, in my marriage counseling sessions, I will have couples go back down the memory lane and connect the dots.
Because EVERYONE cares about SOMETHING. Everyone’s got something they find important and worth their while. But then again, you probably didn’t need someone doing marriage counseling to be telling you this.
And because it’s worth their while, you had better make it worth yours.
And yes, it is for you to figure out. And yes, if you don’t know the answer you are not going to be able to pay attention to those things and do your homework. You are probably also missing out on all sorts of ways to make it a winning day for you as an individual as well as a winning day for you as a couple.
You might have to ask them. So what? You are supposed to talk to each other anyway, right? Make sure you take good notes as you are getting your answer. Remember that you have THE EXPERT sitting right across from you (Or next to you if you are sitting together on a couch).
Depending on what answer you get, maybe that means you are going to make yourself a reminder a month prior to his/her birthday, two weeks before and then again a day or two before.
WhatEVER you have to do (if that is important to your spouse), you do it. Get a friend to help you remember. Schedule an email to yourself with instructions on what to do. Really and truly, there is no excuse that any spouse should ever forget a birthday.
If it’s a little something unexpected every once in a while, be proactive and make a calendar in advance. Maybe you pick a random day every month at the beginning of the year (HINT), put it on your calendar (one that you don’t share) and then surprise the other person with something sweet. Literally or figuratively. Make a plan.
If planning regular dates is something that you don’t automatically think about, do the same thing. Make a plan, make the time, get it on the calendar and make it happen. They won’t EVER just appear on there on their own. Trust me.
Know this: In this day and age, most couples don’t just ACCIDENTALLY stumble upon a perfect day/week/month/year – just like in the movies. Not only that – most couples also don’t stumble upon “The Guide to a Perfect Married Couple Day”. Despite what the film industry still depicts in many ways, leaving many deceived, things don’t just happen in marriage just the same way that they don’t just happen in life. Even when you think about the ways that we depict marriage counseling, period.
That’s your answer to the myth of the perfect day in marriage.
You & I make them happen. If you have ever succeeded at this you will agree with me: More often than not, when they do happen and they turn out well, they are well thought through in advance and prepared with care and love. And maybe sometimes you get lucky. But that’s the exception, not the rule.
So – let’s do our homework, shall we? You and I both.
And have some water while you are at it.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
I know it’s the middle of October by now, but I just have to say – My Dearest Routine, I have missed you so much. And – Welcome back! Am I the only one – or are you with me? September is what I call the ‘Transition period’ in our household – going from the bliss of summer to re-entering the real world.
And you know what the funny thing is? I always knew that having a routine is paramount for children. That it benefited them in so many ways, right? But I would have never imagined that it would have had such great impact on me, as an adult. That I would be missing it so much so that at one point I found myself yearning for its return – even before Labor Day weekend. I suppose there is something to be said for order.
Yes, for us, with the summer months in full force, the routine was out the door. Completely and utterly so. We had one too many nights that we stayed up way past our bedtime. Kids and adults alike. Other times, we got up way before we normally do.
If it wasn’t that someone was visiting and staying overnight, we were doing some remodeling in the basement and staying up for that, paint all over our pants and shirts. If it wasn’t a party we had been invited to, we had guests that we were entertaining on our back patio. If it wasn’t someone dropping by from a far-away land, it was friends celebrating birthdays, farewell parties or just plain getting together for no reason other than – it’s nice out, do you wanna come over and grill?
And then, there were the days of reunions. Happy hours. Soccer games. Trips to the pool with the kids. Long weekends packed with one thing after the next, staying up with company or watching a movie on the back porch. Because it’s too nice not to enjoy our lounge chairs out there. And – this is the only time of the year we can do it. And then there was the vacation that was long-overdue, seeing the beauties that the Colorado mountains are at last. I can’t say I wouldn’t have preferred not to have waited for that long – But man, was I ever grateful. And yes, it was well worth the wait, if you must know.
So – you may be asking yourself – why is this post called confessions of a couples counselor? I am just about to tell you that. Ready? Today marks one week since I stepped foot on the foam mat flooring at the gym in our neighborhood where I have had membership fees deducted from my card monthly since January. Prior to last week, I have not shown my face there – oh, I don’t know – in a while. How long exactly?
Let’s just say it’s been so long that they threw away my equipment with my name on it (after keeping it in lost and found for a while first) because they had no reason to believe that I was ever showing my face there again. My yellow attendance card had made its way into the trash because it had one day too many missing on the paper, unsigned. Some might say they haven’t seen me forever. And as much as I hate to admit it, they would be right.
But, doesn’t the saying go something like this? Confession/realization is the first step to recovery…? Well, there you have it. Black on white. So that’s what I did. I walked in there again for the first time last Monday. I was kind of hoping that nobody would notice. But the owners welcomed me with open arms. And some of the other FIT members remembered my name. And you have to understand, nobody ever remembers my name. So – Believe it or not, they took me back! (And I had so much I don’t know if I should be admitting it publicly like this right here. But – ‘Tis the truth)
And there is no excuse. Being a counselor who works with couples, I should know better. I talk to couples about making regular commitments to each other. I talk to them about the importance of sleep. The importance of physical activity. I talk to them about the significance of regular family conferences. I tell them they need to talk about money. And about sex. And the dirty dishes in the sink. And a myriad of other things they don’t want to talk about.
It’s not that I didn’t know any better. Or that my lower back hasn’t been complaining all this while. But, somewhere between my head and my feet (as they are the ones getting me out of bed when it’s still dark in the morning), something short-circuited there somewhere, and once I’ve been out for a week of two, that new routine – it sort of just set in. Maybe you know what I am talking about. And if you don’t, well – that’s what happened in my case.
My million-dollar question for you today is this:
That’s right, what happened to your routine? Might you have neglected yours in some way? Have you been eating out too much and left to the graces of the establishment that your friends picked? Have you collected what seems like an enormous pile of mail sitting on the counter, with a mental note on top saying “I will do it tomorrow”? Has your vacuum cleaner been lonely in the closet so much so that it started entertaining the idea of approaching the spider in the corner? Have you neglected your yoga mat for so long you can’t remember the secret spot where you stashed it quick when your friends were at the door, ready to celebrate Memorial Day in style?
Might you have neglected your relationship? It’s all legit – all those things that we put on our plate over the summer – they are all very good and very real. I know you were busy. So was I. And I know that you were probably even spending a ton of time together – and about 10 or 20 other people at a time. But, do you even remember when the last time was that you went on a date? And I mean – Just the two of you, so that you could really connect again?
Our daughter by now knows to use the phrase “having alone time together” when we drop her off at her grandparents’ or a babysitter steps foot in the house. And she is not even seven yet. When was the last time you did that? Summer is really good for many things. But I am afraid, with the routine out the door, our relationships suffer too.
If you are asking yourself how long I have had the hidden camera rolling at your house, it is YOU I am talking to. What are you gonna do about it?
If you need to get that date night back on the calendar, do that. If you need to call and reserve your favorite nanny or grandparent so that you can accomplish that, do that too. Make a plan. Make it happen. Start with one day. One date. One week. That’s all it takes.
Once it happens once, you just keep making it happen. The first step back in the right direction is always the most difficult.
(Alternately, if you are looking for a place/gym/program to call home, check THIS out. I would be lying if I said I don’t recommend it highly. Besides, under its new ownership, the place looks like it got a makeover and they DO know your name.)