Relationship Problems — Hearing those two words together?
Sounds so negative, right?
Perhaps they even make your cringe.
They almost sound like someone just pronounced a death sentence over your marriage.
“Well, if you are having relationship problems, maybe you shouldn’t be together…?!?!”
How many times have you heard that one before?
How guilty does that question end up making you feel?
No wonder you made up your mind to never bring that up again or admit to anyone.
The fact that you and your bride/groom are actually having relationship problems to begin with.
Most of us don’t like even just the idea of ‘having problems’.
Because of the negativity it implies.
If we have a problem that means something is wrong.
That’s fine.
You might hate the word itself – Here are a couple other ones for you to choose from:
Issues. Difficulties. Troubles. Questions.
You pick.
It doesn’t matter so much what you call them.
It matters much more THAT you talk about them existing.
Here are a couple more, excuse my brain for not knowing when to stop. Disagreements. Concerns. Complications.
Call them what you want, what if I told you that I think relationship problems are perfectly normal?
Think about it.
You put two people together in close proximity for long enough and they are going to have difference of opinions.
They’ll have different preferences and ideas of what the dining room should look like or what constitutes a proper kitchen mess.
Or a proper cleaning.
If you’ve ever been in college or elsewhere had a roommate, you know what I am talking about.
The fact that you both put down the same intended major on your freshman application doesn’t mean a thing about how you and the other person are going to be able to handle the questions of cleanliness, standards of noise or social interactions within the square footage of your apartment.
And these two people, they don’t even have to be married.
This is just roommates we are talking about.
Sometimes it helps if you are friends.
Other times, it’s easier to have a roommate and have your friendship needs met elsewhere.
Now, what happens to you when you get married?
I often joke with my clients that once they survived their months of engagement or, even their wedding day, they know their relationship is not perfect.
Unless you are one of those couples where both in the mix are complete avoiders, you will have had a fight by now.
Or five.
I guarantee it.
And to think that there is something wrong with you (or your marriage) because of it?
Utter nonsense.
Because making a decision about flowers or colors or the guest list is not always as simple as it seems.
I don’t know how many times I end up repeating this one.
Relationship problems are inevitable.
And guess what?
No matter what the public opinion on the matter, or what your friends and family may or may not tell you, you are not the only ones.
Couples have disagreements.
They run into a problem or two.
Or a hundred and two if you have been married a nice little while.
Sometimes it takes weeks or months between one and the other, other times couples have seasons where they have arguments or disagreements daily.
And of course – Other issues in your life might be affecting it all.
Consider any one of these:
Maybe you just changed jobs.
Or you just had a baby.
Maybe you just moved and are still living out of boxes and you find yourself thinking ‘It’s been one day too many’.
Buying a new house is another one – or not quite able to keep up with the bills.
Maybe your in-laws just pulled some trick on you again.
The sitter has been unreliable one too many a time.
Maybe your neighbors party in the back yard like it’s 4th of July year around, keeping your kids awake at night EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
No sleep will do that too.
Routines interrupted.
My best friend from college used to ask me this — so let me ask you:
“Are you picking up what I am laying down?”
Does that make sense?
There are things in life that we have control over.
Then there are those that are completely out of our control.
And yet, they still affect us.
Or your spouse or your kids.
Or all of the above.
Know that no matter what stage of life you are in, or what your age is, relationship problems are a normal part of being in a relationship.
Particularly the intimate, long-term kind of relationships that your marriage is.
As normal as it gets.
Period.
Going back to my point earlier — Once you are able to talk about your issues even existing, you’re off to a great start.
But not only that, it matters that you know that their existence in your relationship has absolutely nothing to do with the future verdict of your relationship.
Let me say that again.
There is NO direct correlation between the frequency and/or number of your relationship problems coming up and the ultimate result or level of fulfillment in your relationship.
Absolutely none.
Take my word for it.
PS: Just in case — Perfectly normal.
