Whether you have been married a day or two or several years, you know that it can sometimes be difficult talking about a lot of things.
Some have trouble talking about the in-laws, some don’t really want to discuss their jobs with each other and yet other couples have trouble agreeing on what to do with themselves in their free time – but that’s for another time.
I find that most often, when couples have difficulty discussing finances with each other, it’s because of a number of different reasons.
If this is you, you know that you should never question your spouse’s spending or ask for their bank account login information.
If this is you, you might not even really know how many jobs your spouse really has.
And, heaven forbid you knew how much they make.
It’s always been off the table.
Well, perhaps not always – but you only make that mistake once.
The second time around, you know NOT to ask.
If this is you, you dread bring up that vacation you have been saving up to take for fear that you are going to get into an argument yet again.
And yet again, not really solve or decide anything.
If this is you, you may have considered opening up a separate (secret) savings account to put away money for yourself or you and your children because you are worried that your spouse will spend all of it away.
As it stands today, you may no longer be able to trust him/her with decisions regarding your marriage and finances.
The first piece of Marriage and Finances piece – we like the power that money provides.
We like being able to make decisions.
Without interruptions.
Without interference.
We like to be able to live the life we have always dreamed of.
We want to be the people and dress in a way and shop certain places that will show the world that we’ve got power.
WHY?
Because having power makes a statement.
Having power provides ease.
Having power provides security.
And so we have gotten accustomed to having this power and to be the only ones standing on the highest platform.
Without anyone pushing us around or trying to, heaven forbid, push us out of our spot.
You may not be too surprised – We like control.
Most people do.
And money, for better or worse, serves us well that way.
Now, you may have been used to making ALL the financial decisions by yourself.
Maybe it was just a year or two, it could have been a decade or more, depending on what route you took, where you went to school and for what, and when you started working.
You and you alone had all the control over money coming in, and money going out.
That control is hard to surrender.
What do you mean I can’t have control over my money?
What do you mean now I have to share that too?
It’s hard to re-adjust to having someone else join the team and have opinions (sometimes strong, other times not so much) about where this money should go, how and when it should be spent.
But it, too, can certainly be done.
This one is sort of an extension of the point above – In today’s age when young people don’t get married until their late twenties or thirties, we have gotten accustomed to not only having our own earning potential but, also, seeing the fruit of it.
To you, it’s a no-brainer for you that you’d eat out for lunch every day.
Or that you would go to every happy hour you were ever invited to.
Who is this woman to be telling me that I can only go out with the guys once a year?
We’ve been going every Friday for what feels like ages.
I make good money, I can afford to do this, or go there or spend here.
Who is this man to be telling me that I shouldn’t go get my nails done that often?
Or that I don’t need to get my hair done this or that way, or at that place?
Or that I don’t need to buy fancy clothes because he finds the exact same quality at the second-hand store down the street?
And because you both work, and have always worked and plan to always work, you each feel entitled to your own ‘stuff’, your own ‘toys’ or your own ways to ‘entertain’ yourself.
And ultimately, your own decision making privileges.
Without a regard for the person you are with.
Well, that might have worked all your life but it won’t work very well after you get married.
You are on one team now.
It’s not her money or his money.
It’s your (of the both of you) money that you TWO will get to decide about and plan with/for.
The last thing that makes our conversations difficult — and we ought to talk about this because it’s so prevalent when talking about finances within the realm of a marriage relationship — is this: We are, subconsciously as it may be, protecting ourselves for the future.
IN CASE something happens, you know.
In case things go awry.
You may have been warned by a friend or a relative.
You may have seen this happen in your own family growing up where one parent got all the money and the other one was hung out to dry.
Most often, this happens after divorce.
So, the smart kid that you are/were, you said to yourself – whatever I am going to do in my life, rest assured – I will NOT do that.
I will let anyone do that TO ME.
I will keep track of my own money, I will make sure I save enough on the side.
I will make certain that I have a cushion stacked somewhere safe.
Just in case.
Just in case all of this goes haywire.
And that’s acting out of fear.
And acting or reacting out of fear is hardly ever good.
This is dangerous territory.
We do this without realizing that we can, in fact, behave that way all we want.
Right?
That is, as long as you are a single man or a single woman and have nobody to share with.
Once you get married, the rules change.
You can no longer behave and make decisions in the same way that you have been doing, even if it had been for years.
You can no longer behave that way because you now ARE a Married Man/Woman.
That’s what makes all the difference.
It will take some adjusting and fine-tuning, but it can be done.
You should try it.
