In some ways, I think of this as another public announcement of sorts.
Issuing a warning about marriage counseling.
You have heard it said.
The infamous ‘Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better’.
The same thing applies to counseling.
Couples walk in and they expect improvement.
Often times, the first thing that happens doesn’t resemble improvement one bit.
No matter how you slice it, it seems that things have gotten worse and not better.
Several sessions during the first two-three month window seem like you are getting the worst of it all.
How is that possible?
(This is why the title is warning about marriage counseling).
There is a really simple explanation.
The reason that things get worse and not better at first is because we have to look under the covers.
And if one (or both) of you is what I call a backpacker, this task gets to be particularly loaded.
We have to look underneath the rug to see what all is there to be able to sort it out.
Now, not everything needs to be dug out – But some things certainly do.
Particularly if they are past pain points that are still getting in the way of you two being able to be present to each other, loving and giving in the process.
That’s why you came in to see me, even if it’s on a subconscious level more than on a conscious one.
There is a reason that you kept things under cover.
There is a reason why you kept putting things off.
You didn’t want to go revisiting that fight from 6 months ago – because it was naaaasty.
It was loud and scary and you swore to yourself that you will never participate in something like that again.
You didn’t want to discuss how that vacation in Europe blew up in your faces even though it was an anniversary present for both of you.
And so not how it was was supposed to play out.
It’s not pleasant to tear off the band aid where you have put one of (and maybe three or four on top of each other, by now).
And you probably already know where this is going.
What sucks about this is that you cannot get to a level of intimacy (the one you want, remember?) by walking around with band aids covering your entire body, pretending that nothing’s wrong and you didn’t really get hurt at all.
And just the fact that you are looking at my website (or have called me already and started working with me), you know this already.
In order for you to heal (and for your spouse to heal – AND for you two to heal together), we have got to tear some of those band aids off and look at the wounds and talk about that fight or two.
Talk about the catastrophe that your trip to Italy truly was.
Those emotions come back up along with that, yes.
(And that’s why you’ve dreaded it for so long and did everything in your power to prevent them from coming up again. Because it sucks sitting in that place).
That means that you are getting in touch with that pain, however profound it was at the time.
Yes, it means reliving it in small ways – but this time, with a purpose.
This time, it’ll be the last time.
We are not doing that because in some twisted way, it brings me pleasure.
Or because it brings you two pleasure.
And we won’t sit with that muck any longer than we absolutely have to, I promise you that.
But we are doing that because that’s exactly what we need to do in order to undo the damage, bring in reconciliation and teach you a new way of interacting with each other.
That is how you close the gap and make the distance disappear – by showing up for each other, in some of those moments from the past where you failed to do so.
And learning how to do that again when/if moments like that are to come in the future.
So yes – it might seem like things are getting worse and not better at first – but what’s on the other side when you come out, is what you are after.
Going through the forest won’t kill you, I can promise you that too.
Not going through it will.
So take that and run with it. You’ve been warned.
