So you asked your spouse to do something specific.
Like — cook a meal.
Or clean the house.
And you come home one day, late because of a meeting you had to attend.
You walk in and you sort of can’t believe what you see.
Three meals on the stove.
No kidding.
Something that you don’t remember having seen – maybe ever.
And they are pretty involved, too.
No doubt about it.
A chicken and pasta meal (yes, from scratch), a soup that didn’t just require dumping five different kinds of cans in a big pot and something else.
But — as your taste buds are getting a preview of the feast that’s to come — you make your way through the dining room and you realize that you are in for another sort of surprise.
Not exactly the pleasant kind.
The dishes are ALSO piled up three stories high.
The counters still have olive oil and tomato sauce all over them.
The pots and pans seem to be waiting for the overnight maid on the stove still.
And it seems there is not one pot left clean – ALL of them have been used for one thing or another.
As you’ve made a plate of one of the meals, you can’t help but wonder: How hard can this be?
All I asked for was that he’d help out with making a meal.
Once or twice a week.
Did I really have to ask for a meal or two AND for the kitchen to be cleaned up afterwards?
Does that not come with it?
Why does it have to be this hard?
Would a mature adult NOT be able to figure that out, really???
And you sit there — silently or loudly stewing – Am I really asking that much?
Pardon my intrusion.
Let’s get back to why this I call this Celebrate Your Victories in the first place.
Remember what happened a few weeks ago?
What you asked? What you were so annoyed with not getting?
I know the answer because you made your position quite clear.
I know walking into that kitchen was not the sight you were hoping to see.
And I get it.
But – if I may, I’d like to remind you of something. Every so gently, yes.
A few weeks ago, this would have been unheard of.
You hadn’t ever seen this, remember?
This, your husband, making three meals for the family in one night, deal.
Making it ahead of time so that you are all set for lunches and dinners on your busiest nights of the week.
He could have just made mac’n cheese.
He could have brought home that meal in a pan you just throw in the oven and let bake for an hour.
But he didn’t.
He didn’t go pick up that Chinese takeout you always get when you run out of steam.
He made a delicious meal that all your coworkers are going to be jealous of the next day and you know it.
He even thought to make extras so that you had leftovers the following night because heaven knows you can’t fit that in with music and ballet and cub scouts all in one day.
Before you asked – You would have never seen him do it.
Now, I know that he didn’t do it perfectly (and you might have forgotten to say that cooking includes cleaning up, maybe?).
But he did what you asked. He made a meal. I call that a victory. A delicious one at that.
Celebrate that.
Change happens one step at a time.
It’s no joke – Perfection doesn’t come at first try. (Even though I don’t think we are after perfection really. But if perfection in your mind includes the meals made and the kitchen clean, then yes.)
So here’s one more thing we’ve got to cover.
How do you actually pull that off – this celebrate your victories part – in real life.
Even though it feels like it’s impossible at this very second – it is possible.
I tell you that because I have done it and I have seen others do it too.
It IS possible for you to celebrate that and sit in gratitude.
And make your gratitude known.
In fact, I’d strongly recommend it.
Be open and don’t hold back- as you tell him how much you appreciate him smelling up the house (if you mean it, of course) and getting all this food done in one day.
As you share with him the choice of meals because you haven’t had that in a while and he surely did it because he knows it’s your favorite.
The more you make it known, the more of it you have coming.
Mark my words.
If you want more dinners at another time, if you want the house picked up or the yard cleaned. It applies the same way.
For something to occur that has never occurred before is progress. And progress comes in layers.
So you say – But this isn’t how I wanted it.
I hear you – That’s alright.
Because later – as in another day – you can talk about how helpful it would have been to have the kitchen cleaned too.
So that when you came home, beat and ready to chill, that would have been taken care of as well.
That’s fine. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. But don’t let the effort be thrown out. Don’t miss the energy and time he put in just because this time, the gift didn’t have a perfectly matching bow on top.
Let’s remember:
He went to get the food (even though he hates grocery shopping).
He looked up the recipes.
He thought to imitate what you usually do having a protein, two sides of veggies and a carb.
He proceeded to accomplish all that.
No matter how you slice it, having gone from zero to all that is a big deal.
It is.
You can ask anyone.
So let him know that.
And don’t just say that he missed the mark.
Let him know that you appreciate it.
With “so close” you are not doing yourselves any favors.
Keep in mind that a new habit doesn’t come without practice.
That for that habit to be nearing perfection, it will have to have happened a dozen times at least.
Don’t get overwhelmed and discouraged; instead remember this rule and apply it next time.
PS: It IS a big deal. Really.
