You will not believe how long I debated.
Over and over again, how many times I talked myself out it – I lost track.
But when it happened again for the I don’t remember which number of times, I knew I had to do something.
Let’s get right to it.
So– What IS the single biggest mistake that couples make when they reach out to do couples counseling?
Take it as a warning of sorts – so that you won’t end up being the next couple that this happens to.
PLEASE.
And I mean that in the most genuinely caring way.
I almost think of it as a public service announcement of sorts.
I held onto it far too long – Now word needs to get out.
It wasn’t that dire of a state when it all started.
They knew they needed help.
Were both on the same page about it.
They looked around to see about their possibilities, compared notes, ended up reaching out and taking the first step.
They spoke with me on the phone – it’s what I have everyone do.
Schedule the initial phone consultation to make sure that I am a good fit for both.
He scheduled his, showed up, talked with me.
She did the same.
Separate conversations, different times.
From the comfort of their home, behind closed doors at their office, or in a previously-reserved conference room one floor up from where they normally sit.
There was no doubt they were both sincere about their demise.
It was clear they both wanted to do something about it.
They let me know I seemed like a good fit, thanking me for my time and my support and said they would be back in touch about next steps once they connected with each other.
Like I asked them to.
But then — something happened.
I didn’t hear from them.
“Life” is what must have happened.
They never reached back out.
UNTIL…
Sometimes it’s a few weeks, sometimes months or even years later.
They reach out again.
They say – “We spoke with you x-months/weeks/years ago.
We really liked you, can we now do the next thing and come in for the in-person consultation?
We REALLY need your help.”
They are on the phone, asking to schedule a session as soon as possible.
They say those words with a particular urgency in their voices.
You want to guess what happened?
I almost want to say – Be my guest (but not in the rude kind of way)
Things didn’t improve.
No surprise there.
That would be the definition of insanity – How does the saying go?
“If you keep doing the same thing, you can’t expect a different outcome.”
(Thanks, Einstein.)
Things got way worse, in fact.
What did it actually look like, you wonder?
See for yourself.
Miserable Scenario No.1
— They now sleep in different bedrooms
And have for the better part of the last however many months. Since two weeks after they spoke with me. They ended up having an argument that neither one of them knew how to resolve. And they got stuck. Stuck so much in fact that besides the ultra-necessary exchanges, they hardly said a word to each other. And then one of them pointed out the obvious – I guess I should just move out….?
Miserable Scenario No. 2
— One spouse now moved out completely and is living with their family (or a friend or a colleague)
In the public eye they are calling it a proactive separation (whatever that means).
Mostly, so that they wouldn’t have to explain what has really been happening in their marriage when people realize they drove their separate cars to the same party.
And for their kids’ sake.
Because you have to explain it to them somehow.
Miserable Scenario No. 3
— One (or both) of them had an affair during his/her last business trip overseas.
Or, one (or both) of them had an emotional affair with a friend from the past they reconnected with on social media.
Or, one (or both) of them made out with someone (who is not their spouse) at the last company event.
Out of nowhere.
Totally unplanned, un-calculated, it just happened.
And because they are terrible at lying, they confess to the each other.
Miserable Scenario No. 4
— One of them slipped back into an old addiction.
Whatever that might have been – food, porn, alcohol, gambling, pot, prescription drugs.
Whatever it took to numb the pain and heartache of this relationship falling apart right in front of their eyes.
In case you don’t know, addictions only get the waters muddier.
They tend to complicate things more, not help anything.
And so they did.
Miserable Scenario No. 5
–One of them got so upset one day that they hit or shoved the other person and the police was involved.
The mess there is to pick up after that is not minimal.
Let me tell you, restraining orders don’t exactly make family time a breeze.
Or couples therapy really smooth.
Does that give you a sense of it? So, one of them says, beggingly –
“We REALLY need help.
What’s the first appointment you have available?
We can come ANYtime (even if previously it might have been a detailed schedule full of ‘busy’ or ‘unavailable’).”
Now, we can talk about why that is.
How that has to do with your subconscious crying out for help, so you reach out for help, looking for therapy.
And when that’s not enough, when there is no follow-through, when nothing actually takes place that offers some actual relief or some hope – you decide, (again, on a subconscious level) if nobody can hear me crying out, maybe I need to scream instead.
And that’s what the affair becomes.
Or the drinking incident.
That’s the purpose of it.
To somehow make more noise so that someone will hear. Anyone.
But that might be a topic for a separate article another time.
Remember the cut you got on your thumb a couple of weeks ago?
If you don’t do anything with it, or worse yet, you keep picking at it, it ain’t gonna get better on its own.
It needs a band-aid, some Aquaphor.
You might need to be free from dish-duty for a day or two so that it can heal up again.
If none of those things happen, and you add picking at it all the time, of course it’s not about to magically get better overnight.
It, too, will look worse.
It will bleed worse.
The cut will get bigger in size.
That’s what happens.
Contrary to how we sometimes act, it doesn’t go in the opposite direction.
The truth of a wise man comes to mind:
“You can be a warning, or you can be an example.” Jim Rohn
Some people would say we all get to make that choice.
But I use it for my couples, too.
What’s your marriage gonna be?
Are you two gonna be carrying a warning sign on your foreheads?
Or are you going to be the example your children will cherish for a lifetime to come?
If you think this only happens to other people, you are dead wrong.
If you think this is not an anomaly and only happens once every twenty years, you couldn’t do be farther from the truth.
This is NOT an isolated occurrence.
And the second you think you are immune to it, you will be under attack.
There is no such thing as immunity.
We are all at risk.
Don’t for a moment think that you are the exception.
I want the best for you and your relationship – As a marriage expert, as a wife myself, and as a fellow human.
As much as it pains me to have to say this out loud, please hear me when I say this one last thing:
If you don’t do anything about it, this could be you.
And I very much would like a different outcome for your marriage.
The one that ends with transformed.
Yes, your marriage, transformed.
Don’t follow suit.
Don’t drop the ball on something this critical and make the single biggest mistake like they did.
