Let’s see if you can relate.
Sitting there, at brunch, we were talking all things married life as we were preparing for the big day.
Ladies – some family, some friends from church, gathered together to get me ready for what’s to come. All of them at least twenty years my senior.
Some, related to my husband-to-be.
We had already survived the wedding in Europe.
This happened before the reception here in the States.
Sitting together, drinking fancy coffees and freshly squeezed orange or grapefruit juice, I got to hear their pieces of their mind.
They shared some of their best advice they had received decades prior.
They opened up to share struggles they’d faced.
And along came the one that ended up playing in my head for years to come.
Kind of like a record.
It went something like this:
“If I can give you one piece of advice, don’t badmouth your husband in public and in front your friends and family.
Don’t share the bad stuff with people. Only share the good.
The bad isn’t for the world to see. It’s for you to keep behind closed doors.
I knew someone who would always talk smack about their husband and it ruined their marriage. Because it wasn’t for public consumption. And she broke that rule.”
I don’t see a problem with wanting to be respectful when it comes to private conversations and intimate details of one’s marriage.
I get that.
But to say that it made for quite a few miserable years in our marriage – what were supposed to have been the best years of our lives – is an understatement.
Not knowing any better, I took it to heart.
Our first weeks, months and years weren’t all that fantastic.
But I vowed to respect my husband and not talk about it with anyone.
So people thought we were doing great.
I am sure of it.
And they would tell me later.
I kept taking bigger and bigger bites all by myself and swallowing the pieces whole, so as not to break the confidence and un-follow the rule that I was given.
In some ways, it made sense to me.
I didn’t want to talk to my family so as not to make him look bad.
I was obviously not going to talk to his family about how their son and I were not living up to the expectation or having that perfect marriage.
People that knew him before me were out, too.
People that we met as a couple – same thing. Because we were presenting a different kind of front to them.
And of course, I wanted my friends to like him.
What happened as a result was no pretty sight.
It’s time to break the silence.
I see that happening nowadays – with other couples subscribing to the same reality and advice. And it brings the same outcomes, no matter what.
Not only have I become an expert – and I mean EXPERT at withdrawal – my life because incredibly lonely.
The loneliness I felt as a newly married woman – there was no comparison.
I mourned the days of my single life.
Because then – none of this was part of my reality.
I hadn’t had a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone for years.
I wasn’t able to share the pain, the struggle, the frustration – and so I didn’t.
Because I was bound to follow the rules.
Until I figured out that it wasn’t serving me well at all.
And not only did I become lonely, I became resentful about that loneliness. And resentful of my marriage for it.
That I had cut myself off from other people because I wasn’t able to be real and talk about the real life stuff that was happening day to day – knowing that it wouldn’t fit the mold of the highlight reel.
I am not suggesting that you broadcast everything to everyone.
That it all becomes the ‘show’ everyone’s watching. If that’s what you need or want, it’s called reality TV.
There are lines, for sure – and boundaries to be had.
Absolutely.
But you ought to be able to talk to your closest friend or two about what really is going on.
You ought to be able to share your heart somewhere.
Because it’s too much for you carry alone.
And if and when you do, the loneliness piece is no longer.
Now, I KNOW it was meant well. I never did question that.
To this day, I don’t think this person was mal-intentioned in sharing that with me.
There is potential that I misunderstood.
That I took it too far.
Or – there was potential that for her day and age as compared to mine, something just didn’t quite translate well.
Either way – If you were on that same bandwagon, I want to free you of this.
I want to give you permission to speak up, open up to someone and share your life. Share your story and your pain.
Because in sharing, it becomes smaller.
It loses power.
It becomes more doable and treatable.
It’s the truth.
Find support and get your relationship to where you want it to be. It starts with one person. And yes, be picky about who that’s gonna be. But start.
Holding it all in for years is like holding your breath underwater and never coming up for air.
You don’t want to do that.
Take my word for it.
Now, if you are thinking of that friend of yours who needs to hear this message – If you know someone who’s all too familiar with this, help them out and share this post with them. I will be grateful and I have a feeling, they will too.
