Everyone has it figured out.
It’s time.
It’s time to bust another myth.
This has been on my mind and it’s such a big misconception that we have GOT to talk about it.
Here goes:
Everyone else has it all figured out. (HA!)
They must, right?
They aren’t talking about it.
Nobody is.
And it’s not that nobody talks about it because it’s NOT a problem.
But it’s certainly NOT coming up at the dinner table with the whole extended family around.
Right?
Here’s the truth – you ready?
Nobody has is all figured out.
When it comes to your marriage, when it comes to your relationship – even when you are working on it – it doesn’t necessarily guarantee 100% success rates 100% of the time.
My husband and I have been married nearly thirteen years now, and we are working at it.
I specialize in working with couples on making their marriages better, for crying out loud, so our marriage should be spotless, right?
AND STILL –
We have our moments.
Some moments of fail.
Some tiny, some epic.
We have nonetheless.
Listen to this.
Even a couple of weeks ago – as I was working on a video for the FB group I run.
It was Thursday night — that’s when I do the FB lives.
I was working from home that day.
The kids got off the bus.
I had them do their things – clean their lunch boxes, do their music practice, put their coats and shoes away, clean up after themselves and their snack – you know, the things.
Then I asked them to go read in the other room, saying – “I will come get you when I am done recording” – so as to minimize distractions.
I had sent my husband a text message that said something like:
“I am making a video for work.”
Figured that was enough.
Only, I was to my last couple of things to say for the recording – and he waltzes through the door.
Because of our open concept main floor, I hear it all, the door slamming, his throwing his bag on the floor – all of it.
I got so distracted (and the truth is, I get distracted really easily so that’s not hard to do) – BUT – I got so distracted that I completely lost track of what I was saying – Long story short, I had to redo the whole video again.
Frustrated beyond belief because – I WAS SO CLOSE to being done.
The same thing happened a few weeks prior.
Only this time, I didn’t specify – I’ll come turn the porch lights off once I am done like I did then.
I figured that was understood.
Well, clearly – It wasn’t.
It may have made total sense in my head. I never asked in a really specific manner what I had needed him to do.
Now, whether you have a spouse who needs everything laid out like that every time or you don’t – we had to work through this.
And I wish – I wish I could say that it only took a couple of minutes – It wasn’t.
I was beyond MAD.
And – from my point of view – to add insult to injury – I couldn’t help but think – how is it that the kids were able to understand and comply with my request – and he wasn’t?
But then also – we talked in person, not over text (with my kids, that is) and I had asked them what specifically I wanted them to do.
They’ve done it before.
They did it now.
They had no trouble doing that.
They knew they were waiting for me to come in and open their door – that was the sign.
Mommy’s done recording. We can now go back to making all the ruckus we want 🙂
So, our recovery wasn’t instantaneous.
But then we did.
We did recover and we were able to specify where the communication went sideways.
And I just realized that I can’t assume that he’d understand what that meant.
EVEN IF we had JUST done the same thing a week or two ago.
(And also – In a man’s mind and memory, that’s like a year or two ago. Seriously. Just ask a man you know.)
Now, as I’ve mentioned, I usually make these videos at the office so this is typically not an issue. And I do them all the time there, so not a problem at all.
So this was an exception.
But for me to expect that he would have known what that meant – was unrealistic.
All that to say… Please know that nobody has this marriage thing figured out automatically.
Nobody gets it to status “perfect”.
Even if they have thirty some years of marriage under their belt.
And they have been proactively working on their relationship that same length of time.
Here’s what you need to know:
People don’t talk about it because there is stigma and shame involved. NOT because they have it figured out.
They don’t talk about it because they have never heard anyone else talk about it.
Which is also why, in most cases, I don’t get referrals.
Not personal referrals, that is.
As in from one client to another.
[Did you know that? Does that come as a surprise?]
More often than not, couples find me on Google because they are too embarrassed to say to anyone – “Hey, I am just about ready to quit this marriage.”
“My husband and I are in a terrible spot.”
“The lady of the house and I – we haven’t been in a good place for a while.”
So I wanted to say this – to encourage you to talk about it.
Talk about how your relationship isn’t working.
Talk about it between the two of you.
Talk about it with a friend.
Talk about it with someone outside of your marriage.
Don’t let bad advice like this get in your way like I did a long time ago.
And then, get to working on it.
And talk about it still.
Because we aren’t doing anyone any favors by pretending.
By faking our way through.
Improvement happens one conversation at a time.
Even if your communication skills have gotten completely rusty over time.
Even if your marriage seems hopeless beyond measure.
It’s not.
