Yeah, that’s fair – Let’s talk about this – yet another – pet-peeve of mine.
The good ol’ “Yeah, that’s fair” response and let’s talk about why that’s so incredibly useless.
You know which one I am talking about, right?
When your husband or your wife is saying something to you, voicing their pain point about something.
About how you forgot to show up for something important, or you weren’t on time when they have asked of you – to be on time for that particular thing because it’s, super important to them, or they are sharing how you let them down at the family reunion, or what ever the case might be – and you, in the most humble way possible, responded with:
Yeah, that’s fair.
As in, yeah – I can see that.
What’s up with that?
And then sort of agree to the thing they are asking – As if you needed to agree with it – or see it.
That’s not hard to do – That’s too easy.
It’s too easy to respond with what you need to respond with – when you “agree” with what your spouse is saying.
We gotta stop pretending that it matters for us to actually agree; and listen when — or particularly listen, and listen better even, when — we are not in agreement.
When we don’t see it exactly that same way.
Because ‘that’s fair’ says – and assumes – Yep, I see where you are coming from, and I would have probably been also equally as pissed if that situation would happen in reverse.
That would have bothered me too.
Or that would be ridiculous for you to do, so yes, I see how it’s ridiculous that I did that.
I want you to listen and pay attention even if – or particularly when – you can’t say “that’s fair”.
Those times when you keep screaming at the top of your lungs instead of the appropriate response – THAT’S. NOT. FAIR!
Or if you are not screaming it – you are worried your insides are going to pop open because you can’t contain it any longer.
When you don’t see it the same way, that’s when I want you to listen.
There’s SO much talk about how much help couples need with communication – 95% of the couples that walk into my office – it’s one of their top five goals, no doubt.
Because we’ve heard it all around us, the message is – we need to communicate better.
BUT so many times that’s said, what people understand that to mean is – we need to learn how to talk to each other better.
And THAT’s the big misconception.
When you don’t see it the same way, that’s when I want you to perk up your ears like a dog that’s heard somebody messing with the jar where the treats are kept.
That’s when your partner NEEDS you to listen more.
And listen better.
So – leave the “that’s fair” crap on the side line, please stop acting like you have to approve or somehow agree with your partner’s request – and just listen.
Put ALL your ideas about what is “reasonable” or “normal” for YOU, put them aside – stop assigning your values to the rest of the world without ever having done any research, leave all that on the side lines – and just listen.
And when what they are saying doesn’t quite make sense to you from your perspective, ask them to explain.
But even if in the end it doesn’t quite make sense, take your spouse’s request seriously, stop your own processing of – however this would or wouldn’t make sense to you if the situation were in reverse – and make a decision.
My wife, my husband has a pain point.
They pulled themselves together enough to share it with me.
Let me hear them out, let me really listen and then make a decision whether or not I am able to comply with their request.
Whether or not that would have been your issue in the first place.
Or your ask in response.
That’s it.
Rant over.
