Welcome to Q&A Thursday – Today we are talking about how to talk to my spouse about drinking.
The question we received today is – How do I talk to my spouse about drinking without them feeling like I am trying to be controlling?
Alcohol is a hot topic. Always has been, always will be.
And certainly is now.
How do you navigate this?
Let’s get right to it.
So, first off – let’s get one thing straight.
You can’t control another person.
You know this, right?
Anything that you ever ask of your partner, you can ask them to do it, but, ultimately, you can’t make them do what you want them to do.
Just as nobody else can make you do what you don’t want to do.
It’s a losing strategy through and through.
One of the five magical losing strategies – this is something I learned from Terry Real, you can read about it in his book called The New Rules for Marriage.
Now, please know that I am not talking about our kids.
As a mom, I can make my kids clean their room, brush their teeth twice as long if they are not doing a good job, or take out the trash, but they are kids and I am the adult.
And more importantly, I am their adult.
So that dynamic is totally different than that of one spouse with another.
We are not talking today about how to make our kids do things.
We are talking about all you, husbands and all you, wives.
Just want to make sure that we are on the same page.
Because that would be contained in a completely different book.
Now that we got the piece about what are not talking about out of the way, here’s what we are talking about.
What you would do if the way that your partner drinks and you needing to talk to them about how you end up feeling in response —
uncomfortable, or feeling unsafe.
Or concerned, frustrated or angry.
In some cases, it will be all of the above. Or something else for some of you.
I look at it in the same way that I look at someone driving like a maniac.
I may be that someone.
Don’t get me wrong – I am a safe driver, I just drive a little faster than most.
You know I have European blood running through my veins.
But if my husband were to approach me, and say –
Hey – when we go like this together, and you drive like this together, I don’t feel safe.
Or don’t feel comfortable with how to do this or the other thing, how you change lanes four lanes at a time (just for the record, I don’t do this — I am just using that as an example)
I can hear that and adjust course.
He can’t make me drive slower.
But I have a decision to make- do I care more about driving how I like to drive even if that means that he won’t drive with me anywhere, and we will have to take two cars even though we are going to the exact same place at the very same time –
OR I can say to myself I don’t want him to be scared for his life.
I don’t want him to have to hold on to the handle like his life’s about to end.
I want him to feel good, not be all stressed and sweaty before we even get to the party because he was so uncomfortable all the way there.
So – I will adjust my driving and take it down a notch, maybe drive 5/10 miles less per hour in the city.
Or whatever that might look like.
He isn’t making me do it.
I am deciding that for myself.
But yes, I am making my decision in response to what he approached me with, and I am saying, yes I care.
I care about all those things.
And I care about how my husband feels when he’s in the car with me.
Same goes for drinking.
I can’t make anyone stop drinking.
And guess what?
Neither can you.
And those of you that have ever been in that place before know what I am talking about.
Whether it was a friend, a family member, or a spouse.
How do you bring that up?
Exactly the same way.
Hey – when we go out, and you have x amount of drinks, or you mix drinks, or you lose count – or whatever the situation might be –
I really am not comfortable with you passing out at our friends’ parties.
It’s really hard for me to watch you get louder and louder and then start swearing (which you otherwise don’t ever do) or saying appropriate things.
Or being inappropriate with others of the opposite sex (which you also otherwise never do).
Or – it just makes me plain sad that you don’t remember what we talked about the next morning or know what happened, really.
Then you pose your ask – and you have to think about it- and make it as specific as possible.
What is my ask in this particular instance/situation?
Hey, it would really help me out if you…only had a couple of drinks when we go out so that you can remember and participate in the conversation.
Or it would really help me out if when we go out, you would drink water in between every drink that you are having.
Maybe it’s that you wouldn’t drink on an empty stomach – that you would eat before you come to a happy hour or drink with the meal.
It would really help me out if you could do this and not the other thing.
And then – you leave it up to them.
And they will have a choice to make: I can either adjust how I do this drinking thing – Or my husband/or my wife will not want to go to happy hours with me anymore.
They will not want to join me for parties that we are all invited to come to.
He or she will have to go to her own social events alone, and I will have to go to mine – alone, again – I don’t want that. Do I?
I want to be able to go with him/with her – so – what is it that I am willing to say no to, right?
How is it that I am willing to adjust what I am doing when it comes to my drinking?
What’s more important to me – that’s the ultimate question- What IS more important to me?
Is it that I get to drink how much I want and when I want to, that I lose track of what’s happening, that I get to have “Fun”? — OR —
That I get to spend Friday nights in the company of the person that I care the most about?
What is more important to me – You need to make the decision.
It’s more important that you are not miserable, or that you stop wanting to be seen with me in public.
You need to make that decision and then act accordingly.
So, that’s my thought for you for the day.
Go try it.
If this is something that you are having an issue with, do it today. Talk to your spouse about their drinking.
It’s too important not to.
And if you find yourself needing some help as you do it, don’t hesitate to reach out.
