Today we are talking about why your “No Offense” comment never really offends me & what YOU can do about it.
I think it’s safe to say that most people generally don’t talk about their therapy experience with anyone.
Less so even when they realize that there is a psychotherapist sitting in the room.
It doesn’t happen ALL the time, but it just happened again so I decided to say something back.
Because when you are in the moment, when I am in the middle of that situation happening right in front of my eyes – I don’t get to say a thing. I don’t get to respond.
How does this happen?
Here – you may have been in this situation yourself.
It can really happen anywhere, a kids’ birthday party, a networking meeting, a family gathering, a church small group meeting, a family gathering.
Someone there will be talking about their less-than-ideal experience in the counseling setting.
As they are talking – the moment they realize (or remember) that I am there – they do the head-tilt to the side, stopping mid-sentence, look you in the eye and offer the two word phrase – No offense, Danka.
And they continue with their story about how useless their last session was for one reason or another.
I smile in response.
If I can think quickly enough on my feet, I offer back my two word phrase – “none taken”.
But because I can’t, I usually just say – “it’s ok”, shaking my head a little, raising my eyebrows just enough to make sure they knew that I didn’t feel called out.
That I am not feeling offended – almost as if to give them permission to continue telling their story about how that session (or sessions in plural) didn’t serve their purpose.
Letting them continue communicating how unhappy they were with the situation.
Sometimes I almost feel like they use the “No offense” plugin as sort of an apology.
An apology in advance. (We talk about Apologies more here – just in case.)
As if to say – I don’t mean for this to offend you – my talking about my experience with my psychotherapist has nothing to do with you. That it’s not to reflect what I do with my clients.
I don’t take offense to that.
Ever, really.
Because what follows suit is typically something I don’t ever do with my clients.
Therefore, it doesn’t resonate.
Nor does it apply.
More often than not, the comment is made when someone shares about their frustration of how they used their session for a processing out loud of whatever is happening in their life – with the therapist not offering anything in return.
Something to the effect of: “They sat there, listened to me, said nothing, and I still paid them a pretty penny. I could’ve just talked to a friend.”
If you’ve ever worked with me, that is not at all my posture.
Whether it was individual work or couples work – I am not one to shy away from teaching.
(Once a teacher, always a teacher..? Is that how the saying goes?:))
Yes, I am great at listening.
Yes, I am an expert at holding space and allowing silence in to sit there as if it were a third person in the room.
Even in grad school my professors and members of my cohort commented on that many a time.
But that’s not all I do. That’s not how couples work works.
That’s not the only way I show up in the room with my clients.
There are sessions – and my clients will attest to this – when I talk way more than my clients.
When I take most of the session to teach.
There are sessions when I stop, redirect, remind, correct – do all those things way more than what we are accustomed to seeing on TV.
So as for your “No Offense” comment – no, I am not offended.
If anything, I feel bad that that’s what your experience is (or has been) and, more than anything, I feel bad that you aren’t actually getting out of your work with your therapist what you need to be getting out of it.
So if this is you – here’s what you can do about it.
First of all, if the professional you are working with doesn’t feel like the right fit, if it doesn’t feel like you were a good match to work together from the get-go, you should go talk to someone else.
Oftentimes when the referral comes from a friend, or a family member or a pastor – OR anyone we know and trust, we feel like they would know what we need.
Therefore, if this is the person they sent us to – it’s gotta be the right person or they wouldn’t have sent us their way.
Right?
Or that’s the thinking.
But that’s not always the case.
Just because your friend had a marvelous experience, or your parents’ marriage improved by leaps and bounds, it still isn’t a guarantee that you are going to be a good fit with that same professional on a personal level.
I am talking about You and the individual you are, and them, the individual they are.
People will say – But I trust them, I don’t want to disregard their opinion or dismiss their referral.
I don’t want to reject their direction.
But the thing is – They can vouch for so many other things about who they sent you to see but what they cannot guarantee is the “click” that you make; the connection that you are able (or unable) to make.
If from the very beginning you’ve felt like the connection wasn’t there, this is you.
And even though the prospect of searching for someone new may seem overwhelming to you, you will never be able to be served the way you need to at that place.
So I encourage you – do it – reach out to other people and find someone else.
Second, do some thinking about what it is that bothers you about this.
And then, once you have your reasons ready – YEP, you guessed it :)- Talk to the person that you are seeing.
Have an honest chat with them about where you are, what you were hoping to get out of the process that you are not getting.
See if you can articulate for them what that would be and ask them for that directly.
Be open.
Be honest.
Ask for what you need.
And then give them a chance.
What I mean is – Give them a chance to adjust and give you what it is that you are asking for.
If you do the first three steps, and wait a good month or so (assuming you are meeting once a week), and you continue to NOT get out of the process what you need to get out of it, own it.
It’s time.
Be polite, say thank you, explain one more time (if you think it’s necessary).
And then – Go out there, find someone who is more engaging, more interactive, and does more of the things you’d like to see in your therapy session.
In the end, I think I can speak for all of us – we, the professionals, truly want you, the client, to get what you need to get at this particular crossroads in your life.
And I can say without hesitation for myself:
If, once we start working together, and you bring up your concerns to me, I’m still unable to help you with what you need help in a way that you need it, I am happy to refer you to my best colleagues out there.
Because it’s never that we’re unwilling.
And because we’re not unwilling, that means we’re unable.
And if I’m unable, or if the person you are seeing is unable, then you definitely should go talk to someone else.
