Language Matters.
[And I’m not just saying that just because I was a linguist in my previous life = always a linguist at heart. We are talking about a sneaky little shift, afterall.]
HOW you say things to one another in your marriage matters.
“That’s obvious, Danka, what’s new?”
Hang tight.
This one though – This one can be sneaky.
How you refer to one another speaks volumes.
ESPECIALLY if your spouse is begging for a real partnership, for you to be a true team.
Here’s a simple (yet profound) way to express it EVERY DAY.
This is what it starts with.
Stop saying:
MY House, MY kids, MY time, MY money, MY room, MY resources.
The individualistic society we live in isn’t helping any.
I know.
“It’s just the way we say things,” you say ever so innocently.
I know.
But that can NO LONGER be an excuse.
You want your spouse to feel like you two are in this together?
Switch that to:
OUR house, OUR kids, OUR food, OUR cars, Our time, Our money, Our pets.
Ever so subtle.
The switch – It was supposed to have happened when you got married.
From ME to US.
MINE to OURS.
But it’s SO normalized in our society that we don’t see the damage it’s causing.
You can refer to things as OURS and by way of doing that communicate to your spouse that, truly, IT IS US.
It’s no longer you over there, and me over here.
We are in this together.
Of course you have pushback, it’s alright.
I know that your car is yours because it’s the car you drive.
I know that your toothbrush is yours, and you don’t want to share that.
That’s fine.
That’s not what I am talking about.
I’m talking about when you use that in a way that divisive.
That pulls you apart – instead of bringing you closer together.
Here’s the challenge – how do WE figure it out together?
Consider the difference here:
“I’m making my plans for my time off.
I want to take my kids on a vacation.
I have my money, don’t worry, I don’t need to pull it out of the shared account.
I’m paying for my daughter’s tuition, there’s no way I’m not doing it – I’ll figure it out.
(And my all time favorite – yes, I’m being sarcastic:)
I’ll pay you back for that thing that cost us money that we should be both paying for and contributing to.”
VERSUS this:
“Do you think we can sit down and make plans for our next vacation?
Where should we go?
Are we taking the kiddos with or is this and you and me special?
I have also been thinking about our children’s school fees – I would love to chat about how we can support them through college.
What do you think about that?
What could we do for each of them?”
Me and you on one hand versus us on the other.
That’s the difference.
When you keep saying ME/MY/MINE, you inadvertently slide back into pre-married status.
It causes separation.
That’s not very useful now, is it?
So, give it a try.
The ROI?
You have no idea.
PS: For more tips about how to Stop Screwing Yourselves Over in your marriage, click this link here.
