You tell me – You think that you need to do something Big.
Something extravagant that will get you out of this hole that you are in with your spouse.
That you need to find one big fix.
One big thing.
This is true for most of you – You don’t believe me when I say, it actually isn’t one big thing.
Here’s how I know that’s true.
Besides the fact that I have a decade of proof on my side – with hundreds of couples at this point.
It did NOT take ONE BIG catastrophic event to get you to where you are.
Right now.
It took hundreds of different little things every month – needs that were being unmet.
Where you were not being listened to.
You felt being ignored by one another.
The little things weren’t happening.
It’s all the little stuff that collects.
Week after week, month after month.
It ends up building that divide.
Some people like to think of it as a hole in the ground.
Other people like to think of it as a wall, that we are building brick by brick.
Whatever works for you best – you pick.
The truth is – you don’t start noticing it when you can still see through it, when it’s just up to your ankles, or up to your knees.
The wall isn’t tall enough yet.
You can still walk across it, no problem.
The problem starts showing up when you get to this place.
Now I can’t cross it. It’s too high.
And I can’t even see it.
I can’t even see to the other side.
The wall has gotten so big.
Or – if we go back to the hole analogy (or the crater that it’s become by now) –
It’s become so big, so wide that you can’t even jump over.
You can’t hear each other because the distance has now gotten so big you can’t understand the words no matter how loud each of you are yelling.
It does not take ONE BIG monumental thing to bring you back together.
And then it’s POOF – Here are are, all good, well and dandy.
(I wish it were…cause I know some of you would like that better)
It takes ten little things every week to start.
Here’s what I will tell you also:
When you start doing those after not having done them for a decade (or more), your partner might not be able to accept it.
They are not going to see it for what it is – as in – your attempt to create closeness – they might not even notice the difference or the fact that you are doing it on purpose at first.
Doing something to make your relationship better.
When I say they might not notice it, I mean:
They might not be all over you for it – and that’s ok.
Here’s the thing:
Many of you will do one thing.
Will do two things.
Maybe even three.
Or pay attention to one thing three times in a row.
Saying to themselves – I know his love language is this, so I came and gave him a hug and he pushed me away.
Or, I know her love language is a clean kitchen so I cleaned up the counters one night – she didn’t even say anything afterwards.
I know her love language is gifts and I got the cute little thing that I knew she would appreciate – and I heard nothing in response.
And then you quit.
Then you stop.
You say to yourself: “Gosh Darned, this isn’t working!”
I want to encourage you to keep going.
That’s the only way to success.
We don’t get on a exercise regimen only to do it for one day, and then – when you see that no weight dropped off your body immediately – sell all the equipment back and say: Well, forget this.
Here’s what I want you to remember:
It didn’t take one of those – it took hundreds of those to get you away from each other, disconnected.
And in that exact same way-
It doesn’t take one big event, one big seminar, one big reading-marriage-books-marathon that you do in the month of September – it doesn’t take one of them —
It takes you doing the little things over and over and over again until the person on the other side can actually see –
“Oh my gosh, that first time it rang a bell – and I noticed it but I didn’t do anything in response.
I didn’t say anything – even though it’s been like two weeks, and it’s been really nice!
She’s really reaching out, making an effort.
Wow. This means so much”
Keep doing it Until they can no longer ignore it.
So they don’t.
So, just in case you missed it – this is me – bursting your bubble – to say:
There.
Is.
No.
One.
Thing.
Stop looking for it.
Stop getting “distracted”.
It’s not going to take you buying them a trip around the world.
Spending two months together if you’re miserable at home now.
That is not the answer.
(You’ll be miserable there just like you are miserable here.)
I want you to see and give different little things to each other so that you can actually arrive where you want to be.
And THEN — Then take that trip you’ve been dying to go on together.
We’ve been sold this lie.
See it for what it is and go from there.
You got this.
For other lies that you’ve likely been told, I’ve busted some more myths here.
