“My husband said something hurtful to me, and I have a hard time with it.
Sometimes I won’t think about it, other times it’s all I can think about.
He has apologized and said that he didn’t mean it.
I always tell him then why did you say it?
He has several excuses why he might have said it.
It always comes back up and when I tell him how hurt I got by the comment he usually gets mad and tells me to get over it.
Do you have any suggestions on what I should do to stop thinking about it all the time, it’s causing arguments in our marriage.”
Here’s the first thing to remember.
We – meaning, the humans – will say things to each other that we don’t mean.
You know how I know?
Because I have.
And the easiest way for you to find out and confirm my theory is doing this.
I want you to ask that same question of yourself.
Have you ever said something mean to your husband that you didn’t mean?
If not to your husband, have you ever said something mean to someone else in your life that you didn’t mean?
Answer that for yourself, in an honest way.
Where something just slipped out?
You blurted something out before you were able to catch it?
Alright – now that you have that answer – Answer this next one.
Why did YOU say it?
Likely because you were in a state of upset, angry, frustrated about whatever was going on and you didn’t have it in you to walk away before those things were said.
That still doesn’t mean that you meant what you said.
I don’t know the specific situation BUT I don’t need to know the specifics.
I am asking you these questions so that you can hold both of these truths side by side.
Your husband doing that, and you doing that.
What if he already gave his best answer – and you can stop asking for more?
He may not be able to come up with another version of his answer.
Here’s what I want you to sit with for a hot minute.
What would you want him to do differently?
And the answer can’t be – I just wish he wouldn’t have said it.
What would you want him to do differently now that it’s been said and done?
If he came up to you and said:
“Honey, or whatever you two call each other, I see this is still bothering you.
I am sorry that it happened.
How can I make it right by you?
What can I do to help make you feel better?”
Sit with that answer.
Figure out what it would be – and then offer that to your husband.
Because there may be a chance that what he offered wasn’t actually good enough for you.
That it didn’t land.
And certainly, if he keeps offering what you perceive as “excuses” – then you definitely didn’t get what you needed from him in that situation.
Give that some thought, and once you come up with the answer, go share that answer with him.
Here’s the beaty of that.
Once you will be able to deliver that, you will both be able to let it go and bury it.
Where it doesn’t come up.
In my experience, oftentimes when something keeps popping it’s head up from the ground after you’ve supposedly buried it, it just means that you didn’t get what you actually needed from him in the first place.
It’s that there is something missing.
One of the most common mistakes when we mess up is we want to hurry it along.
We don’t have the patience for our wife, for our husband, to process it, to do their work in order to let it go.
And feel real healing.
We get annoyed, we get impatient, we get frustrated that it’s still something that keeps coming up for them, and they drag us back into it.
Infidelity is the most obvious of the examples – where the misaligned timeline is the most obvious – but the same principles apply with smaller, more subtle mistakes we make.
The worst thing you can do, as the one who messed up – is to be impatient.
Is to try to avoid it.
Is to try to push through it, and make your spouse be on a timeline they aren’t ready to be on.
And instead of holding them, figuratively or literally, in your arms and re-iterating your remorse, you offer more excuses, wanting them to ‘just get over it’.
Now, if it’s been three years since he’s said something to you and it still keeps coming up for both of you – that’s one thing.
If we are talking about something that’s recent, and still a fresh wound –
The best thing you can do is offer understanding.
Offer love, offer compassion.
Tell them you are sorry – That you said what you said.
And that you are sorry that you created this thing where they are still having a hard time with it.
That you wish you wouldn’t have ever said that in the first place.
That you created this situation to begin with.
Remind them that you love them.
Tell them that you are here for them.
Remind them that you know you were wrong.
That you shouldn’t have done that – said that.
Hold them in your arms – don’t argue, don’t try to make it go away.
Let them take their time.
And – whatever you do – Don’t get mad at her.
Or if you do, make sure she knows that you are mad at yourself for ever having done it.
That the frustration comes from that.
Now, if you do all these things – Both of you – and you clean this up for real, you answer those questions, for yourself and your husband does too —
You say it keeps coming up.
When does it keep coming up? What is it that brings it up for you?
My guess is – when you take the above steps – it will come up less often, the intensity will lessen and you will, even when it does come up, be able to walk each other through it better.
Once he does what he needs to do, I want you to remind yourself of what you know.
When your brain offers that same story, remind yourself:
“I know he loves me.
He’s told me he feels remorse, that he feels bad.
I know he didn’t mean it.
We cleaned this up, remember?
No need to go down this route anymore.
This man loves me.
And I trust that.”
Literally, put that on repeat in your brain – to offer yourself something else – the other other side of the story, so to speak.
You re-direct your brain.
In the same way that you walk your toddler away from the cliff and back to the playground.
Notice I am not saying to argue with your brain to say – That never happened, why are you still upset about it, why can’t you get over it.
Don’t give yourself another beatdown.
None of that.
Just walk yourself back to the place where you know and trust his love.
And if want to be in his arms, go ask him for that.
If there’s something he can say in the moment – Walk over to him and ask – Sweetheart, I’m having one of those days, one of those moments.
And then hear him say: “I’m sorry. You know I love you. Come here.”
And allow for that to sink in.
You rest in that, and wait until it passes.
Give it the time it requires.
You accept the kiss that he offers.
You accept the hug.
And it doesn’t have to be perfect as far as execution – but you both do the best you can, and you’ll be well on your way.
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