Sometimes I remind THEM.
My clients, that is.
Sometimes THEY remind ME – OR they remind EACH OTHER in front of ME.
It happened again two days ago.
The intensity with which he said it:
“I know – It’s supposed to be this way.”
Though –
And this is the tricky piece –
We don’t like it.
As in, reaaaaaaally don’t like it – sometimes anyway.
More often than not – we actually kind of despise it.
Because, well, it’s uncomfortable and we prefer comfort.
Let me take you back to the beginning.
It came up as this couple was reflecting on the last week of their interactions.
“It’s supposed to be this way.”
Even though it seems to be complicating things from time to time —
We are supposed to be doing this – have differing view points.
Opinions that don’t exactly align.
Moments where we don’t see things exactly the same way.
Moments like that then lead into a ‘discussion’ or a fight or a misunderstanding.
We end up having to talk about it.
Some people use the C word.
(Communicate, you know…)
But that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.
If you think about it – Yeah, we are not supposed to agree on everything.
What’s the alternative?
And is the alternative even possible, the way that I slice it?
And the answer is –
It’s not.
Because the alternative would be – you DO align on ALL the things.
You do see eye to eye about everything.
Literally EVERYTHING.
As in, you have no reason to argue about anything, or “have a discussion” about anything, ever.
Not only would that become really boring real quick –
But also –
The only way to make that possible would be in one of these two scenarios:
One of you remains you.
That’s fine.
And the other one of you becomes an ever-so-faithful, over-the-top people pleaser who just agrees with literally everything and anything your spouse says and wants to do.
Which in the end, would turn out unreal, unrealistic & fake.
COMPLETELY made up.
Not only does no-one want to actually be a willing participant in that – (and I would venture out to say that it’d be the case on either side of that scenario) –
But it’s not happening.
Talk about unhealthy or dysfunctional.
This would take it to a whole new level.
Plus, it would -the whole thing – Would be a LIE.
And also – none of us wants to be married to a ragdoll.
So – never mind that.
Now, as for our other option, it would mean that I – that we – would be able to create somehow an exact replica of who we are.
That way all our preferences, our wants, our dislikes, our desires, our opinions, our emotional responses – our timing, – would be on the same page.
All the time.
Every time.
But the only way to accomplish that – without it getting out of control weird really fast – is to make a clone.
Of you, of me, of all us married folks out there.
Or half anyway, right?
And that’s also not happening any time soon.
But it’s for the better.
Because if that were an option, we wouldn’t want that.
We picked the person that we are with NOT because they were almost like us.
Or, almost exactly like us.
They were different.
Exciting.
Unique.
And we loved that about them.
We had reason to love it – to love them.
So, it’s really supposed to be this way.
Where you are you.
And your spouse is your spouse.
There is a way to make peace with it.
Think toddler in a crib not wanting to take their nap.
Kicking and screaming isn’t going to make any of it any easier.
And they are exhausted and in need of said nap – Us, parents, know this.
It would be so much easier if they just relaxed with their little wubby, and snoozed off.
And that’s what available for all of us.
Settling in with the reality of that truth and seeing the benefits rather than how it’s kicking us in the pants in the middle of that cycle.
It’s supposed to be this way.
Disconnects are normal.
The in-between stage of that disconnect – yeah, it’s not pleasant.
It’s like that tired-out baby between awake and asleep.
But – We’re supposed to have confrontations and conflict.
Differences of opinion.
Nonetheless — And here comes the BIG BUT —
So long as you remember this truth AND know how to deal with those –
It’s really no problem at all.
This truth about your marriage — It becomes a non-issue.
And that, my friends, is the good news.
So, there IS good news after all.
And none of you are exempt.
