Someone will say to me:
“But I don’t have this problem with ANYONE else in my life.
Nobody at work ever complains that I am hard to talk to.
I’m a great communicator.
I do the best presentations, I know how to talk in meetings.
Certainly, I know how to speak up, and chime in when it’s decision time.
My family’s NEVER said anything like this to me.
My friends – oh my gosh – my friends love me – and they would tell you:
I am a great listener, I am clear when I speak, I am there for them, I show up, I do all the things.
I am the friend EVERYONE wants and is jealous of the other people for having.
You get me?”
“Literally, nobody’s ever complained.
So I KNOW that I’m not doing anything wrong.
I don’t know what his deal is.
HE has to learn – HE needs to communicate.
He is the one that needs to figure this out.
And by golly, he needs to stop telling ME that *I* need to communicate better.”
Alright – Now –
Don’t be mistaken, I don’t just hear this from the wives.
I have plenty of husbands who tell me their iteration of this story.
Essentially, the same thing.
How they are so great at work, how everything goes smoothly always, how they don’t ever have a problem going out to beer with their buddies and having a good ol’ time.
Nobody says: “Oh my, you are a terrible communicator.”
And so we convince ourselves that there’s no way we have a problem.
There is NO issue on our end.
So, back to apples & oranges.
You and your spouse are NOT business partners.
Well, unless you are – in which case then you are both – Business partners AND marriage partners.
And then you need to navigate BOTH and differentiate between the two.
[And because this is no small feat, most people will tell me they cannot work together in the same business (or for the same company).]
The rules that apply to business communication – don’t necessarily apply when you are having a conversation with your wife or your husband on a random Wednesday night.
If you are coworkers only, you’re not going home together.
You’re not sleeping together in the same bed. (I mean, well – most people aren’t.)
You aren’t woken up by the other person snoring five times during the course of six hours.
You’re not making a mess around the sink while brushing your teeth late at night, for what seems like the 100th time this month.
You’re not needing to navigate dishes or laundry or kids or travel plans or airports together as a troop.
You have a different kind of relationship.
If you work together – the communication changes.
As spouses, the communication – the listening – changes.
They are fundamentally different.
The impact’s on a completely different level.
It goes deep.
It knows how to get under our skin in a way that no boss’ conclusion at the end of a quarter ever does – good or bad.
The expectations are different.
So are the needs.
And the fallout.
Like I was saying – APPLES and ORANGES.
So you might very well be REALLY good at communicating in your field of expertise while you are at work – and that says nothing about how you are able (or unable) to manage the conversations once you take your ‘work hat’ off for the night.
Same thing happens with family and friends.
The way we show up for family, the conversations that are held over the Thanksgiving meal – most often don’t go deep.
The chances that you are going to have to show up ‘without a mask’ and be real with your brother or sister in law, while you talk money and how it’s running out or ruining you one way or another, or how to best raise your kids and all the rules that they’ve been breaking and how maddening all that is – showing your family your actual heartbreak or excitement – either way – not likely to happen.
Most often, it’s a superficial conversation.
We keep it where it’s safe.
For good reason.
Plus, you can bow out at any moment if you need to if the situation requires it or the conversation morphs into one of those subjects that you all know you shouldn’t be talking about.
So, your ability to participate in said superficial conversation – isn’t that hard most of the time.
As a result, nobody would ever complain.
Nobody would ever voice their concern about you not knowing how to ‘raise your hand’ in a way that you learned during that marriage seminar that you seem to be forgetting.
Or offer an actual apology, without breaking all the rules.
Now, picture that same conversation with your husband.
With your wife.
You not sleeping at night because your kids have been sneaking into your bed at 3am, seven days a week, feeling like you want to pulling your hair.
The two of you making long-term financial decisions that will impact the rest of your lives – that’s weighty.
Needing to find common ground when it comes to the family’s eating habits, or phone rules or what ever else you need to discuss –
They land differently.
There is more pressure.
Because you actually need to make decisions.
You can’t just let it simmer until the next Christmas meal together because, well, you can’t.
We don’t have that luxury.
Your lives depend on it.
Now, same story with your friends.
They don’t ever need to (most of them anyway) call you out on being late – because they just tolerate it.
No need to point out what you are doing in a disrespectful way as you’re telling your story because – they are there, for YOU.
They are there, to take YOUR side.
More often than not – no conflict is actually happening.
So of course – you have zero hard times sharing, showing up, and laughing (or crying) about all of life together.
Do you see what I mean?
Apples and oranges.
And I am even arguing with you about you NOT being a good communicator with your coworkers, boss, your parents or your friends.
You might very well be.
But it still is a different kind of conversation.
It’s different skills that you are using.
And different ones you are using when you talk with the one you picked.
With the one you married.
The one you love.
So, next time that you hear yourself saying those words out loud –
“I don’t have a problem anywhere else with communication” –
I invite you to come back to this to remind yourself.
Remember it’s apples and oranges.
And get help for your marriage and the communication that happens there if that’s what it needs.
