What I realized when our daughter asked me one simple question:

“Why are you cleaning SO MUCH??”

So she asked me this question as I am frantically trying to clean the bathroom, the hardwood floors, and carpeted areas of the home, all prior to some family coming over.

People that have never seen our home before.

It’s simple, really – I wanted to make a good impression.

Doesn’t everyone?

Right.

But –

Doing Cleanup in Secret at our House – Here’s What I Realized

I had this realization that my cleaning when they (our kids) aren’t home, my picking up when they don’t see me do it, including my deep-cleaning when they are at school or at soccer or wherever else —

Made her never see me doing it so she was surprised why I was cleaning THIS MUCH.

This much, on this particular day.

When the reality is – I do this sort of stuff all the time, but they are never there to see it.

I was stunned, BUT —

She was right.

The lesson from that part of it:

Hiding when/how/that I deep clean our home and/or doing the cleanup in secret all of the time isn’t serving anyone.

And she can’t and isn’t learning anything.

Really, neither of our kids are.

They aren’t learning or seeing how a task is done, how often to clean a particular part of the house, what product you use for what – Any of that.

Including how long a task should take.

My Why – Legit Reasons

Now, there’s a part of it that makes sense to me.

I decided this on purpose for a reason.

I would clean specifically when they weren’t home so that I could do it in peace.

In part, when they were younger, because – as the saying goes – I didn’t want to be doing the equivalent of ‘brushing my teeth while eating Oreos’ – You know that one, right? 🙂

Plus, I preferred doing other things when they were home.

Engaging with them.

Doing music together.

Playing a game.

Helping them with homework.

Going on a walk around the neighborhood.

Making a meal together.

I didn’t want this – the cleaning – to be the thing that stood between me and them spending time together.

But even though I made that decision on purpose – there was a cost to it that I now came to see and realize.

So yes, there were good reason FOR IT and also, in some ways, it was to their detriment.

How This Applies to Your Marriage – How Doing Cleanup in Secret Doesn’t Always Work

The same thing is true for what you and your spouse do together when it comes to one key element:

The conversations you have with one another.

How you deal with the disagreements when those come up.

Arguments, even.

The same thing happens when you ALWAYS have them in the backroom.

All the times that you go in the garage, or outside of your home altogether to work your way through a disagreement, your kids aren’t able to ever see how it’s done.

They aren’t ever aware that you two, while you love one another, also sometimes disagree with one another.

They don’t ever see that particular ‘cleanup’.

How you two walk through that, where they get to see a little of the BEFORE, and then – most importantly – a little bit or a lot of the AFTER –

The after that includes you making up.

But even – depending on their age – a little bit of the THROUGH.

But mostly, the after, that is:

You two, making that decision together and feeling good about it.

The after of you two being on the same page again.

The after of you two hugging one another and smiling before you walk away to do the next thing that’s on the agenda for the day.

THIS – I’m NOT Saying

Now, don’t hear me say that I’m for the two of you yelling in front of your kids.

‘Cause I’m not.

I would never advise anyone yelling at anyone unless the house is on fire and you’re trying to get all the humans out to safety, making sure that they can hear you.

I’m also not saying that your kids should be there for all the conversations that you two have and be privy of everything.

That’s not it either.

I just want it not to be a surprise to your children that certain kinds of conversations happen between the two of you and that you know how to walk one another through them.

That you know what you are doing.

That you know how to find harmony again.

Together.

And be good with one another afterwards.

And then moving on with your day from THAT place rather than skipping it altogether or making each other believe that somehow, again, surely, IT WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

PS: If you two don’t know how to do that OR have never been able to do it well and would like help with that, that’s what I do.

Schedule an Initial Phone Consultation here, one for each one of you, and we’ll get the ball rolling.