Here’s the real deal.
It turns out that sometimes, even when you do all the things the way that you’re supposed to, the way that I tell my couples to do them, it still doesn’t always work out the way that you think it should.
Things still sometimes don’t turn out the way that you’d hoped that they would.
Even when you do the thing verbatim that I tell my couples to do:
Send the message, let the people know, let your family members know, say out loud what you need—sometimes all of that still falls flat.
Because half of your family doesn’t see the message, the other half happens to be doing laundry and dishes and whatever else, or taking a long shower or bath themselves, and don’t see that you are going to need to have some time and take a bath for you.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, it just is what it is, and it’s not the greatest.
That still doesn’t mean that the advice is bad.
That still doesn’t mean that the thing that you need to do—and you know that you need to do—is letting your family know ahead of time, right?
Like I did last week one day when I said, “I’ve had a crummy day, this is how I’m feeling, I’m gonna be crabby when I walk in, this is what hurts.
My back is out of sorts.”
Even still, when it doesn’t work out that one day, once a month or once every other week or whatever—however often you do this—that doesn’t mean that the protocol is wrong.
So keep doing the thing.
Because 90, 95, even 85% of the time, it works out the way that it needs to.
Even if it’s 75%, right?
Three out of four times, if it works out the way that it needs to, I think those are great numbers.
And it’s still worth it.
For both me and you, the work is still worth doing.
That’s the real deal.
I hope this is a useful reminder for you on this cold Monday night.
Just know that we’re in this together, alright?
For all of us married couples out there.
Here’s a piece of Marriage Advice for the New Year:
This particular piece of marriage advice, presented to you by – drumroll please – our oldest.
A friendly reminder as you enter the new year.
And it made me think immediately of that show – Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Remember that one?
IS that show still even around?
I don’t even know.
Somebody let me know in the comments.
So here’s my version of that:
Are you smarter than a 15 year old?
I was driving her to movie theater with a friend, asking what time she needs to be picked up.
Without prompting she says to me:
Yeah, we’ll see the movie and then we’ll walk around the mall for a while ’cause, you know, movies are great and all, but you can’t talk during them.
Well, you sholdn’t anyway – so we’re gonna do that after.
As you plan all your date nights for this year —
REMEMBER THIS SIMLE RULE.
Don’t make every single date one of those events where you are together, but all you do you stare in the same direction.
No real conversation is happening.
No real connection.
Plan accordingly.
Take it from our daughter.
That’s how how you put forced marital fun (also known as FMF) on Autopilot in Your Marriage.
No, I didn’t coin that term – a couple that I saw a few years back did and said I could use it going forward.
Instead of having these moments over and over again – where you end up hitting the panic mode button- because you’re in this situation again – we have an event to go to and nobody to stay with the kids.
Or we just want to go out and have some time alone together – and nobody lined up for the kids.
Find a teenager, college kid, a neighbor – tell them you are interested in doing this
I wouldn’t recommend going less than once a month – but – for some of you that have completely stopped doing this for YEARS, once a month can be a nice starting point to get back to that.
You put it on repeat on your schedule, have them put it on repeat on theirs and you’re set.
That’s how.
That’s how you put Forced Marital Fun back on the calendar.
Make this part of your New Year’s Marriage Advice that you take to heart.
When you tell me that your marriage is not where you want it to be – not even a little – so I ask: Did you tell her good morning?
Did you notice she cleaned the kitchen or made breakfast for the kids and you and say thank you?
Bring her coffee while she was getting ready for the day?
Did you hold her hand?
Tell her I love you?
Did you two go on a walk together?
Call her in the middle of the day and make plans for tonight?
When you both got home, did you talk to her about things that have nothing to do with the schedule or logistics?
Did you ask her how she was, really?
And then – Did you listen to the answer?
Did you support her in her dreams?
No? None of those things?
That’s what I say when you tell me that. When you tell me that…
