So many married couples ask me this question all the time.
Scheduling intimacy.
IS that what we have to resort to?
Is scheduling intimacy?
Putting sex on the calendar and using some sort of code word or phrase so that in case our kids get a hold of that, they won’t know?
Is this what it’s come to?
To which I say: Why Not?
If you have a busy life, and you do, balancing all these hundred balls in the air – What’s the problem with that?
It’s no different than you scheduling date night on Friday nights – OR scheduling Orchestra Hall or scheduling a play you want to go see downtown.
That way both of you know:
I can’t say yes to an extra book club/wine get together with the girls, and he can’t go play poker with the guys again.
It tells both of us AND the world -that we’re busy.
So schedule away.
And It’s saying to each other – I am making that time,
I’m setting that time aside for my husband.
For my wife.
It’s exactly the same thing.
More on that tomorrow.
What would it be like?
I got a gift the other day.
Isn’t it gorgeous?
Look at this thing.
From the same couple that walked in after the holidays, the first words out of their mouth were, “Thank you for a wonderful Christmas”.
“We had a lovely time.”
It’s huge, it’s gorgeous, look at this thing.
What would it be like for you to be able to say that next year.
With or without this, like you don’t even need to bring me anything.
No, I’m not letting my 5 year old drive the car.
Absolutely not.
What if I told you that you’re actually unknowingly letting that happen- letting your kindergartener take the spot behind the wheel?
That you accidentally forget who is who – meaning that you’re the parent and they are the child – and not the other way around.
When your kid says they don’t want to eat the vegetables on their plate, and you listen – meaning you hand them the slice of cheese pizza anyway -for the 5th time this week – even though you just said – You’re NOT having anything else.
When your kid says they don’t want to go to a particular school next year, and you listen and withdraw the application even though you’re convinced that it’s the best school around.
You give in anyway because you don’t want to see your kid upset.
When your kid says – they won’t put their coat on to go sledding when it’s 0’F, and you let them even though you know nothing good can come from that.
Or they say they don’t want to keep learning a foreign language, even though you know they are really good at it and it’s gonna serve them EVERYwhere they go– and you say ok.
Without realizing it – That’s the equivalent of putting them behind the wheel of your car and letting them try to get out of your driveway.
That’d be outrageous.
Everybody would say what are you doing?
Next time they are trying to talk you into something – or out of something – remember
It’s not their place.
Arghhhhh – Are you a husband that’s still getting affection all wrong even though you’ve been married for a long time?
And I’m talking about when it comes to affection and your wife?
Here’s the PSA, said with love:–
When your wife says she wants more affection (or misses affection from you) This is what she means.
For those of you engineers – I do have a formula – more on that later.
When your wife says she misses affection or that she wants more affection from you here is what she really means.
She wants you to hold her.
Not touch her boobs, not grab her behind, or have your hands ‘accidentally’ slide down there.
Also, not kiss her behind the ear like you do during foreplay.
Not press her front or her back against your front in a way they do in the movies, again – foreplay style.
She wants to be held – not sexually.
Your wife wants to be hugged.
She wants you to kiss her – yes, on the forehead, on the cheek, on the top of her head as you randomly walk by.
Your wife wants you to let rest her head on your shoulder while you’re doing something together.
She wants you to put your hands around her waist as you pull her in for said hug.
Yeah – She wants you to put your hand at the back of her neck or her head, holding her up, playing with her hair maybe even while you’re watching something together.
All of these things – Here’s how you know you’re doing it right.
In any of these situations, or your own attempts at affection, It wouldn’t ever be questionable whether this is– for HER — or for YOU.
There.
I said it.
That’s the formula I promised.
Just ask yourself that question if you want to make sure that you nail it –
And start being generous, today.
Are you making this mistake in your marriage, leading to dissatisfaction on both yours and your wife’s part?
On one hand, you tell me you want a great marriage.
On the other hand all the while you’re acting like a famer who is looking out at his fields, September, October time frame– disappointed not to see anything worth harvesting – and coming home empty handed – only to realize why.
The farmer next door tells him, finally – asking him all the right questions.
You haven’t used the fertilizer.
You haven’t refreshed the soil – whatever the proper agricultural term for that is.
OH, you haven’t watered, oh just once or twice.
You haven’t weeded at all but once all season.
You haven’t put down any seeds in the spring.
Hm.
Makes sense that there’d be nothing to harvest- right?
It makes sense just the same in your marriage.
You’ve got to take care of your marriage, water it and all, all season long – if you want to “harvest” a great marriage in the end and have it be plentiful.
Have it be connecting.
Have you two be close.
Same principle applies and it’s a very predictable formula.
You can get yourselves out of the rut by doing this.
That is how you get to more Intimacy and Closeness in Marriage.
