Here’s a marriage hack you might not have heard before…
Count your WINS in your marriage.
While I was recently out of the country, my husband—who I left behind with the kids—sent me this quick update:
“The kids are still alive, the house is still standing,
I didn’t run out of gas today.
The credit card still works,
and the kids made it to school on time.”
And you know what?
That’s a win.
Because the truth is—they don’t have to be massive successes for you to recognize them as wins.
All those little things you see your spouse do…
When was the last time you actually noticed them— and said something?
Because small wins add up to a strong marriage.
So… when was the last time you counted yours?
Here’s number one: giving your undivided attention in a moment when someone is talking to you.
Be that your partner or anyone else, put down your phone.
Stop typing on your computer.
Give them your undivided attention.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Where your attention goes, energy flows.”
Nothing—absolutely nothing—feels better than someone giving us their undivided attention.
In this time in our world, when there are so many things distracting us, when someone is asking for our attention, it feels so good when we give it to them fully.
When we look them in the eye.
When we don’t allow something else to distract us.
You know how good it feels when someone does it for you.
I know I do. You could start doing it for other people. And start with your spouse.
THAT is one of the top tips for having successful, effective, connected relationships. You can there, today.
I can’t believe nobody’s talking about this.
Here’s a marriage hack that will save you a lot of heartache both in the short term and in the long run.
When your brain offers you all these unhelpful thoughts about your marriage – You can tell your brain it’s wrong.
Did you know that?
Did you know that that’s an option even?
You don’t have to believe it.
You don’t have to take in as if it were the news.
You can save yourself a whole lot of time, patience and pain.
Ask me how I know.
This is why you don’t just do it once.
You don’t just do it the first year of marriage.
You keep doing it.
It’s when this kind of stuff disappears from your marriage — that’s what causes the problems later.
Married couples come to my office at the seven-year mark or the 25-year mark and tell me this went out the door first.
It’s the death by a thousand cuts.
That’s exactly why you don’t ever stop.
And also why habit number two for a successful relationship: say thank you out loud — often.
It’s easy to think, “Well, of course I appreciate them.”
But if you never say it, how would they know?
Appreciation only counts when it’s expressed.
So when your spouse does something kind, does something helpful, does something thoughtful — say it.
“Thanks for taking care of that errand. I know how much you hate running to Costco.”
“I love that you made coffee this morning.”
“Hey, who finished the laundry? You? Thank you for doing that.”
Small moments, spoken out loud — that’s how you build connection.
Because spoken appreciation, those words that you say, they build safety, trust, and love.
It’s when those words dissipate that the problems start appearing.
I would know — I hear it every week in my office.
You may think that they know that you’re grateful.
But hearing it? It hits.
Here’s Habit #3 for successful relationships: assume the best—before you jump to the worst.
Your husband forgot to text back?
Maybe they were slammed at work.
They sounded short when they picked up?
They might be tired, and not mad at you at all.
It might have nothing to do with you at all.
It’s easy to create a story in your head.
I would know.
I am a top-tier storyteller in my head.
Ask my husband if you must.
But assuming the worst hurts your connection.
So, assume the best.
Ask questions.
Don’t start the conversation with accusations.
If you ever wanted to know—that’s how trust grows.
Conflict.
If you’ve never heard anybody say this: conflict in long-term relationships is normal.
But letting disconnection linger or go on for too long — that is what breaks closeness.
So, learn how to repair fast, even before you’re 100% ready.
That’s what healthy couples do.
That’s what habit number four for successful relationships sums up for us.
After conflict, repair quickly.
It’s for a reason that they say it’s not that you don’t fall on your face — right?
Both in business, in sports, in life, and in marriage.
But it’s how quickly you’re able to recover.
That’s what multiplies your success rate.
That’s what makes you faster than the next person.
Now, not everything needs a perfect resolution.
But everything needs a moment of reconnection.
So say, “Hey, I don’t want this to come between the two of us. I don’t want this to ruin our entire day.”
Or, “I know that got intense, or loud, or uncomfortable. I still love you.”
But most importantly, it reminds the two of you — we actually like each other.
So send the meme, but it’s got to be funny.
Make the joke.
Watch something ridiculous together.
All right — go laugh with your person on purpose.
I want the neighbors or your kids to hear you, and they’ll come running in wanting to know what is happening over here.
That is how you’re going to know that you’re doing it right.
That is why I highly recommend this to my couples — and to you.
My habit number five for a strong relationship: laugh together on purpose.
Life is heavy.
And marriage can feel like work sometimes.
Tell me I’m wrong.
But the couples who create the space and the time to laugh together — even for a few minutes every day — they create connection.
They create joy and safety.
Laughter lowers tension also.
But that, you already knew.
