Here’s my rule of thumb for hard conversations in marriage.
If you know you need to have it, the fact that it’s hard is not a reason to avoid it.
Avoiding that conversation will always cost you more than having it—emotionally, relationally, and long-term.
In the moment, so have the talk.
Even if it’s hard.
Especially if it’s hard.
Just my two cents.
For background music, this is what we got.
They have a helper.
The million dollar question in marriage:
Does constructive criticism belong?
According to Google, it means feedback with specific, helpful suggestions to improve behavior.
Not personal attacks, and meant to be positive.
So here’s my answer, part one:
If you can follow all those rules in your marriage, sure—offer constructive feedback.
But here’s what I’ve seen after 12 years working with couples and 18 years in my own marriage:
Most people don’t respond well to the term constructive criticism.
Why?
Because it was made for the workplace, and not your marriage.
So unless one of you is your spouse’s boss—like legit—just don’t start the conversation with that phrase.
Trust me on this one.
Here’s habit number eight for a strong relationship:
Know when it’s your stuff.
Not every reaction belongs to your spouse.
Sometimes it’s stress.
Or sometimes it’s an old wound.
Sometimes it’s just you and I having a bad day.
Why does it matter?
Because when you pause and you ask the question, “Is this about them, or is it about me?” you can stop unnecessary conflict from happening.
And you show up from a place of emotional maturity.
So take the pause.
And know when it’s yours.
Remember when we went to that Mediterranean restaurant?
We had decided then that for Mother’s Day this year, that’s what we’re going to do.
We’re going to cater it.
I’m not going to cook.
And I don’t want to clean.
I don’t want to have to think about it.
And I don’t want to have any of that mental load on my brain.
Trying to figure out what we’re going to do.
Where we’re going to go eat.
Who cooks.
What we’re going to get.
We’re going to get it catered.
Oh, and I’m going to invite the mother-in-law so she doesn’t have to worry about it.
I’m going to invite the sister-in-law.
And the other sister-in-law.
So then none of us moms have to worry about it.
We’re just going to come and eat and be merry.
My husband always gets it at his work, and he sends me pictures when they get it for their work events.
And I’m always jealous.
So we’re going to do it for Mother’s Day.
Feel free to borrow that idea.
It’s brilliant.
We have a rule in our family that when we’re picking somebody up, they shouldn’t have to wait.
I just went to get the kid.
She had a track meet all the way up in Fargo.
Okay, not all the way up in Fargo, but an hour north of the Twin Cities.
So she’s coming home at 10:15 or 10:25 on a school night.
I know, right?
But we have a rule that says the person that’s traveling—or the person that’s coming back—shouldn’t have to wait for the person that’s coming to pick them up.
Right?
We’ve done the transatlantic trips many a time, and the last thing I want to do once I’ve gotten off the plane is wait for the person who’s coming to get us.
Right?
Like, you’re exhausted.
All you want to do is get a shower, get a home-cooked meal, or just go to bed.
Depending on the time of day.
Or depending on how long the day has been.
How many hours you’ve been awake by that time.
So that’s what we do.
We make sure that we’re there so that the other person—that’s coming home and coming back from the thing—doesn’t have to wait for us.
Tell me what you do in your family with your spouse that’s a rule.
One that’s non-negotiable.
One that everybody knows about by now because you’ve done it so many times.
I want to hear about it in the comments.
I’m going to read every single one.
Here are three things that I would never do as a marriage expert in my marriage and life.
Knowing what I know.
Having seen what I’ve seen over the 12 years working in my private practice.
Number one: I would never give my number to someone who’s clearly into me.
Whether it’s a flirty stranger while I am out and about, or I run into somebody from my past life.
No matter how quote unquote innocent it seems, it’s a no.
I just had this happen to me.
I went to an event and I gave my number to someone before I realized what was going on—why he was asking.
And then I went back and said, “I’m really sorry. I can’t do this. I’m not interested. I’m married. Did you not know this?”
So yeah.
I don’t play with fire when I’m not trying to get burned.
Number two: I would never take my ring off purposely before I head out with my girlfriends for a night out, or before going out with my colleagues or my friends.
The ring stays on.
I believe it stands for something.
And I believe in the thing that it stands for.
So that’s another no.
Number three: I would never, ever date a man who’s in the process of getting divorced.
I wouldn’t care if it’s two weeks from being final.
One week.
Or even a day.
I would not jump in that pool until it was all clear and official.
Come find me when you’re all done, and when you’ve completely recovered.
I wouldn’t want to do anything with anyone while you’re sort of still tethered to somebody else.
Not happening.
