Despite what you heard growing up, you’re not too much.
You are not a burden.
You just have needs, just like everyone else walking on this planet.
So say what you need.
Say it clearly.
Say it kindly.
But don’t keep it inside.
Why?
Because silence like that — that’s what builds resentment.
But honest words from one spouse to another — an honest ask — that’s what can build the connection that you’ve been craving.
That is why I say, here’s habit number 12 for a strong marriage:
Say what you need, and say it without guilt.
I just had a couple leave, and this was too good not to share.
And I’ve said this to people I don’t know how many times by now, but here it is again.
Anytime that you’re tempted to tell yourselves that “we have to change, we have to be different people,” it’s actually not true.
You don’t have to be different people.
You don’t have to become different people.
More often than not, you just have to start behaving differently.
Did you catch that?
You don’t need to be different people.
But you do need to start behaving differently.
Tell me you’re married to an engineer without saying you’re married to an engineer.
I’ll go first.
Mine explained to me why you can’t just do the random whatever — that you have to hold it, hold the pasta, when you break it in half, like right here.
Otherwise, it goes everywhere, and it’s a colossal mess.
Does anybody, at the sight of this, think of that game that we used to play where you have to, like, pick out a stick without dropping the rest of them?
What was that game called?
Somebody help me out.
Whatever happened to that game?
Is that still around?
Happy couples don’t avoid fights.
They just know how to come back after.
Here’s what they do.
They reconnect.
And they do it fast.
Not with a perfect apology, but with something like, “Hey, I still love you, even if we’re off right now.”
Repair doesn’t mean resolution.
Not always, and not necessarily.
It does mean connection after conflict.
So don’t wait for perfect.
Just initiate the repair.
That’s the win.
Tell me the last time that you lost your ever-loving mind with one of your kids.
And you yelled at them.
You called them a name, or you called them lazy, or you said whatever to them.
Chances are you went back and found them and said, “Hey, I’ve got to own this.
I’m really sorry.
I shouldn’t have said it that way.
I shouldn’t have yelled at you.
The thing that I needed to say, I needed to say — but there were a hundred other ways to say it, and I was not in a place to do it.
Will you forgive me?
I’m sorry.
Like, I’m your mom.
I love you.
I don’t think you’re lazy.
And I don’t think you’re a bum.
I don’t think you’re whatever I called you,” right?
The reason that we do this — the reason that you do it with your spouse, in front of them — is so that they see the moving from, “Here’s the one place,” and then, “Here’s where we come back together again.”
And this is what that looks like.
That needs to be included.
Because if they don’t learn that at home — guess what — there’s nowhere else that they’re going to learn this at.
So that’s your invitation, and mine.
The reason that I want you to do repair work in front of your kids and with your kids is so that they can see what happens between, “Here was the blow-up — they yelled at each other, it got nasty, it got loud — and then they each went into their own separate corners of the house.”
If you don’t do the repair in front of them, they don’t ever learn how to do it.
Most popular marriage advice — it sounds great, but it backfires often.
Go on date nights.
Use and get the love languages right.
Communicate more, right?
That’s all good.
But here’s the catch.
If the foundation is shaky, none of that’s going to stick.
You need truth.
You need repair.
And You need safety first.
We can’t just throw tips at a wounded connection, right?
Do the healing first.
Then build.
The emotion that silently kills connection in a marriage — it’s not anger.
It’s not frustration.
And It’s not even jealousy.
It’s resentment.
It creeps in when you don’t speak up.
When you keep score.
When you fake fine.
Resentment turns lovers into roommates.
Ask me how I know.
And it builds fast when we stay silent.
So if something is off, say it.
Say it early.
Say it cleanly.
But say it anyway — before it grows roots.
