Sometimes couples will come in and say, “We want to have better conflict resolution.”
But they haven’t had a real conversation since that emotional affair a few years back.
Here’s the thing: you can’t work on the symptom and not look at the source.
Not look at what’s underneath it.
Hard conversations—they are not optional.
They’re the doorway to healing.
Let that sink in.
The best marriages I know—they’re not perfect.
They just don’t give up.
And they just don’t quit.
They come back after arguments.
They check in when it’s awkward.
Or they hold hands even when they don’t feel in love.
It’s not about having perfect communication, perfect sex, or perfect anything, for that matter.
It’s about showing up again and again.
Even when it gets messy.
Even when it’s inconvenient.
And even when you’re tired.
And heck, we’ve been so tired lately.
All of us, across the board.
If you want more of this, watch the related video.
You know how you know that you’ve been married to your spouse for a long time?
You start doing the thing that they do.
And you look up every time you hear a tiny plane in the air because that’s what your husband does.
What do you do that you started only because your spouse was doing it?
Tell me how long it took.
How many years have you two been married?
And of course, I didn’t pull out my phone fast enough to actually record the aircraft in the air.
Oops.
In the air—because I’m slow.
So not just one.
Two.
Two flew by, and I didn’t catch either one of them.
Have you two talked about what you want to do when you retire?
I’m looking at the cloud.
I want to be looking at sunsets when we do that.
If you haven’t talked about that yet, start now.
The other thing I’m not going to hate is live music.
Like you would do on a Saturday night.
We just go, and we do.
I just had a couple in here.
They just walked out, and here’s what came up.
The healthiest couples I know—they don’t avoid conflict.
They just come back faster.
Does this hit a spot?
If you want the rest of the content, go check out my related.
Let me tell you what window washing has to do with your marriage.
When was the last time that you washed your windows?
A couple years?
Because you’ve been thinking it’s going to take forever.
It’s going to be a whole weekend.
It’s going to, you know, require buying machinery.
Twelve of your best friends to come and help.
‘Cause this is so not doable.
Here’s the thing—I just did ours.
We overestimate how long it’s going to take.
And we add so much dread to the thing that we postpone it.
And procrastinate on it some more.
Till they become so filthy that you’re like, I am legit embarrassed when other people come and look out those windows because they are so nasty.
You’re doing this in your marriage.
How do I know?
‘Cause you tell me.
People tell me this in my office.
You keep postponing.
Procrastinating on the thing that you need to talk about.
Or on the thing that you need to do.
Because you imagine it in your mind that it’s like 10x as bad.
Or 20x.
And you worry about the fallout.
You worry about what’s going to happen.
How it’s going to go.
What all you need to have.
Maybe you think you don’t have the tools.
And some of you legit don’t.
But when you come back to it, you realize—oh, this wasn’t actually that bad.
Like me and this monstrous conversation.
And we did it just on a walk.
Because we were in the right place at the right time.
And we got it over with.
So where are you doing that in your marriage?
Talk to your spouse.
Lean the proverbial windows in your marriage.
Because they’re not going to take that long.
I promise.
Before you take marriage advice from someone else, ask yourself these three things.
Number one: do they have the kind of marriage that you’d want?
And if not, why are you letting them shape yours?
Number two: have they ever fought for connection during their hard seasons?
Or did they just walk away?
It matters a lot.
And number three: are they rooting for your relationship?
Or are they just relating to your pain?
There’s a big difference.
You need people to believe in your future, not just believe your frustration.
So be picky with the people who get a voice in your marriage.
It could save your marriage.
And that is what I say to everyone.
