You’ve heard of the five love languages, I bet— even if you don’t know what they are exactly and couldn’t tell me what yours is or what your spouse’s are.
But you’ve heard that’s a thing with married couples, or couples in general even.
Yeah.
But have you ever heard of the six Ds of a healthy and connected marriage?
Desire is the first.
Decision is the last.
Can you name the rest of them?
Either way, these are the real ingredients that I have seen make the biggest difference after working with hundreds of couples in my private practice over the years.
Want to know how they show up in your marriage?
You just might discover the one thing that your marriage has been missing this whole time.
I have yet to have one couple come back and say, “That was not amazing.”
Here’s what it is.
Are you two off on vacation?
Are you almost there?
Let me give you one question to ask each other before you go that will change everything.
What is the one or two non-negotiable things that you would like to see happen for this to feel like a success for you?
I want you to answer it.
I want your spouse to answer it.
And then get together and make sure that those two things—or four things—happen before you pack up to come home.
You’re going to come home with fewer regrets and just memories that matter.
Here’s a quick tip for rebuilding trust.
This is where you start.
Be consistent with small actions.
Say the things that you’re going to do, and then do them when you say you’re going to do them.
Show up when you say you’re going to show up.
Be on time.
Tell the truth, even when it’s awkward.
Beat your spouse to having to ask about the thing that you know they’re suspicious about because of your actions.
Let’s not forget that all of this is happening because you somehow messed up.
You did something that broke your trust connection with your spouse.
So follow through on your promises.
Do the thing, even when it feels silly or stupid or whatever.
Trust is rebuilt in you keeping your word.
And you keeping and doing the thing over and over and over again until your spouse gets to rest in the knowing that you are doing whatever you say you are doing.
That you are where you say you are.
That you have the thing on your phone that you have.
Or you don’t have the thing on your phone anymore that you say you don’t have on your phone.
Keep that in mind.
Follow through on your promises.
This is how trust is rebuilt.
They need to see it over and over and over again.
Do you think you’re the only one struggling?
Let me tell you something.
Every couple hits rough patches.
You’re not alone.
What matters isn’t that you struggle.
It’s what you do next.
Struggling doesn’t mean that you’re failing.
Struggling means that you’re human.
And you get to keep going.
You get to choose each other.
He used to get defensive every time they fought.
It was always her fault—her tone, her timing, everything.
Until one day, he paused mid-argument and said, “Wait, this one’s on me.”
That sentence disarmed everything.
Walls came down.
Conversation opened up.
That was the moment that they stopped battling.
That was the moment that they stopped battling and started building.
Transformation is the moment that blame becomes ownership.
