If you make a conscious decision to not share something with your spouse—a particular worry or frustration—and as a result, they don’t respond to it, you cannot hold them liable for that decision of yours.
If they don’t ever find out because you never said anything, you cannot then be upset about it.
And if you don’t ever share, if you don’t ever bring it up, if you decide, “This is not worth my time,” you cannot hold it over their head.
You cannot keep them in the doghouse because there’s no way they can know.
You cannot punish them, or keep punishing them, for not knowing.
They can’t know.
They just simply can’t.
Who does that?
Who goes on vacation with their spouse just to fight the whole time, killing any love or affection there was?
Like who books a fancy dinner—Michelin stars and all—only to end up throwing the food in the garbage can right there in front of the chef?
They should call it a crime scene.
Who throws their money down the drain like this because they can’t figure out their marriage to make sure that this never happens again?
Wait, are you?
These are just two out of the ten, and they’re costing you.
There are eight more.
Eight more hidden costs just like this that most couples don’t even realize they’re accruing.
And it’s costing them—in money, energy, affection, love—all the things.
Are you committing the rest of them too?
Check out the attached video.
This has got to be one of the oldest rules in the book.
What you care for will do well, will do better.
Remember what I was working on a couple weeks ago?
Two weeks today—that big birthday party that we had in our family, the big 8.
I just took these, I rearranged this, I changed the water, I cut the ends off.
This is what they still look like.
Gorgeous as ever.
There’s less of them.
Some of them didn’t make it all this time.
But this is still a completely legit, beautiful bouquet of flowers that I can present on a table at my office for next week.
I know you’re going to say you want your marriage to last longer than two weeks.
Yes.
So, watering it and cutting off the ends will not bring you the same return on investment.
But hear me when I say: what you care for in your marriage—the person that you’re married to—will do well.
What you care for will survive, will last.
Just a thought for your Saturday night.
Here’s the other ones.
Way to go, Trader Joe’s.
I know.
I know that they can’t last you 30 years, or 50 for some, right?
I called 911.
And I just got to my office.
I drove by the spot where I witnessed an accident just a couple of days ago.
The first thought that I had—both cars ended up on the side of the road in positions and places where they shouldn’t have been.
My first thought was, “Oh my gosh, it was Wednesday night.”
Our kids were coming back from church, and I’m like, “I hope they’re home by now. I hope they’re nowhere close to this situation.”
And then I thought to myself—I really hope—my head went immediately to, “Oh, I bet it was a couple fighting,” right?
And one of them was like, “Oh, I missed my exit,” right?
Then went and took another car with them on the way all the way home.
It made me think about the number of times that I hear couples tell me that they end up fighting in the car.
On the road, right?
Going 50 miles an hour, 60 miles an hour, 65, 70, whatever.
And this goes all the way back to when I was 16, where I got hit by a car crossing a street.
The couple didn’t see me because they were fighting.
Also, all that aside—I was fine.
They took me to the hospital, did some tests.
I went home.
Took three days.
All the bruising went away.
But it makes me want to beg—whatever you do—for the love of all kids living, for the love of your kids, for the love of all the humans—please stop fighting behind the wheel.
I don’t know that that’s what happened in this situation.
I just want to ask—please stop fighting.
Ask for a timeout.
Pull over.
Stop talking to each other.
Somebody call a pause.
Somebody say it out loud: “This is not the time nor the place.”
If we cannot handle this, we should not be having this conversation in the car with one of you driving.
It’s not worth it.
Can we do this—for the love of all?
In one of my last sessions, we had this discussion come up.
How much is too much cheese to have in one’s refrigerator?
We kind of laughed it off for a little bit.
But then I came home and I was like, what do we have?
Anybody want to take a guess?
The number was nine.
Two kinds of shredded cheese.
Three kinds of sliced cheese.
And then four kinds of hard or other cheese—parmesan, feta, cream cheese, and then this thing that we use to make some desserts with.
Oh no, I forgot cheese sticks.
How can you forget cheese sticks?
Make that ten.
What is it in your household?
Do you guys ever—Is this a thing?
Why do you two need to put the kibosh on it and say, “Only this many impulse items for us when we go to Target, Costco, whatever”?
What do you two need to watch for?
Is it cheese?
Is it chips?
Or is it meats?
Desserts?
What?
Dying to know.
Let me know in the comments.
How much cheese is in your fridge?
Your marriage is not a dishwasher.
We don’t need it to be efficient.
One of my favorite lines from this new video I’m working on for Friday.
