You asked.
Of course, I can answer the question.
Is it better for the two of you both to be working on your relationship, working on your marriage?
Yes, absolutely.
But it doesn’t take both of you to do the work at the same time.
One of you is enough to start it.
Either one of you.
You can take turns.
You can do the whole rock, paper, scissor thing.
Do whatever you want.
You can just decide it matters to me enough that I’m willing to take the first step.
And it doesn’t matter to me that it’s the twelfth time in a row that I’m taking the first step.
You end up interrupting the cycle.
You end up breaking the dance.
It will not go unnoticed, and change will start happening.
I can promise you that.
So, you tell me that trust is really important, right?
But how do we—right?—trust isn’t some kind of abstract construct that we just put on a pedestal and look at.
Or we say, “I just need trust in this relationship.”
How do we grow that in a long-term, intimate relationship like the one we have with our closest friends or with our spouse over a period of forty-five years, right?
What is the thing that keeps happening, or keeps not happening, that communicates over and over and over again?
Right?
It goes all the way back to the idea that love is not an idea.
Love is an action.
It’s an action word.
It’s an action thing.
For me to say, “I love you,” but then to keep doing the things that I know are undermining that very idea for you—I’m losing the battle.
So, I can say, “I love you,” but then I also need to do the things and say the things that I know make you feel loved.
I need to communicate that to you, and I need to behave in those ways.
The more that we’re able to put our actions behind the words that come out of our mouths, the stronger that bond becomes.
And when we do that over and over and over again—when I say something and then I go do it, when I promise something and keep my word, when I say I’m going to do something and then I take care of that thing or show up at that time—that’s what builds trust.
And we have to experience it.
Not that it needs to be one hundred percent, right?
There are going to be times when something comes up and you won’t be able to keep your word.
But nine out of ten times—or nine and a half out of ten times, or whatever the number—it needs to happen over and over and over again.
And we can’t keep accidentally screwing ourselves over by saying, “Oh, I didn’t think that was that big of a deal,” or, “That wasn’t worth my paying attention to,” or, “I had no idea that that was so important to you.”
That’s how trust is built.
It’s tied intrinsically—it’s tied closely—with what I’m doing and what I’m saying.
And if they can all align, I build trust with the person that I’m with.
And yes, trust means, in other words, I know that I am safe with you because I know that when you say one thing, you’re going to do that thing.
You’re going to keep to that statement.
I don’t have to go back and question.
I don’t have to wonder, “Well, he kind of said this is what was going to happen, but I don’t know if that’s actually what will happen.”
That’s how trust is built.
That is how it’s done.
There’s no other shortcut.
No other better way that I know.
Eat and Apple a Day for Your Marriage?
You know the saying, “Eat an apple a day, keep the doctor away.”
Do you know what that is for your marriage?
What’s the one thing that you keep doing over and over and over again to keep divorce at bay in your relationship?
Let me know in the comments.
And yes, I mean day after day after day after day, like the apple eating.
I’ll tell you what I think it is in the short tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Here’s the answer that you’ve been waiting for.
What’s that thing that’s like “Eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away” for your marriage?
It’s making your marriage—making your spouse—a priority.
And not just in theory, right, where we say we all love the concept.
Of course, that’s a smart way to think about your marriage.
But remember that behavior.
Don’t just say it.
Don’t just say it in your own head.
And – Don’t just say it to your spouse.
Make it match.
Make it look like that is something that you believe.
That that’s something that you hold true.
Make it match.
