Whether your kids are three, nine or fifteen years old, you have been having to navigate this whole Coronavirus situation, let’s be honest- with little or no advice.
I call it the – Throw you in the deep end – approach.
When addressing this novel topic with your youngsters, so many questions come up.
It’s come up a dozen times at least since the shelter-in-place order.
What is it that I need to know? How do you talk to your kids about what’s going on? How do you talk to your kids about COVID-19? When do I talk to them? What do I need to keep in mind? How do I know what’s too much, what’s too little to say to them? I see them anxious, scared, worried and angry.
If this sounds familiar, then this is for you. Here are five tips to help you navigate these conversations that so many parents have been dreading.
Your kids are looking up to you, and they need you to be able to talk about it.
And they need to know they can talk to you.
If you haven’t already, and we make this a rule in our house even when a worldwide pandemic isn’t happening — stop watching the news (or listening to news on the radio) with your little ones present.
Limit their exposure to the news as much as you can, or eliminate it altogether.
It is our job as parents to protect them from the things they are unable to process.
Even if they are doing something else like putting a puzzle together in the opposite corner of the room, working on their school assignments or whatever else your kids might be busying themselves with these days, their little ears are still open wide and taking in information that they don’t know what to do with.
Do them a favor and wait until they are in bed and only then blast the TV throughout the entire main floor.
I know, I know – you might want to listen to something while you are cooking dinner or washing the dishes. Knock yourself out, but for the love of those little ears, use some headphones and only let it in your head and nobody else’s.
Why is this so key?
Here’s the short version.
The problem with kids hearing about traumatic events is that they can’t tell whether it’s happening to them or to someone else.
They experience the event as if it were happening to them, first hand, and their reaction follows accordingly.
Maybe this will sound familiar.
Has your child ever had nightmares after going to the Science Museum? Or had their sleep otherwise disrupted after seeing a show that portrayed a war, a hurricane or another kind of traumatic event, like a shooting?
Our daughter’s school organized a field trip and, if memory serves me right, they either watched a film or were shown a demonstration of the simulation of how a tornado works.
It was meant as a a totally harmless science lesson, of course. BUT –
She would wake up for at least a week afterwards, not every night, but enough times – because she’d have nightmares of our family living through a tornado.
So yes, educational purposes, and I don’t blame anyone involved – And, of course she loved it and wanted to go on every other field trip always – BUT, you get the point.
Shield your children from information overload that they don’t know how to process on their own (or with help). Get the news out of their life and watch it on your own time.
When they ask a question about this whole situation, do this first.
Before you answer, ask them why they are asking.
Before you say anything, ask them what they have been thinking about that made them ask that question.
Do you remember that story of some kid asking their parents, while they were eating dinner, no less, what “virgin” meant?
The kid was way too young to need to know or want to be interested, but the parents figured, they are asking now, so let’s pull off the band aid and get it over with.
They go into the whole story, the whole nine yards worth, about girls and boys and what being a virgin meant.
They get through it, barely, take a good 10 minutes to do it justice – only to have to hear the follow up question of:
Ok, so what’s extra virgin mean then?
The whole time he was looking at the bottle staring him right in the face at the dinner table – Olive Oil.
So, always, ALWAYS ask – why are you asking? What would you like to know? Why would you like to know that?
As adults, we make assumptions of what our kids are after when in reality, that’s not at all where their little minds go.
But short of asking, we don’t ever find out otherwise.
And if you don’t have an answer to what they are asking – “I don’t know, honey” is totally legit.
Or – “I wish I had a better answer, sweetheart”.
All of those are totally great.
Great and Real.
And that’s what you want them to be – Your answer and your interactions with your kids.
When you talk to your kids, about this situation at hand or otherwise – tell the truth.
Lying is not good for anyone ever, really.
So do tell the truth BUT you don’t have to divulge all the things along with all the details about everything.
It’s up to us parents to know how to protect our kids.
If they ask if this is a serious illness, you can say yes and leave it at that.
If they ask if people die from it, you can say yes, again.
Tell them the truth but don’t overshare – They don’t need to know that there were 235 people who died yesterday in a particular country far away (or the state you live in) and most of them were the same age as their favorite nana.
That’s not doing anyone any favors.
For them, it’s too large of a cross to bear.
They are delicate little souls, and you have to keep that in mind.
Your kids have likely been all over the place.
No matter their age or maturity level.
They have likely had all kinds of reactions to this – outside of the one that communicated “I’m so happy about this school-from-home-deal, couldn’t love it any more than I already do“.
Yeah, right.
Their life as they knew it, has also been turned upside down.
Yes, just like ours – Except that we are adults and have better ways to deal with that. Hopefully.
But even if we do, I know at least of a few people that have had a meltdown or two in the last couple of weeks.
I know I have.
So they will, too. And when they do, let them feel the feels.
Sit with them in the emotion when it becomes overwhelming.
Let them cry in your lap, tell you what they are upset about.
Say “I am sorry this has been so hard.”
“When you are sad, I am sad.”
“I am sorry you miss your friends”.
Tell them all those things.
Sit with them in what they are feeling. Allow for that.
Create enough space so that they know that it’s always alright to come to mom and dad with what’s going on in their heart.
Even if you might not have the magic wand to make it go away in an instant.
Because that’s actually not what they need.
More than anything, they need us to show up.
I know a lot of you have a full plate already.
I know because I’ve been trying to balance all the plates myself.
Here’s one thing that we need to keep in mind.
I know we talked about doing B- work and why that’s enough – If you haven’t seen it – check it out here because I am convinced that time is now to be able to pull off B- work.
Just once a day, if you can, once a day – love on your kids.
Depending on what their love language is: Snuggle the crud out of them, play that game with them for the millionth time, find something silly to give them something special, ask what they need help with and help them with that or have them hear you tell them something nice.
If you don’t know what their love language is – have them take the test. If they are too young, take it on their behalf.
While you are loving on them the way they need it most, pay attention.
Listen.
Observe.
Watch.
Listen for what they are asking.
And then, if you are able – even at a B- level – try to provide them that.
If you can’t, just hold them longer.
And that will do.
As parents, we are all in this together, too.
Now, if you know a parent you think needs to hear this today – Share this article with them.
They will love you for it.
