Today, what I want to do, and you can see it in the title, I’m starting this new series I’m calling:
“Don’t be that guy”
So this is for you if you’re the gentlemen in our midst.
You might want to pay attention.
There are so many ways I see this happening.
Today I’m revealing one of those.
It may not blow your mind.
It’s not really rocket science, sure.
It’s not that complicated even.
BUT – I think we do it without recognizing/noticing the damage it’s causing.
The issues that it’s creating for you in your marriage in the meantime.
So, the part one of the series is:
Why am I talking about flowers?
And, how can you ruin flowers for anybody, right?
Here’s how you may be in this boat NOW.
Your wife used to love flowers.
She appreciated them, adored it even when you brought some in.
But then this happened.
You’d only bring flowers after something went wrong.
When you’ve messed up.
As an “I’m so sorry I did this”, right?
Or – “I don’t even know what I did but I’m sorry that this is where we are right.”
The flowers then became this thing –
Instead of a kind of celebratory, exciting thing, a sort of beautiful moment on a random Tuesday –
They became something that carries along with it this aftertaste or flavor of bitterness.
Where the response ends up being almost one of concern – Ugh, why am I getting flowers?
What happened?
How did he mess up now?
Right?
And you’ve done it in the past.
Now, I don’t know that we necessarily talk about the fact that we as women are not necessarily great at saying this.
About voicing out loud the words: Do you realize that I now kind of dread getting flowers from you because every time that they show up there’s something that’s accompanying them that I’m not a fan of?
Something happened that we need to deal with, or we need to talk about something, or you messed up in one way or another.
And this is you trying to get yourself dug out from the hole that you dug for yourself.
And, for those of you that will start throwing back all the arguments at me that say:
“Oh, my wife doesn’t like flowers.
She never has.”
You know that’s not important to her, I don’t have to worry about this.
If it’s truly not flowers and it may be true -I’m sure there’s some wives in our midst that don’t care about them or have allergies or what have you.
You may be right – that might not be their thing.
Everybody has their choice but if it’s not flowers, what is it?
What have you used – or what have you abused or MISused to a degree where now instead of it being what it used to be – meaning, this joyous interaction between the two of you, it’s become less than.
It’s become the opposite of that.
Is it her favorite drink from Caribou or Starbucks that used to bring her joy and it would just make her face shine?
But now it has this weird aftertaste.
Is it taking her out to lunch at a place where she previously enjoyed going to but now, because it’s connected to this series of mess-up after mess-up, that food no longer seems appetizing or no longer brings the same level enjoyment.
Is it going to a place, or is it going on a walk that you would previously adore going to and now that’s changed?
It’s changed how she perceives that OR how you both experience it.
Whatever it may be – and if you know that it’s not flowers, and if you’re unsure at all about the answer, I would recommend you do what I always say:
You ask her.
You can always just say: Hey, am I misreading this or is this really not THAT important to you?
Or, is there a place in our relationship where I have made something, taken something that used to be enjoyable and really fun before, and now turned it or changed it into, into something that you no longer look forward to because it’s attached to this mess-up of some sort.
And once you find that out, and if it’s not the flowers, if it is, in fact, the type of restaurant, or the type of food, or the geographic location, or if it’s the lake that you walk around or if it’s your favorite dessert
For me, I could see this happening if it was truffle fries.
I LOVE truffle fries.
So, if every time, or the ONLY time, that I’d get those from my husband, at some point I’d probably say:
I’d rather just not get any truffle fries because now they don’t taste any good.
They have this accompanying aroma that I dread more than I enjoy.
Does that make sense?
So, whatever it may be, it can be anything.
Here’s what you say: Is there something that I changed, that I turned from being a positive experience, or being a positive & great gift that you used to enjoy, to something that you now dislike or maybe even dread?
Or you have that reaction or dread: Oh, I hope I’m not getting another one of those…!
Because of what that now means.
And, once you figure out what that is for your wife, there is a way to get yourself out of that.
Here’s the GOOD news: You can also dig yourself out of the hole or get yourself out of the doghouse if you have been known to kind of perpetually or with some frequency broken this rule or made this a thing.
Here’s how you do it.
And it’s super simple.
Likely, if you sat on this for a minute and a half, you’d probably figure this out all on your own but – I’m just going to help you out so that you don’t have to waste 90 seconds of your life.
You make it your job.
You make it your calling to bring the Caribou fancy drink or the flowers of her choice or the meal from the restaurant of your choosing — BUT do it with nothing else attached to it.
You do it when there’s been no fight, no disagreement, there’s nothing that you’re trying to make up for.
When you didn’t forget something.
When you didn’t pull off a no-show.
There’s nothing that you’re trying to clean the air after.
You just do it on a random Tuesday in June or a random Sunday in September.
No reason whatsoever other than doing something lovely for your wife.
None of the “I’m being remorseful, I’m showing you that by bringing you this.”
I’m just bringing this for you enjoy. (What a concept, right?)
I’m just bringing this to tell you and to show you that I love you and that I care.
And I want this to be something that’s – again – enjoyable for you.
That’s it.
I want to do this as a way to rebuild that relationship, between that coffee drink and you, as it may be.
The way to rebuild the relationship is if you stop solely doing it in response to a situation where something went south, and you are backpedaling really hard to get yourself out of that place.
If you don’t know where you stand on this issue, find out.
My guess is you and your wife have one of these.
I don’t know if I would say ALL couples have this going on (but most do) where they’ve mistreated something that previously was in the category of “That was so fun”, or “I really love this”, to now this.
There’s likely something that most of you could pay attention to.
Once you know what it is, then it’s really easy to do something about it.
So, off you go.
It’s not that hard.
It doesn’t require that much time, that much attention.
It just means that you may need to look at your calendar and figure out:
Okay, how do I do this?
It’s almost like – I want to beat myself to the punch, right?
How can I make this happen?
When would be a good time where it would catch her completely by surprise?
When it would catch her off guard and it wouldn’t have anything attached to it.
No negative feeling.
No negative experience.
I’m just doing this.
I know you love this.
This is for you.
No strings attached, enjoy and I’m going back to work.
Or – enjoy, and I got the kids for the afternoon and you do what you want to do.
The options are limitless.
Just make it count.
It’s SO worth it.
Today is just as good a day as any – to start, I mean.
