We rarely talk about this.
But it needs to be talked about.
Because, in your marriage as much as anywhere else in your life, your capacity to suck is what propels you forward (Or keeps you stuck in one place.)
How do you mean?
Great question – I would love to tell you.
What I see happening is this.
Your spouse approaches you with a pain point.
Or a request for improvement.
Pointing out something you aren’t great at in relationship to them, yet.
And they’re saying it needs to be talked about.
(Because – really – For anything to change, it needs to be talked about.
Since we haven’t figured out the reading-the-mind piece as of yet.)
So they bring it to the table.
“I would like to talk to you about being late when we agree that dinner is at 6pm.”
“I’m feeling quite lonely – You seem to have all the time in the world for everyone and everything else. Except for me, your spouse.”
“You said you were going to take care of this, and here we are, two weeks later, and said thing has not been taken care of yet.”
And as you hear this (feel free to insert your own specifics), you feel bad.
You kind of crumble.
You lose all muscle in your body and just melt to the floor, figuratively speaking.
Overcome by this ‘news’ you just heard, defeated, you lay your tired bones down as if having no will to live.
Some of you actually do do this literally.
Your posture changes, the look on your face – the whole nine yards.
We have a witty name for this in our household.
Wanna know what it is?
You are Charlie Brown-ing it.
You are unable to take this thing from your spouse without being overwhelmed by it.
Without feeling beaten up.
When you do that —
When after hearing your spouse voicing some need of hers/his takes you all the way to shame — the grounding-sucking-shame-that-you-don’t-know-how-to-get-out-of —
You aren’t able to show up for your relationship in the way that it needs you to.
You aren’t able to be the spouse your spouse needs you to be.
Let alone give them what they are asking from you instead.
Not if you are Charlie Brown-ing it for the next week and a half.
And some of you quite literally take that long.
And, more importantly perhaps – you aren’t helping each other create healthy and frequent interactions like this in the future.
[They absolutely can be non-threatening and frequent without one of you losing their mind in the process.]
You know, the next time that you might miss something.
So long as you keep doing what you’re doing – that wife of yours, that husband of yours – they are learning; or rather – You are teaching them that this is not ok to do.
Whether you mean for that or not —
They don’t bring things up anymore.
Like the fact that you forgot to show up for your kid’s parent-teacher conference.
Even though you two talked about it, she sent you a couple calendar invites & reminders.
Or you keep treating her birthday like it’s just another day of the week.
After having this happen to them time and time again, they keep it to themselves now.
Most people don’t say: My husband emptied out our savings account without talking to me and bought a brand new SUV.
But maybe you did.
Maybe you spent an exorbitant amount of time or money doing the thing you weren’t supposed to do.
That’s alright.
It’s ok to suck.
We all suck at something.
Let me correct that – we all suck at many things.
BUT – your ability (or inability) to suck will dictate your success (or lack thereof.)
When you stop bringing things up to one another, not only does nothing change in that particular situation.
Worse yet – You two stop talking.
Or at a minimum, you stop bringing up the hurts and the pains to one another.
You know what happens next?
That’s how resentment is built.
Resentment goes hand in hand with distance.
You being able to embrace the ‘suck’ will be instrumental in where your communication is headed.
Will be the deciding factor between nothing changing and things only getting worse over time –
– Versus –
You say what you need to say, you do what you need to do to leave your spouse feeling heard.
And you know how to get to work from there.
The good news is – This is all within your control.
All of us have the ability to deal with the suck.
(I would know.)
No matter what you’ve done in the past, what you’ve seen other people do – none of it matters.
The suck doesn’t have to undermine everything that you have worked on so far.
It doesn’t have to leave you feeling powerless.
It can be power-giving.
But you have a choice to make.
Now, I don’t want to sway you one way or the other – BUT – I’ll leave you with this.
Embracing it is so worth doing.
If you are looking for help with this – If this is something that is happening in your marriage and you’d like help with getting out – Let’s Talk.
Schedule an Initial Phone Consultation here and we’ll go from there.
[PS: I haven’t read it but there is a book entitled Embrace the Suck that sounds like it might fit in with what we are talking about here.]
