I have couples come into my office all the time who feel completely unseen in their marriage.
Not necessarily unseen as human beings. Unseen in their efforts. Their contributions. The hundreds of things they do every week to keep their family, their home, and their lives running.
And here’s what’s interesting.
Very often, BOTH spouses feel exactly the same way.
The husband might say:
“I work so hard for this family. I pay the bills. I take care of the yard. I fix things around the house. I call the repair people when something breaks. I make sure we have a roof over our heads. And nobody seems to notice any of it.”
Meanwhile, his wife is thinking:
“Are you kidding me? I’m the one keeping track of the kids’ schedules, school activities, doctor’s appointments, birthday presents, Christmas shopping, clothes, groceries, and college visits. I know which kid needs new shoes, who’s outgrown their winter coat, and which deadlines are coming up. Do you have any idea how much time and energy that takes?”
Now, these are general examples. The responsibilities might be completely reversed in your marriage, or you might divide them differently. That’s not the point.
The point is that you have two people standing on opposite sides of the road, each saying:
“You don’t see everything I do for you.”
And the other person responds:
“Well, you don’t see everything I do for YOU!”
And there you have it.
Two people working incredibly hard, both feeling unappreciated, and neither particularly interested in appreciating the other person until they start getting some appreciation themselves.
Sound familiar?
Here’s what I want you to understand.
If you’re waiting for your spouse to start appreciating you before you start appreciating them, you could be waiting a very long time.
Because guess what?
They might be waiting for exactly the same thing.
And that’s a game nobody wins. That’s a game that benefits no one. It’s a waiting game you both lose.
So here’s my recommendation.
Stop waiting. Go first.
Make up your mind that you’re going to start noticing what your spouse does for you and your family.
And then—and this part is important—you’re going to actually SAY something about it.
Not because they’ve earned enough points.
Not because they’ve finally started doing everything the way you want.
And not because you’re trying to get something in return.
But because you recognize that there is another human being in your home who is contributing to your life in ways you’ve probably stopped paying attention to.
I call this some of the lowest-hanging fruit in marriage.
It’s one of the easiest things you can start doing to improve the atmosphere between you and your spouse.
And you don’t need your spouse’s permission or participation to begin.
You might be wondering whether something as simple as saying thank you can actually improve your marriage.
Especially if you’ve got much bigger problems.
Maybe you’ve been fighting for months.
Maybe you barely talk anymore.
Maybe you’re so frustrated with each other that almost every conversation turns negative.
And I’m telling you to start appreciating your spouse?
Yes. I am.
But here’s why.
When your marriage has been difficult for a long time, the negative interactions can start to outweigh the positive ones.
You notice everything your spouse does wrong.
You remember every disappointment.
You can practically recite the list of things they haven’t done, haven’t said, or haven’t followed through on.
Meanwhile, the things they’re still doing well barely register.
It’s as if you’ve got a scale, and you’ve been piling negative experiences onto one side for months or even years.
Expressing gratitude is one way to start putting something back onto the other side.
It doesn’t erase the problems.
It doesn’t make the arguments disappear.
It doesn’t mean you’re suddenly okay with everything that’s been happening.
But it does mean you’re deliberately adding something positive to a relationship that’s been running short on positive interactions.
You’re reminding your spouse—and yourself—that even in the middle of the mess, there are still things worth appreciating.
A 2010 study published in Personal Relationships, titled It’s the Little Things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships, examined everyday gratitude in couples.
Researchers Sara Algoe, Shelly Gable, and Natalya Maisel found that gratitude experienced during interactions between romantic partners predicted greater feelings of connection and relationship satisfaction the following day.
And here’s what I especially appreciate about that finding: the association was present for both the person receiving the thoughtful gesture and the person providing it.
In other words, gratitude wasn’t just associated with benefits for one spouse. It was connected to a better relationship experience for both.
A later study of couples also found that people tended to underestimate how grateful their partners actually felt, and those perceptions were associated with relationship satisfaction.
Think about that for a moment.
Your spouse might genuinely appreciate you.
But if you never hear it, how are you supposed to know?
Sources:
Research doesn’t mean that saying thank you will magically fix every marriage problem. It does give us good reason to take everyday appreciation seriously.
And after nearly 14 years of working with married couples, I can tell you that this is a practice I keep coming back to.
Because it matters.
Now, there’s an important distinction I want to make.
You can feel grateful for your spouse.
You can think they’re wonderful.
You can notice all the things they do.
You can even tell your friends how amazing your husband or wife is.
But if those words never make it out of your mouth and into your spouse’s ears, how are they supposed to know?
Your friends might know how much you appreciate your husband.
Your coworkers might hear you talking about what a great wife you have.
But what about the person you’re actually married to?
Are they hearing any of it?
Your appreciation is like a hidden treasure if you keep it all to yourself.
You’re enjoying the benefits of feeling grateful, but your spouse has no idea.
As far as they’re concerned, you might not notice anything they’re doing.
As far as they’re concerned, they might not have heard a kind word from you in months.
So please, don’t just think appreciative thoughts.
Say them.
Out loud.
To the person you’re married to.
Now, I’m not against saying thank you.
Please say thank you!
But if all your spouse ever hears is a distracted “thanks” as you’re walking out of the room, we can do better.
There’s a difference between the teenager who rolls their eyes and says “Sorry!” because you’ve made them apologize, and the person who looks you in the eyes and genuinely acknowledges what they’ve done.
The same is true of gratitude.
Your tone matters.
Your body language matters.
Your sincerity matters.
And sometimes, adding just one more sentence makes all the difference.
1. “You have no idea how much easier you make my life when you take care of that.”
“I don’t even have to think about it because I know you’ve got it handled.”
2. “I know nobody sees all the work that goes into making this happen. But I do.”
“And I want you to know how much I appreciate it.”
3. “I was thinking about how much you do for our family.”
“And I realized I probably don’t tell you nearly often enough how grateful I am.”
4. “That dinner was SO good!”
“Can we please put that on the menu again next week?”
Sometimes appreciation can be as simple as letting someone know you genuinely enjoyed the thing they put effort into.
5. “I love knowing I can count on you to take care of these things.”
“It takes so much pressure off me.”
6. “I noticed you took care of that before anybody even asked.”
“Thank you for paying attention. That meant a lot to me.”
7. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I appreciate that you handle all of that.”
“I would have so much more on my plate if you didn’t.”
8. “One of the things I really appreciate about being married to you is how well you take care of our family.”
“I see the sacrifices you make, and I don’t want you to think I take them for granted.”
They’re specific.
They’re personal.
And they explain why the action matters.
Instead of simply saying “thanks,” you’re telling your spouse:
Here’s what I noticed. Here’s why it matters to me. And here’s how it makes my life better.
That’s a very different conversation.
And while you’re saying it, look at them.
Put down your phone.
Turn toward them.
If it’s natural for your relationship, take their hand.
Let your body language match your words.
Because if your words say “I appreciate you,” but your tone says “I’m only doing this because somebody told me to,” your spouse is going to notice the difference.
WATCH NOW – “The Marriage Mistake Everyone Ignores Changes Everything in 7 Days” all about gratitude!
Let me give you a personal example.
I have never mowed our lawn.
Not once.
I’m not even kidding.
I’ve shoveled snow hundreds of times. I’ve used the snowblower. I’m perfectly capable of learning how to mow a lawn.
But I’ve never needed to.
My husband takes care of it.
He mows the lawn. He trims the branches. He takes care of things outside that I don’t even know need to be done.
Half the time, I don’t even know where the tools are!
And you know what?
If he stopped doing all those things tomorrow, I would notice pretty quickly.
I’d either have to learn how to do them myself, ask our kids to help, or hire somebody.
Either way, my life would change.
And that’s the point.
There are probably dozens of things your spouse does that you’ve stopped noticing precisely because they’ve been doing them so consistently.
You don’t have to think about them.
You don’t have to worry about them.
You don’t have to put them on your to-do list.
Because somebody else has been taking care of them.
And this goes both ways.
Maybe your wife handles all the kids’ clothes, school supplies, extracurricular activities, and birthday gifts.
Maybe your husband manages the finances and has been faithfully putting money aside for your family’s future.
Maybe one of you cooks while the other cleans.
Maybe one of you handles the travel plans while the other makes sure the house and car are ready before you leave.
Whatever it is, ask yourself:
What would happen if my spouse stopped doing this?
Would somebody else have to pick up the slack?
Would it cost you money?
Would it take time away from something else?
Would it add stress to your day?
If the answer is yes, you’ve probably just identified something worth appreciating.
Here’s another thing I want you to know.
Your gratitude doesn’t have to be limited to what happened today.
Years ago, my husband surprised me by completely redoing our bedroom while I was away.
He repainted the walls.
He redid the trim.
He installed new curtains, including blackout curtains.
He took the time to make our bedroom beautiful.
And I still enjoy the results of his work years later.
Now, imagine I walk into that bedroom today and think about how lovely that surprise was.
There’s absolutely nothing stopping me from saying:
“You know what I was thinking about today? When you surprised me by redoing our bedroom. I still love it. I still appreciate all the time and work you put into that. And I just wanted you to know.”
Why wouldn’t I say that?
Just because it happened five years ago?
The benefit of something your spouse did years ago might still be part of your life today.
You can appreciate it today.
You can thank them for it today.
You can remind them that their effort mattered—and still matters.
Here’s what I want you to try.
For the next 30 days, deliberately look for things your spouse does that you can appreciate.
Not imaginary things.
Not things you’re making up just to be nice.
Real things.
Things they’ve done for you, your children, your home, your finances, your extended family, or your marriage.
And then tell them.
Every single day.
It might be something small.
It might be something significant.
It might be something they did ten years ago that you suddenly remembered.
The size of the contribution isn’t what matters.
What matters is that you’re training yourself to notice.
And please don’t turn this into another competition.
You don’t need to keep score.
You don’t need to wait until they’ve thanked you three times before you thank them once.
You don’t need to announce that you’re winning the gratitude challenge.
Just start.
If you both want to participate and make it a fun game, fantastic!
But it doesn’t have to be a joint project.
You can make this decision all by yourself.
Because we’re building a habit.
Think about when you first learned to drive.
You had to pay attention to everything.
Your mirrors. Your speed. Your surroundings. Where your hands were. What your feet were doing.
Now, you can back out of your driveway without consciously thinking through every single step.
You’ve practiced it so many times that it has become familiar.
That’s what I want gratitude to become in your marriage.
Something you do naturally.
Something you don’t have to be reminded to do.
Something that becomes part of how you interact with your spouse.
And please don’t misunderstand me.
Thirty days is the training ground. It’s not the finish line.
I’m not suggesting you appreciate your spouse for a month and then go right back to ignoring everything they do.
Gratitude in your marriage needs to exist.
Period. Full stop. End of story.
There isn’t some magical point in your relationship where appreciation is no longer necessary.
If you’re doing this well, you’ll be doing it for the rest of your marriage.
And that’s a very good thing.
Because there’s a very good chance your spouse feels exactly the same way.
You might both be sitting there thinking, “I do so much, and nobody notices.”
Somebody has to interrupt that pattern.
Why not you?
You can also have an honest conversation about it.
Try saying:
“I’ve been feeling pretty unappreciated lately, and it occurred to me that maybe you feel the same way. Do you feel like I notice the things you do for us?”
That one question might open a conversation you haven’t had in years.
And if you’re not ready for that conversation, you can simply begin practicing appreciation yourself.
You don’t have to wait for your spouse to go first.
You don’t have to thank your spouse for anything.
But why wouldn’t you?
Yes, adults are supposed to be responsible.
Yes, parents are supposed to take care of their children.
Yes, somebody has to do the dishes, pay the bills, and take out the trash.
But think about what would happen if your spouse stopped doing those things.
Somebody would have to pick up the slack.
And there’s a good chance that somebody would be you.
So why not acknowledge the contribution?
You’re not giving your spouse a gold star for being an adult.
You’re recognizing that their effort makes a difference in your life.
And that’s worth saying out loud.
They might!
Especially if you’ve spent years criticizing each other.
A sudden change in how you speak to them might feel suspicious.
That’s okay.
You can simply explain yourself.
“I’m not trying to get anything from you. I’ve realized that I haven’t been very good at telling you what I appreciate about you, and I want to change that.”
And then keep doing it.
Don’t demand that they believe you immediately.
Let your consistency speak for itself.
If you’ve spent years communicating one way, it might take a little time for your spouse to trust that you’re genuinely doing something different.
I don’t buy it.
And I say that as somebody who has worked with couples who are at serious odds with one another.
I understand that when you’re angry, disappointed, or deeply resentful, the negative things are much easier to access.
So here’s what I sometimes have people do.
Write down everything that’s bothering you.
All the complaints.
All the frustrations.
All the things that aren’t working.
Get them onto paper.
I’m not minimizing any of them. I’m not telling you they’re wrong. I’m not asking you to pretend they don’t exist.
But once you’ve finished that list, turn the paper over.
Now we’re going to look for something different.
Walk me through your day.
Did your spouse take the kids to school?
Did they go to work?
Did they bring home groceries?
Did they help one of your children with homework?
Did they take care of something around the house?
Did they remember an appointment or handle a phone call you didn’t have to make?
Start there.
And keep looking.
Sometimes you need somebody to help you see the things you’ve become so accustomed to that you no longer recognize them.
That doesn’t mean your marriage doesn’t have real problems.
It means the problems aren’t necessarily the whole story.
And if you’re struggling to find the good, that’s something I can help you work through.
One important exception: if you’re experiencing abuse, coercion, or intimidation, you do not need to use gratitude to excuse harmful behavior or make yourself feel safer in an unsafe relationship. Those situations require a different kind of help.
Yes, it can make a difference.
But not because the words “thank you” have magical powers.
It’s because you’re changing what you pay attention to and what you communicate.
If your relationship has been filled with criticism, disappointment, and negative conversations, you need to start adding something different.
Gratitude is one way to do that.
It doesn’t cancel out the difficult things.
You can appreciate that your husband works hard and still need to address how he speaks to you.
You can appreciate that your wife takes wonderful care of the children and still need to work on your emotional connection.
Both things can be true.
The positive and the negative can exist side by side.
And adding more positive interactions can help create a better atmosphere for addressing the things that still need work.
Be specific.
Slow down.
Look at your spouse.
And explain why what they did mattered to you.
Instead of a quick “Thanks for dinner,” try:
“That dinner was delicious. I know you spent a lot of time making it, and I really enjoyed it.”
Instead of “Thanks for taking the kids,” try:
“I really appreciate you taking the kids today. I had so much to get done, and knowing they were taken care of took a huge amount of pressure off me.”
You don’t need to deliver a five-minute speech.
But you can put a little more meat on those bones.
Tell them what you noticed.
And tell them why it mattered.
First, I’d be very curious about what you mean by “nothing.”
Because even if your spouse doesn’t immediately start thanking you in return, something may already have changed.
You have changed what you’re looking for.
Instead of spending every day collecting evidence of what your spouse is doing wrong, you’ve spent 30 days deliberately noticing what they’re doing right.
That matters.
In my experience, when someone genuinely practices appreciation consistently, their spouse often starts to notice.
Sometimes they’ll say something.
Sometimes they’ll begin expressing more appreciation themselves.
Sometimes they’re simply surprised because they haven’t heard those kinds of words in years.
But I don’t want you to approach this as a guaranteed 30-day transformation.
Your spouse is a human being, not a vending machine. You don’t put 30 days of gratitude in and automatically get a particular response out.
The goal is to build a better habit of noticing and expressing appreciation.
And yes, you keep going.
Because gratitude isn’t something your marriage only needs for 30 days.
This is one of my favorite questions.
Because you can appreciate your spouse all day long.
You can think wonderful thoughts about them.
You can tell everybody else how great they are.
But if you never tell your spouse, how are they supposed to know?
Your appreciation might be very real.
But your spouse can’t hear thoughts you never speak.
So don’t keep all those wonderful things to yourself.
Say them.
Let your spouse hear them.
Let them know that you notice.
Let them know that their effort matters.
And let them know that you’re grateful they’re in your life.
Here’s what I want you to take away from all of this.
Your spouse is probably doing more than you think.
And there’s a good chance you’re doing more than they realize, too.
But somebody has to stop standing on their side of the road demanding to be seen first.
Somebody has to be willing to cross that road.
Why not you?
Start paying attention.
Start looking for the things you’ve stopped noticing.
And when you find them, don’t keep them to yourself.
Say something.
You might be surprised how much difference those words can make.
And if you and your spouse are stuck in patterns you can’t seem to change on your own, I’d love to help.
I’ve spent nearly 14 years helping married couples figure out what’s going wrong between them and learn how to do things differently.
You don’t have to keep having the same arguments, feeling unseen, or wondering whether your marriage can improve.
Danka Bogott is a marriage coach serving married couples in Minneapolis, Edina, and the Twin Cities, with virtual coaching also available.
