Stress is part of life.
Sometimes it’s a difficult project at work. Sometimes it’s financial pressure, health problems, aging parents, or raising children who need an enormous amount of your attention.
And sometimes it’s all of those things at once.
I don’t know anybody who gets through life without experiencing stress.
But here’s what concerns me when I work with married couples.
Sometimes we get so accustomed to living with stress that we stop noticing what it’s doing to our marriage.
We become irritable. We stop talking. We lose patience. We have less energy for each other. We stop doing the things we used to enjoy together.
And before we know it, the stress that started somewhere outside our marriage has made itself right at home inside it.
So today, I want to talk about what stress does to a marriage, what you can do about it, and why both spouses have a role to play in making things better.
There’s a big difference between temporary stress and chronic stress.
Let’s say your husband has a major project at work.
He knows the next two weeks are going to be unusually demanding. He’ll have to work longer hours, perhaps miss a couple of family activities, and may not be as available as he normally is.
That’s one situation.
Now imagine that those two weeks turn into two months.
Then six months.
Then three years.
And at some point, nobody even talks about it anymore.
That’s just how life is.
He’s always working.
He’s always exhausted.
He’s always stressed.
And everybody in the family has learned to work around it.
That’s a very different situation.
One requires a temporary adjustment.
The other may require a serious conversation about the way you’re living your lives.
And the problem isn’t always work.
Stress can come from caring for elderly parents, raising a child with significant needs, chronic health problems, difficult relationships with extended family, financial pressure, or even ongoing loneliness.
The source may be different, but the effect can be very similar.
You become so consumed by what’s happening that you have less and less of yourself available for your marriage.
I love this analogy.
Imagine I’m standing in front of you holding a glass of water.
How heavy is it?
Maybe eight ounces. Maybe twelve.
Not very heavy, right?
Now imagine I hold that glass for one minute.
No problem.
What if I hold it for an hour?
My arm is probably going to start hurting.
What if I hold it all day?
I’m going to be in serious discomfort.
And what if I keep holding it, day after day, without ever putting it down?
The weight of the glass hasn’t changed.
What changed is how long I’ve been carrying it.
That’s what chronic stress can feel like.
Something that might have been perfectly manageable for a short period becomes exhausting when there’s no end in sight.
And eventually, that exhaustion starts affecting other areas of your life.
Including your marriage.
You may find yourself snapping at your spouse over things that wouldn’t normally bother you.
You may stop wanting to spend time together because you’re simply too tired.
You may become impatient with your children.
You may even start resenting the very people who need your attention because you feel like you have absolutely nothing left to give.
And here’s the important part.
Sometimes your spouse has no idea just how heavy that glass has become.
Which brings me to the next point.
I recently had a couple come into my office where the husband had been under tremendous stress because of a project at work.
And this is something I want couples to understand.
Your experience and your spouse’s experience are not going to be identical.
Something that feels overwhelming to you may not look nearly as serious from where your spouse is sitting.
Not because they don’t care.
Not because they’re deliberately ignoring you.
They simply aren’t experiencing what you’re experiencing.
So if you’re the one who’s stressed, I want you to tell your spouse what’s happening.
And I want you to be specific.
Not just:
“I’m stressed.”
Okay. You’re stressed.
What does that mean?
What is happening?
How long do you expect it to last?
And what would actually help?
You might say something like this:
“I have a really demanding project at work, and the next two weeks are going to be rough. I’m going to need to put in some extra hours. Would you be willing to handle breakfast with the kids for the next couple of weeks? And could I have about 90 minutes on Saturday afternoon to finish some work?”
Now we’re getting somewhere!
Your spouse knows what’s happening.
They know how long you expect this to last.
And they know what you’re asking for.
That’s a whole lot more useful than walking around the house irritated, exhausted, and expecting everybody to somehow figure out what you need.
Of course, your spouse may have needs and limitations of their own. So this is a conversation, not a declaration.
But at least now you’re having the conversation.
And that’s where change begins.
Here’s something I tell couples that I think is really important.
It only takes one of you to notice that something isn’t working and start the conversation.
You don’t have to wait until your spouse comes to the same conclusion.
Maybe you’re the one who’s overwhelmed.
Maybe you’re the one who notices that your husband is miserable every evening.
Maybe your wife has become unusually irritable, withdrawn, or exhausted.
Maybe you’re starting to feel disconnected.
You can say something.
And you should.
Think about the front entrance of your house.
If you haven’t vacuumed it in two years, and everybody keeps tracking dirt, rain, and snow through the house, eventually that mess is going to end up everywhere.
In the hallway.
In the kitchen.
In the bedrooms.
Now, you could ignore it until the entire house is filthy.
Or you could notice the problem while it’s still relatively small and do something about it.
Maybe everybody starts taking their shoes off at the door.
Maybe you create a cleaning schedule.
Maybe each of the four people in your family takes a turn.
Maybe you hire someone to help.
There are options!
The important thing is that you notice what’s happening and address it.
Why would you wait until the stress has affected every corner of your marriage before doing something about it?
And even if you’re already halfway there, it’s not too late to begin cleaning things up.
The earlier you address the problem, the less damage you may have to repair.
Now, suppose you’re not the stressed spouse.
You’re the one watching your husband or wife struggle.
Maybe they’re working constantly.
Maybe they’re exhausted.
Maybe they’re snapping at the kids.
And you can see that something is wrong.
How do you bring it up without making things worse?
I would encourage you to stay on your side of the line.
Here’s what I mean.
Talk about what you’re noticing.
Talk about what you’re experiencing.
Talk about what concerns you.
And remind your spouse that you love them.
For example:
“Honey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming home exhausted almost every evening. You used to get stressed about work a couple of times a year, but lately it seems like something is happening every other day. I’m worried about you. I love you, and it’s hard watching you carry all of this. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Notice what we’re NOT doing.
We’re not saying:
“You’re always in a terrible mood.”
“You’re ruining everybody’s evening.”
“You care more about your job than your family.”
Even if you’re frustrated, those statements aren’t likely to open the door to a productive conversation.
Instead, you’re communicating care.
You’re saying, “I see you. I’m concerned about you. And I want to help.”
That’s a very different starting point.
Ideally, when you ask your spouse what would help, they’ll be able to tell you.
But sometimes they can’t.
Sometimes they’re so overwhelmed that they don’t even have the mental capacity to figure out what they need.
So instead of stopping at “Let me know if you need anything,” offer some specific options.
“Would it help if I handled breakfast for the next two weeks?”
“Would it help if you skipped Saturday’s family gathering and had a few hours to finish your project?”
“Would it help if we rearranged a couple of responsibilities around the house?”
“Would it help if you had some time alone after work before jumping into family activities?”
Now your spouse has something concrete to respond to.
They can say yes.
They can say no.
They can suggest something else.
And you can begin figuring it out together.
Sometimes the solution is a temporary adjustment.
Sometimes you need to renegotiate who’s responsible for what.
And sometimes you need to look at your entire setup and ask whether the expectations you’ve been living with still make sense.
But none of that happens until somebody opens the conversation.
Visit “How to Make Time for Your Marriage When Life is Busy”
Now, there’s another piece to this that I don’t want us to miss.
If you’re the one who’s stressed out, I have a question for you.
How do YOU deal with your stress?
What helps you?
What have you done in the past that actually worked?
Was it exercise?
Going for a walk?
Spending some time alone?
Getting enough sleep?
Talking things through with somebody?
And are you still doing those things?
Or have you gotten so busy and so overwhelmed that you’ve stopped doing the very things that used to help you?
Maybe it’s time to make room for them again.
Or maybe you’ve never really figured out what helps you manage stress.
Well, then, perhaps that’s something worth figuring out!
Because here’s the thing.
Your spouse can love you, support you, rearrange some responsibilities, and help take things off your plate.
And that’s wonderful.
You also have a responsibility to figure out how to deal with your own stress so that you aren’t constantly bringing it home and dumping it on your family.
Think about that for a minute.
You spend all day stressed out at work.
You come home exhausted, irritated, and overwhelmed.
And the people who love you most end up getting the worst of you.
You snap at your spouse.
You lose patience with the kids.
You don’t want to talk to anybody.
And now everybody in the house is walking around trying not to upset you.
That can’t be fun for them.
And frankly, I can’t imagine it’s much fun for you, either.
So let’s figure out what needs to change.
Maybe you need 20 minutes to decompress between work and family time.
Maybe you need to get back to exercising.
Maybe you need to stop checking work emails at 9 o’clock at night.
Maybe you need to have a conversation with your boss about what’s realistic.
Or maybe the amount of stress you’re carrying has gotten to the point where you need some additional professional support.
Whatever it is, I want you to take an active role in figuring it out.
Because the goal isn’t to never experience stress again.
That’s not realistic.
The goal is to learn how to carry the stress of life without continually unloading it onto the people you love.
Now, I want to make one more distinction.
There’s a difference between working hard and living under an unsustainable amount of stress.
You can work long hours, do demanding work, and still feel fulfilled.
You can love your job.
You can feel like you’re doing something meaningful.
And you can recognize when you need a break, when you need additional support, or when your compensation and responsibilities need to be renegotiated.
That’s very different from living in a constant state of misery and believing you have absolutely no other options.
Sometimes a spouse will say:
“That’s just how my job is.”
“There’s nothing I can do.”
“Everybody in my industry works weekends.”
“I can’t say no.”
And here’s what I would want to ask.
Have you explored the alternatives?
Could you work for another company?
Could you negotiate different expectations?
Could you change positions?
Could you establish some boundaries?
Could you find work somewhere that places a greater value on family life?
I’m not suggesting that everybody can simply quit their job tomorrow.
Of course not.
People have mortgages, children, bills, and responsibilities.
But there’s a big difference between not being able to make a change tomorrow and believing you have no choices whatsoever.
Sometimes when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed, we stop seeing the possibilities.
And sometimes the issue goes even deeper.
Maybe you’re afraid of disappointing your boss.
Maybe you’re terrified of being replaced.
Maybe you don’t believe you’re valuable enough to ask for something different.
Maybe you’re working yourself into the ground because somewhere along the way, you became convinced that you have to keep proving your worth.
If that’s happening, it’s worth examining.
Because the problem may not be only what your employer expects.
It may also involve what you believe you’re allowed to ask for.
And if the stress is affecting your marriage, your children, your health, and your ability to enjoy your life, I think that’s a conversation worth having.
And if you’ve tried having this exact conversation together over the years a dozen different ways, still with no good result that you can both more than live with – It might be time to reach out and get some help around this.
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Here’s what I’d love for you to do.
Sit down together when you’re both reasonably calm and have a little time.
And ask each other these three questions:
You don’t have to solve everything in one conversation.
But you do need to start somewhere.
And remember: one spouse noticing the problem is enough to begin.
Absolutely. Too much of something negative can damage a very good thing.
But I think the greatest danger is when stress becomes a way of life and nobody addresses it.
You stop noticing how exhausted you are. You become accustomed to being irritable. You stop spending time together. You begin drifting apart.
And eventually, the marriage starts carrying the weight of stress that may have originated somewhere else entirely.
My recommendation is to pay attention early.
Just like you wouldn’t wait until dirt from your front entrance had spread into every bedroom before deciding to clean it up, don’t wait until your marriage is in serious trouble before addressing the stress.
And remember, you don’t have to wait for both spouses to agree that there’s a problem.
If you notice something isn’t working, start the conversation.
Start by noticing, and then open the door to a conversation.
Tell your spouse what you’re seeing, why you’re concerned, and that you love them.
Stay on your side of the line rather than criticizing or accusing.
Then ask what would help.
And if they don’t know, offer specific options. Maybe you can temporarily take over a responsibility, adjust a family commitment, or help create some space for them to decompress.
But remember, supporting your spouse doesn’t mean accepting harmful behavior.
If their stress regularly turns into yelling, swearing, or mistreating you or the children, it’s appropriate to set boundaries.
You might say:
“I love you, and I want to help. But when you start yelling at the kids, I’m going to take them somewhere safe. We can talk about what needs to change when things are calm.”
You cannot force your spouse to accept help or change their behavior.
But you can decide what you will do to protect yourself and your children. If anyone is in danger, prioritize safety and get appropriate support.
I would start by asking whether that’s actually true.
Is there genuinely nothing that can change?
Or have you simply stopped looking for alternatives?
Maybe your spouse needs to renegotiate responsibilities, establish boundaries, ask for additional support, or consider working somewhere else.
Maybe the problem isn’t the amount of work itself, but the constant feeling of pressure, fear, or being undervalued.
And sometimes there’s an internal piece worth examining.
Does your spouse believe they can’t say no because they’re afraid of losing their job?
Do they feel they have to prove their worth constantly?
Those beliefs can keep someone stuck even when other options exist.
I would encourage you to explore the possibilities together.
Not every change can happen immediately.
But “I can’t change this today” is not the same thing as “Nothing can ever change.”
And when your work is consistently costing you your presence with your spouse and children, I think it’s worth asking whether the current arrangement is truly the life you want.
Sometimes couples recognize the problem early and make a few adjustments.
They redistribute responsibilities.
They communicate more clearly.
They make room for rest.
And things begin to improve.
But sometimes the stress has been there for so long that the marriage has developed problems of its own.
Maybe you’ve been fighting constantly.
Maybe you’ve stopped talking about anything meaningful.
Maybe one spouse feels completely abandoned while the other feels criticized and misunderstood.
And now, even when the original stress improves, the two of you are still stuck in the same patterns.
That’s when you may need more than another conversation about your schedules.
You may need help figuring out what’s happening between you and learning how to do things differently.
I’m Danka Bogott, and I’ve been helping married couples in Minneapolis and Edina for almost 15 years. I have also set my business up in a way that allows me to see couples anywhere in the country so if that’s you, know that you can reach out, too.
I work with couples who love each other, want their marriage to work, and have somehow gotten themselves terribly stuck over time.
I’m not a sit-back-and-nod kind of marriage coach.
If we work together, we’re going to identify what’s actually happening between you, figure out what needs to change, and practice doing things differently. That’s the only way to getting a different result.
If stress has taken a toll on your marriage and you’re ready to do something about it, let’s talk.
Schedule an initial phone consultation, and we’ll talk about what’s happening in your marriage, what you’ve already tried, and whether working together would be a good fit.
