We don’t teach children how to swim in the middle of a storm. We teach them when the water is calm so they’ll know what to do when it isn’t.
Think about that for a moment.
We don’t wait until our children are drowning to decide that perhaps swimming lessons would be a good idea.
We teach them BEFORE they need those skills.
Years ago, a friend of mine who lives in the Netherlands told me something fascinating.
Dutch children don’t just learn how to swim in their bathing suits. They also learn how to swim wearing their regular clothes and shoes.
Why?
Because if you accidentally fall into a canal, chances are you’re not going to be wearing your swimsuit!
The Netherlands has a long history of taking water safety seriously, particularly following the devastating North Sea flood of 1953. Dutch swimming instruction includes practicing in clothing so children can learn how to manage an unexpected fall into the water.
And I remember thinking, What a brilliant approach.
Teach them how to handle a dangerous situation BEFORE they’re ever in one.
And yet, when it comes to marriage, we do almost the exact opposite.
We wait.
Until we’re fighting constantly.
Until we’re barely speaking.
Until one of us is wondering whether we even want to stay married.
And THEN we decide it’s time to learn how to communicate, resolve conflict, or understand each other.
Why on earth do we wait until our marriages are falling apart to learn how to make them work?
You don’t have to have a bad marriage to want a better one.
And you certainly don’t have to wait until yours is in trouble to start learning how to make it better.
After nearly 15 years of working with married couples, I’ve noticed something.
Most couples don’t come to see me because they’re curious about how to make a good marriage even better.
They come because something hurts.
They’re exhausted from fighting.
They’re disconnected.
They’re struggling to recover from something painful.
Or one spouse has finally said, “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
And I understand.
Pain is a powerful motivator.
But I often wish couples would come to me when there’s just a little fire in one room of the house.
Not when the kitchen is burning, the bedrooms are engulfed in flames, and somebody’s standing on the roof wondering whether to jump.
Because here’s the thing.
It’s much easier to learn new relationship skills when you’re not already overwhelmed by years of hurt and resentment.
Imagine noticing that you and your spouse keep having the same argument.
You don’t know how to resolve it.
You both get frustrated.
And every time you try to talk about it, the conversation goes nowhere.
What if, instead of repeating that pattern for the next seven years, you decided to learn a better way to handle it?
Not because your marriage is terrible.
Not because you’re thinking about divorce.
But because you recognize that there’s something you don’t know how to do.
And you’d like to learn.
What a concept!
I hear this one quite often.
“But I grew up in a good family.”
“My parents had a great marriage.”
“We didn’t have all kinds of dysfunction in our house.”
Wonderful!
I’m genuinely glad.
But here’s my question.
Did anybody actually teach you how to resolve conflict with someone you love?
Did your parents sit you down and explain what to do when your spouse says something that hurts your feelings?
Did somebody teach you how to recognize when you’re becoming emotionally overwhelmed and need to take a timeout?
Did you learn how to bring up a disappointment without blaming, criticizing, or attacking the other person?
Or how to respond when your spouse tells you that you’ve hurt them?
Maybe you did.
But most people I work with didn’t.
And even people who grew up in loving families can have significant gaps in their relationship skills.
We assume that because we witnessed a marriage, we somehow learned everything necessary to have a successful one.
But observing something and knowing how to do it are two very different things.
I watched people drive cars for years before I learned how to drive.
That didn’t mean I could just climb into the driver’s seat and know what I was doing!
Marriage is no different.
There are skills involved.
And those skills can be learned.
This one might sting a little.
I regularly work with people who are extremely successful professionally.
They manage employees.
They negotiate contracts.
They lead teams.
They communicate with clients, customers, and colleagues all day long.
And they’ll tell me, “I’m a very good communicator.”
Okay.
But then they go home and have the same argument with their spouse for the 147th time.
And nothing changes.
So I have a question.
If you’re such a good communicator, why isn’t your spouse understanding what you’re trying to tell them?
Now, don’t misunderstand me.
I’m not saying you’re terrible at communication.
I’m saying that communicating with your spouse about emotionally charged subjects requires skills that may be very different from the ones you use at work.
It’s one thing to tell an employee that a project needs to be completed by Friday.
It’s another thing entirely to tell your husband that you feel lonely in your marriage.
Or to tell your wife that something she said made you feel inadequate.
Or to listen when your spouse tells you that something you’ve been doing for years has been hurting them.
Those conversations involve vulnerability.
History.
Emotions.
Expectations.
And sometimes decades of accumulated disappointments.
Knowing how to run a successful business meeting doesn’t automatically mean you know how to navigate those conversations.
And that’s okay.
But wouldn’t it be wonderful to learn?
If I could convince every married couple to learn just three practical skills, these would be near the top of my list.
Most couples know what it’s like to have a conversation that starts out reasonably well and then goes completely off the rails.
One person raises their voice.
The other becomes defensive.
Somebody says something they shouldn’t.
And before you know it, you’re having an argument about the argument.
This is where a proper timeout can save you an enormous amount of unnecessary pain.
And no, I’m not talking about storming out of the room, slamming the door, and refusing to speak to your spouse for the next three days.
That’s not a healthy timeout.
A proper timeout is an agreement between the two of you that when one person becomes too emotionally overwhelmed to have a productive conversation, they can pause.
You give yourselves time to calm down.
And then you come back and finish the conversation.
The goal isn’t to avoid the problem. It’s to prevent yourselves from creating five additional problems while trying to solve the first one.
I cannot tell you how many couples would benefit from learning this skill before they ever experience a serious conflict.
This is where I teach couples the Feedback Wheel.
It’s a structured way to explain your experience to your spouse.
What happened?
How did you feel?
What meaning did you attach to it?
And what would you like your spouse to understand or do differently?
For example, instead of saying:
“You NEVER listen to me! You don’t care about anything I say!”
You might say:
“Yesterday, when I was telling you about my day and you started looking at your phone, I felt dismissed. The story I told myself was that what I was saying wasn’t important to you. I’d really appreciate it if you could put your phone away when we’re having those conversations.”
See the difference?
One is an accusation.
The other gives your spouse information they can actually do something with.
And just as importantly, couples need to learn how to respond when their spouse brings them a hurt.
Because if your spouse finally gets up the courage to tell you something painful and your immediate response is to defend yourself, explain why they’re wrong, or tell them they’re being ridiculous?
Well, congratulations.
You’ve just made it less likely they’ll bring something to you next time.
These are learnable skills.
And I wish more couples would learn them before resentment has had years to accumulate.
I call this the weekly family conference.
And I cannot tell you how much unnecessary stress this one habit can eliminate.
You sit down together once a week and look at what’s coming.
Work schedules.
Children’s activities.
Appointments.
Responsibilities.
Meals.
Family commitments.
And, very importantly, when are the two of you going to spend time together?
Because here’s what happens when couples don’t plan.
They assume.
One spouse assumes the other is handling something.
The other spouse assumes it’s already been taken care of.
Nobody knows who’s doing what.
And then everybody’s frustrated.
A weekly family conference helps you get ahead of those problems.
It also creates an opportunity to make your marriage a priority on the calendar.
Not just the children.
Not just work.
Not just everything else that needs to get done.
Your marriage.
Now, if I could sneak in a fourth skill—and apparently I can, because I’m the one writing this article—it would be learning how to show appreciation and communicate love in ways your spouse actually experiences as loving.
Because that matters enormously, too.
Here’s something I encourage couples to think about.
Are you putting all your eggs into a basket your spouse doesn’t particularly care about?
You might be doing wonderful things for your spouse.
Things that would make YOU feel loved.
But are those the things that make THEM feel loved?
Maybe you spend hours cleaning the house because that’s how you show love.
But your spouse would feel far more connected if you spent 30 minutes sitting together and talking.
Or perhaps you’re constantly buying little gifts.
But what your spouse really wants is for you to initiate some time together.
This is why I often have couples explore their love languages.
Not because people fit neatly into five permanent categories.
And certainly not because identifying a love language magically solves your marriage.
But because it starts a valuable conversation.
What makes you feel loved by me?
What am I doing that’s working?
What am I doing that doesn’t really matter that much to you?
And what could I do differently?
The answers may have changed over the years.
What mattered to your spouse when you were newly married might not be nearly as important 20 years later.
So ask.
Get curious.
And while you’re at it, start bringing some positive content back into your marriage.
Express appreciation.
Say thank you.
Notice the things your spouse does well.
Tell them what you admire about them.
These are some of the easiest places to begin.
And you don’t need a marriage crisis to start doing them.
Now, this might sound funny coming from someone who coaches married couples for a living.
But here goes.
You don’t necessarily need to hire me—or anybody else—to start investing in your marriage.
You can start today.
Read a book together.
Watch a helpful YouTube video.
Attend a marriage seminar.
Sign up for a workshop.
Spend half a day intentionally talking about your relationship.
Learn one new skill and practice it.
Then learn another.
What matters is that you’re doing something on purpose.
You’re not simply hoping your marriage will somehow improve on its own.
You’re taking responsibility for learning how to do it better.
Think about all the other areas of life where we have absolutely no problem asking for help.
We hire someone to help us with our landscaping.
We go to a chiropractor or physical therapist when our bodies aren’t functioning the way we’d like.
We take classes to improve our professional skills.
We ask for advice about raising our children.
But somehow, when it comes to marriage, we think we should already know everything.
Why?
This is arguably one of the most important and longest-lasting relationships you’ll ever have.
Wouldn’t it make sense to invest some time and effort into learning how to do it well?
And yes, sometimes professional couples coaching is exactly what’s needed.
Especially when you’ve been trying to change something for years and keep ending up in the same place.
But the larger point is this:
Don’t wait until you’re desperate to start learning.
Here’s something you can do with your spouse this week.
And it might surprise you.
I often ask couples to rate their satisfaction in six different areas of intimacy.
Yes.
SIX types of intimacy.
If you just read that and thought, Wait a minute. There are SIX?
Then you DEFINITELY need to watch this video.
Because intimacy is about so much more than sex.
And it’s entirely possible for a couple to be doing wonderfully in one area while struggling in another.
Watch the video together.
Then come back and try this exercise.
Each of you takes a piece of paper.
Write down the six areas of intimacy explained in the video.
Then, independently, rate your satisfaction in each area from 1 to 10.
One means you’re extremely dissatisfied.
Ten means you’re exceptionally satisfied.
Don’t compare answers yet.
Don’t try to guess what your spouse is going to write.
And don’t give yourself a higher number because you think that’s what you’re supposed to feel.
Just answer honestly.
Then sit down together and compare.
Here’s where things get interesting.
You might discover that you’re at an eight in one area.
And your spouse is at a three.
You thought everything was going wonderfully.
Your spouse has been quietly feeling disconnected.
Neither one of you necessarily knew how differently you were experiencing the marriage.
And now you do.
That’s valuable information!
But please don’t turn this into an argument about whose number is correct.
If your spouse says they’re at a three, you don’t get to tell them they should be at a seven.
That’s not how this works.
Instead, get curious.
“Help me understand why you’re at a three.”
“What would need to change for you to feel like we’re at a five?”
“What could I do that would make a difference?”
And then listen.
You don’t need to fix all six areas in one evening.
Pick one.
Start there.
Work on it.
And revisit the exercise later to see whether things have improved.
Wouldn’t you rather discover that your spouse is unhappy in one area of your marriage now, while you still have the opportunity to address it, than find out five years from now that they’ve been struggling all along?
That’s what intentional marriage maintenance looks like.
I’m a big believer in having different kinds of conversations at different intervals.
Because your weekly schedule and the overall health of your marriage are not the same thing.
Here’s what I recommend.
Sit down together and talk through the upcoming week.
Who’s doing what?
What needs attention?
What are the children doing?
Are there any scheduling conflicts?
What do we need from each other?
And when are we going to spend time together?
This is practical, everyday marriage maintenance.
It prevents an enormous amount of unnecessary stress.
And no, this is not the same as the family conference.
I’m talking about spending time together as husband and wife.
Not as the household management team.
Not as the children’s transportation department.
As a couple.
Go on a date.
Have lunch together.
Take a walk.
Do something you both enjoy.
It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate.
But it does need to happen.
This is the big-picture conversation.
And I think every married couple should do this at least once a year.
Think about it.
Most of us review our finances annually because we have to deal with taxes.
We look at what happened.
What worked.
What didn’t.
What needs to change.
Why wouldn’t we give our marriage that same attention?
Set aside a day, an afternoon, or even a weekend.
Maybe you do it around your anniversary.
Maybe Valentine’s Day.
Maybe at the beginning of the year.
I don’t particularly care when.
Just make it something you’ll actually do.
Revisit the six areas of intimacy.
Talk about where you’ve grown.
Where you’re struggling.
What you’d like to improve.
What you want your marriage to look like over the next year.
And most importantly:
What are we going to do differently to get there?
Not just, “We should spend more time together.”
Great.
When?
How often?
Who’s arranging it?
Put something on the calendar.
Because good intentions are wonderful.
But good intentions without action don’t change much.
This happens more often than you might think.
One spouse tells me:
“We’re actually doing great. We don’t really have any problems.”
Meanwhile, the other spouse is practically rolling their eyes out of their head.
Or shaking their head.
Because from their perspective, things are NOT going great.
And here’s what I want you to understand.
Just because you’re happy with your marriage doesn’t automatically mean your spouse is.
You may genuinely be content.
You may feel connected.
You may think your marriage is wonderful.
And I hope it is!
But have you checked with the person you’re married to?
Because you might be surprised.
And if you’re both genuinely happy?
Fantastic!
Keep doing the things that are working.
And keep learning.
You don’t stop taking care of something just because it’s functioning well.
In fact, taking care of it is often one of the reasons it continues functioning well.
Let’s say you’d love to attend a marriage workshop or start learning some new communication skills.
But your spouse says:
“Why? There’s nothing wrong with our marriage.”
Or:
“You think we need counseling? Is it really that bad?”
Here’s where I’d encourage you to change the way you’re approaching the conversation.
Instead of saying:
“We need to go to marriage counseling because you never listen to me.”
Try something different.
“I’ve been thinking about our marriage, and I realize there are things I don’t know how to do very well. Sometimes I want to bring something up with you, and I don’t know how. I get frustrated, and then we end up having an argument. I don’t want to keep doing that.”
And then:
See the difference?
You’re not telling your spouse they’re defective.
You’re not announcing that your marriage is a disaster.
You’re acknowledging that you have things to learn.
And you’re inviting them to learn alongside you.
You might even ask:
“Did your parents ever teach you how to handle these kinds of conversations? Because mine didn’t.”
Sometimes that simple question can open an entirely different discussion.
Now, will every spouse immediately jump at the opportunity?
Of course not.
But approaching the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to improve your own contribution to the marriage is a much better starting point than presenting your spouse with a list of everything they’re doing wrong.
And if they’re still not interested, you can begin learning and changing your own behavior.
You can’t force your spouse to participate.
But you can take responsibility for your part.
Ideally, though, both spouses will eventually get involved.
Because marriage is a two-person relationship.
And it’s much easier to change a relationship pattern when both people are willing to work on it.
No.
Couples therapy and marriage coaching can also help couples strengthen communication, understand each other better, learn conflict-resolution skills, and build greater emotional connection.
You don’t need to be considering divorce—or even fighting regularly—to benefit from learning how to be better partners.
Absolutely.
Not fighting doesn’t necessarily mean you’re deeply connected.
Some couples rarely argue because they’ve learned how to resolve disagreements well.
Others rarely argue because they’ve stopped bringing up things that matter.
Those are two very different situations.
A useful starting point is to ask both spouses how satisfied they are with the relationship, rather than assuming everything is fine because there aren’t any major arguments.
Start by explaining what you’d like to learn or improve about your own contribution to the relationship.
Instead of presenting coaching as something that’s needed because your spouse is doing something wrong, invite them to work on making an already important relationship even better.
And if they’re reluctant, consider starting with something smaller, like watching a video together or attending a workshop.
If I had to choose three foundational skills, I’d start with learning how to take a healthy timeout, how to bring up and respond to hurts using a structured conversation tool like the Feedback Wheel, and how to plan your life together through a weekly family conference.
I’d also encourage couples to practice expressing appreciation and understanding how their spouse experiences love.
I recommend a weekly family conference to manage everyday responsibilities, intentional time alone together every week or every other week, and a bigger marriage review at least once a year.
During that annual review, discuss the overall health of your relationship, revisit your satisfaction in different areas of intimacy, and identify what you’d like to improve.
I want to leave you with one final thought.
If you knew that learning a particular skill today could save you years of unnecessary arguments, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and resentment, wouldn’t you want to learn it?
Why wait?
Why spend the next ten years repeating the same mistakes when you could start doing something differently now?
I wish more couples would approach marriage the way we approach swimming lessons.
Learn the skills while the water is calm.
Practice them.
Get comfortable using them.
So that when life gets difficult—and at some point, it will—you have something to rely on.
Because marriage will bring challenges.
Children.
Jobs.
Financial pressures.
Illness.
Loss.
Unexpected changes.
And a thousand ordinary disagreements about how two different human beings should share one life.
You cannot prepare for every circumstance.
But you can learn how to navigate those circumstances together.
You don’t have to have a bad marriage to want a better one.
And you don’t have to wait until the whole house is on fire before you decide to do something about it.
I’m Danka Bogott, a marriage therapist turned married couples coach in Edina, Minnesota.
For nearly 15 years, I’ve helped couples understand what’s happening in their relationships, learn practical skills, and change the patterns that keep getting them stuck.
Some couples come to me in crisis.
Others come because they know their marriage could be better, and they’re ready to do something about it.
You don’t have to wait until things get worse.
If you’re ready to explore what working together might look like, I’d love to hear from you.
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