If you are looking to find ways to ruin date night because you have been on a really good long-term streak, or you just hate spending time with your spouse so dang much, this is for you.
This is also for you if you are an over-achiever (See Bonus point when you scroll down.)
If you follow these instructions, I guarantee you that your date (or your spouse, if that’s who your date has been) will abstain from date nights.
Like, forever.
No need to find a sitter, research the best locale for a nice meal, or spend any money on your relationship that would be so much better spent elsewhere.
Better yet, bring your laptop with and say you need to get some work done.
Your phone though – keep your fingers on it the entire time.
If you wanted to take it to the next level, say the following phrase if you’d like: If someone from work calls, I am NOT gonna get it. Don’t worry.”
And when someone does call (from work or otherwise), of course pick it up and stay at your table without excusing yourself.
Make sure that everyone in the restaurant can hear you.
Talk about your job.
Talk about your stress.
Share everything that happened today at the office.
Give them all the details about that bad deal of a phone call you had that took half your morning.
Tell them how terribly you slept.
Talk about the awful traffic you encountered every. single. day. this. week.
Drop the F bomb when you talk about how pissed of the team made you during that meeting on Tuesday.
Tell them how much you hate the fact that you don’t ever have time together.
In fact, talk with such precision and speed that, EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO, there is no possible way that they can get a word in to respond to something that you said to begin with.
Come in with a list of things that you want to talk about.
Make sure the topics on your list are all negative.
Only talk about the things that interest you.
If there is something you know that particularly do not care about, bring that up.
In fact, spend all of the time that you are eating your main course on that subject.
Better yet, ask them something – but then either
a.) Answer for them OR
b.) Change the subject immediately to leave them no time to respond OR
c.) Say ‘never mind’ followed by promptly changing the subject to something that you know is their least favorite subject ever.
Don’t overthink it.
You can pick anything. The thing that happened last night. Or the stuff that you were reminded of the other day that happened 7.5 years ago.
Just do it. (Sure, the Nike way if you like.)
Make a scene.
Be loud.
Make sure that everyone can hear everything you are saying.
And stress the point about you not being able to believe that you are doing this now.
Plus – of course, storm out of there.
Make certain to tip over a chair on purpose and leave your spouse at the mercy of an Uber driver.
Don’t forget that part – that part’s important.
And when your spouse manages to get home, yell at them the following six words: I can’t believe you did that!
Stroll in twenty minutes late.
Be on the phone when you do. (This is for you, overachievers, who want to combine two steps in one – it works every time.)
Offer no apology.
Bring in your work folders and spread them all across the table.
Drag the kids in because – as it turns out – the sitter thought he/she was supposed to come an hour later.
Blame them (the sitter, or your spouse, or BOTH) even though you know it’s your fault – because you put down the time on the text message for the wrong time.
Accidentally as they might have happened, it is still not your fault.
You know what I mean, right?
Offer them a ride home.
Smile incessantly every time they come by.
Ask them about their day.
Talk to them about their hopes for the future.
See where they are spending the next holiday at and what they plan on doing.
Ask them what makes their day the best – and then do it.
See if there is something that you can help with.
Offer your expertise in their dealing with an unkind customer a couple tables over.
And top it all off with inviting them to your next holiday meal.
That is all.
You’re welcome.
If you know someone who would get a kick out of this and you want to share – don’t let me stop you!
For more articles like this:
How Date Night Didn’t Go Out of Style
Why What You’re Doing Isn’t Serving You (aka Myth Busting)
4 Fun Date Night Ideas for the Not-So-Creative Couple
*This article was inspired by this article here on Fatherly.com – to read it in its entirety, you can read it on their website directly.
